January Hymn
by Oneturtledove
Summary: Seven years ago, Kate Beckett said goodbye to a life that could have been. One day at the end of June, she is surprised with hello. My drop in the Castle Fanfic Monday bucket
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Right, yeah, okay.  
A/N: A little something I've been working on the past month or so. I'm hoping to update on Mondays at least, and maybe Thursdays, depending. Endless thanks to Jess for editing, listening to my ramblings, and everything else for the last 16 years.

* * *

 _January Hymn_

It starts out as such a normal day.

Kate is leaning against the kitchen counter with her second cup of coffee, waiting for the toast to pop up while the rest of the family flits about the kitchen, preparing their own breakfasts and discussing their plans for the day. Castle has just finished a few chapters for his next book and is hoping a body drops so he can get out of the loft for the first time in a week. The three women waste no time in telling him that he's wishing someone would get murdered, but he just shrugs. It's an absurdity that he chose to dismiss long ago.

"So how was your date last night?" Kate asks her step-daughter, grabbing the toast and putting it on the plate.

"Okay, here's something you need to know," Alexis starts with a shake of her head. "The word _ahoy_ should never, ever be used as a greeting unless you are actually a sailor."

"You're kidding," Martha chuckles.

"No! This guy said it to everyone we encountered the entire night. The hostess, the waitress, the barista, even to his friends we had to meet up with for some reason. Like, who plans that during a first date? It's a great idea to bring this girl you barely know to meet ten of your closest friends. I'm never dating again."

"You said that after the date with the Ferris Beuller guy too."

"I mean it this time."

"And you said _that_ after the date with the guy that said you were a Communist because you don't like hot dogs."

"Are you going to bring up every bad date I've ever been on, Kate?" Alexis giggles.

"No, we'd be here much too long."

"Thanks for never telling me about most of these dates," Castle says, pouring Kate's third cup of coffee into a commuter mug.

"You're welcome. I've gotta head to the library."

"Summer school," Castle sighs, shaking his head. "Are you really my kid?"

"I'd better be. If I put up with some random dude for this long…"

He snorts a laugh and hugs her goodbye, and she's out the door.

"Well kiddos, I'm off as well. Full load of classes today before rehearsal."

Martha kisses them both goodbye, the door closing behind her just as Kate's phone chirps, alerting her to a body across town.

"C'mon Castle, looks like you got your wish."

He nods and they quickly clean up the kitchen before heading out, coffee in hand. Before long, they're headed to the scene, both lost in their own thoughts, Castle humming quietly.

"Do you think Alexis is dating too much?"

"Hmm? No."

"Isn't it… I don't know. She's always been a relationship girl."

"Yeah, but sometimes you have to go on a few dates to find someone worth a relationship. She's having fun and she's being safe."

"I know. It's just different for her, that's all."

"It's good for her to get out there, Castle. She hasn't really…"

She trails off, biting her lip and staring out at the road. She never wants to bring up last summer and it rarely makes its way into conversation, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

"She hasn't what?"

"She hasn't spent time with any of her friends since before last summer. Does she mention anyone anymore?"

"Not really."

"She dropped out of social life for a while and now she's getting back into it. She needs that. It's good for her. Doesn't she seem happier?"

"Yeah. You're right. I'm just… a dad."

She chuckles and reaches over for his hand.

"The best one, remember that."

"Yeah, I'm pretty decent."

She rolls her eyes and park in front of an apartment building, noticing that Ryan and Esposito are already there. How they always manage to show up before her, she'll never know.

Ryan is waiting for them at the elevator, flipping his notebook open to give them the rundown.

"Neighbor heard a gunshot and called it in about an hour ago. We've already got a canvas going," he starts as they head down the hallway to the apartment door. "So far, no one we've talked to noticed anything unusual. The front door wasn't latched when the first on scene arrived and no gun was found on the initial sweep of the apartment."

"Who's the deceased?" Castle asks as they step into the apartment. The victim is still sitting on the couch, breakfast in front of him, TV playing softly.

"David DuPaul, forty years old."

Kate pauses, letting surprise and recognition shower over her for a moment before shaking her head and backing away. Never in a million years did she think…

"I can't be here," she says, words choked as they come out of her mouth. "I can't run this one."

She's out the door and in the elevator before Castle can catch up, and he ends up going rapidly down the stairs, wondering what in the world has her so spooked. He finds her outside, leaning against the car, face in her hands. She's breathing hard and he approaches slowly, just in case.

"Kate?"

"Sorry," she huffs, raising her eyes to him. "I was… he's…"

"What?"

She takes a breath, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth.

"That's David. He was… I dated him for a year. After-"

"After Sorenson left you for Boston," he finishes, pieces falling into place.

"Not right after. But yeah. That's… that's him."

He nods, bringing up the information in his brain. They'd discussed this long ago and he vaguely remembers the conversation, but can't nail down the specifics.

"It was kind of serious," she says, as if to jog his memory. "We dated a year but he was… after a while I realized that it wasn't going to work. He was moving away to help take care of his mom and the logistics… we broke up. I met you six months later."

"He was kind of controlling?"

She shakes her head.

"Manipulative might be a better word but I don't know that I would even use that. I didn't realize how bad he made me feel about myself. Maybe controlling. I didn't analyze it at the time. Just knew that it wasn't what it should be."

He nods, joining her against the car while she works on breathing normally again.

"I haven't seen him since, haven't talked to him either. I have no idea what was…" she trails off, eyes growing wide, breath coming in pants again.

"Oh. No. No. Where's…where's his daughter? Where's January?"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: To say I was overwhelmed with the number of follows and alerts would be an understatement. Thanks to everyone for your interest in this mad little world I'm playing with!

* * *

The trip to the precinct is a blur, a journey she's barely able to make safely. She seriously considers letting Castle drive but manages to get them there safely. Ryan and Esposito should be along shortly with more information and she sinks back in the seat, hands still at 10 and 2 though she is parked and the car is off. Castle sits quietly beside her but she's caught up in her own head, muddling through the memories as she rarely allows herself to do.

She'd known David for many years, having had mutual friends in high school, and occasionally running into each other during college. Still reeling from her breakup with Will, she'd been surprised to see David at the Bodega one afternoon, and something of a relationship had started quickly after that.

When she thinks about that year with David, she mostly remembers laughter. He was funny, sarcastic, often saying things that she didn't connect as a joke until much later. He was serious in his career as an EMT, but came home and cracked jokes, made her laugh. He may have been manipulative in some instances, passive-aggressive in a lot of ways, but there were wonderful things about him too. The fact that they ended up being mismatched really had more to do with the growth she needed to do as a person, growth that was stunted and deadened by his more unbecoming qualities. Had she been able to make a go of it, had he wanted to improve upon himself, there was a very real chance that the relationship would have turned into more. But that was not what life had planned and she'd never once regretted doing what was best for herself.

She did, however, wish that things could have played slightly differently in relation to his daughter. The little blonde-haired, brown-eyed girl had been an absolute joy, a welcome distraction, and quite possibly the only thing that had kept any sort of normalcy in Kate Beckett's life. Leaving David meant leaving January and there was nothing she could have done to change that. David made the rules, David cut off contact, David sent back the birthday cards she posted every year. Whether he was just that petty, or was trying to protect his daughter, she would never know and never want to speculate on, especially now.

The fact remained, that January had not been in the apartment, and her further whereabouts are entirely unknown. The window in her bedroom had been open, and it is possible that she had climbed down the fire escape, but there is nothing definitive about where the ten year old had gone.

Is she really ten years old now? She'll be closer to eleven. That's right, eleven this coming August. Kate wonders if she still sleeps with that special blanket, holding the satin edge between her fingers. Is purple still her favorite color? Does she still have a lisp and an obsession with butterflies?

She's thought of the little girl many times before, but her mental rabbit trails always end the same way- she's back in that darkened bedroom, kissing the little girl goodnight. The child in her mind giggles quietly, reaching an almost-not-chubby-anymore hand out, pulling on Kate's shirt and whispering _"I wuv you so-o-o-o much!"_ just as she did most nights, as if nothing was amiss. What she wouldn't give to go back to that moment, to explain things, to figure out a way to end things with David and still be able to keep a relationship with his little girl.

She cuts off the memory and turns to Castle, snapped back to the present when he takes her hand.

"Kate?"

She shakes her head.

"I need to find her."

"We do."

"I don't know where to start."

"Could she be with her mother?"

"No. Jeanette was in a car accident when January was about six months old. I… there's no family on that side, far as I know."

"Well, it's summer break. She could be with a friend, away at camp."

Kate breathes.

"You're… you're right Castle. Maybe she wasn't even there to begin with. Maybe she wasn't there. She wasn't there."

He squeezes her hand again and she steps back from the rabbit hole, determined to remain professional, at least until they find January. After that, she's not entirely sure what's going to happen.

* * *

No one is ready to call this a missing persons case, but it's only going to be a matter of time before the necessity of finding January is going to be known to the general public. As it stands, they don't know enough about what happened to risk tipping their hand. Questions are asked quietly of neighbors, numbers on the fridge are called and Kate sits at her desk, chewing on her thumbnail and staring at the phone. Uniforms are calling in with updates from the canvas, and she would be out there looking if she had any idea where to start.

"Hey," Castle starts, bringing her yet another cup of coffee. "Did they get a hold of David's girlfriend?"

"Yeah," Kate whispers with a nod. "The boys are bringing her in, see if she knows anything."

He's quiet as he sips his coffee and watches her out of the corner of his eye. Waiting and being able to do what she deems as nothing is killing her he knows. He wants to make this better and say something to perk her up or refocus her, but nothing comes to mind.

"You uh… when you told me about David, you never let on… you know, how close you were to his kid."

It would be a shake of the head if it weren't so small, nothing more than her chin moving.

"Easier to gloss over things."

"And now?"

Her eyes drift up to his and she sighs hard.

"I loved her," she says after a moment. "I mean, I still do, that never goes away."

"No it doesn't."

"David worked weird hours, being an EMT. So did I, like now. We were on opposite shifts a lot. When David was working January was in daycare, and after we'd been dating about a month, I figured it was stupid for him to pay for that if I could take her when I was off."

He nods, filling in the rest. She'd been more than just a girlfriend. She'd been there to help with parenting. She'd bonded with the child, cared for her, and he knows, even if she doesn't admit it, that she'd come to love that child deeply. It both warms and breaks his heart, as it does hers.

"How old was she then?"

"She was almost three when we started dating. We split up just after she turned four."

"Important year. Developmentally."

She nods, tears clouding her vision. She doesn't want to go back but she does, the memory Rolodex spinning and stuttering to a stop on a stormy night when she rocked in a chair with a bundle of warm child curled into her lap and tears wetting her skin. She'd shushed and soothed and reassured, finally successful in calming the girl, carrying her back to bed and tucking her in. And then the little voice had squeaked and begged her to stay, sniffles thrown in for good measure. And in that moment Kate had been a goner.

"I have to find her, Castle," she says as she stands up from her chair. "She's somewhere and she's… she's alone and I don't know if she even knows that. I don't want her to…"

She trails off, grabbing the keys to the cruiser and her phone.

"Where are you going to look?"

She pauses mid step, then drops her shoulders.

"I don't know, Castle."

He stands up, leaving both of their cups as he joins her on her journey out of the precinct.

"Maybe back at the beginning? Back to the scene. See if anything jumps out at us."

She swallows hard.

"Yeah. That might be best."

"Do you want to wait for the girlfriend? See if she knows anything?"

"Boys will call if she does."

He knows that tone. She needs to do something because sitting and waiting is not going to cut it.

* * *

They're headed back to the apartment when he finally speaks, reaching out for her hand to help soothe what he's about to ask.

"Were you ever able to explain things to her?"

"You mean why I left? No. When I decided that I needed to end things, I thought that David would let me still be a part of her life. I was sure that he was going to be mad but he wasn't a bad father and he knew how much I loved her. I really thought that we'd be able to work it out, that I would still be in her life. But he wasn't having that. It was all or nothing for him. I even thought that maybe I could stick it out longer, figure out a way… but he knew. He was done with me. Castle, you know what I was like back then. Walls up all over the place. I tried not to be like that with her, but the longer I was with David, the more I could see the worst parts of myself. I didn't want that for her. She didn't need a broken m- Kate. Even if I had stayed, it would have ended up not being healthy for her."

Castle catches the slip and personally acknowledges the fact that his wife has to some degree, been a mother before.

"I don't know if it was the right decision. Best for her. I… I was so hurt still. It was hard to see beyond that at times. I don't know if I put her first, or just told myself that's what I was doing."

On the one hand, he wants to be furious with the Kate Beckett of years past, angry at her for walking out on a child. It hits too close to home and brings back the pain of the door closing behind Meredith as Alexis weeps, too young to understand.

On the other hand, he can see how it was different, how she was stuck between a rock and a hard place, how she had no legal rights over the child, and there was nothing that could have kept her in January's life. Had David left the door open and had Kate walked away without a backward glance it would be different, but it sounded more like David slammed the door while Kate stood on the other side, stunned that it was closed.

"Did you ever try again? Once things had cooled off?"

"A few times. I called and sent e-mails, but he ignored it all. Went over there one night, waited for them to get home. I saw them coming down the sidewalk, January was chattering about something or another and I just… I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't confuse her like that or let her witness a fight. I tried to talk to him a few more times before they moved away, but he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me. My hands were tied."

"I know."

"Even now, I don't know what I could have done. She was never mine."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: _Apparently I should have made the timeline on this a little more clear. Story takes place in real time, summer of 2015. Kate and David broke up in late August of 2008, so about seven years ago._

* * *

Most of the apartment has been cleared by CSU and while it remains an active crime scene, everything they need for the case has been taken to the lab for testing. Kate tries not to look at the blood stain on the couch as she passes, wandering around and trying to get the lay of the land instead. It's obviously not the same apartment she'd frequented, but some of the furniture and décor is the same. She walks carefully down the hallway and pushes open a bedroom door, sucking in a breath as she takes in January's domain.

The walls are the standard white, but the girl has mostly covered them with animal or band posters. There are clothes on the floor, the bed hasn't been made in weeks, and papers litter the desk. Kate looks hard because she wants to find some trinket of years past, wants to think that the girl would have kept small gifts and memories, but she doesn't see anything.

"Pictures," Castle notes, pointing at the corkboard on the wall. "Friends phone numbers."

Kate nods and her eyes fill up with tears as they study current images of the little girl she'd had to leave so long ago. In some ways January looks exactly the same. She still crinkles her nose when she smiles and her eyes have that happy, playful light about them. But she's older now, has added purple streaks to her hair and has pierced ears. She's not a baby, she's barely a little girl.

"I called Morgan's mom," Kate says, remembering the name and number that had been taken off the fridge. "She was the only one who didn't answer."

"She'll call back," Castle encourages, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder.

Kate nods and moves a picture aside to check the one underneath. She's taken aback at the image of her younger self staring back at her, smiling at the camera with the little girl in her arms, giggling. She remembers the sound well and grins around the pain in her stomach at the memory. Castle is looking too, staring over her shoulder as she stands still. He is yet again, unsure what to say or to think.

"You were adorable," he says after a moment. "Both of you."

"She made me so happy."

"You look it."

"Castle, what if…"

She trails off, unable to speak the words.

"She might be hurt that you were gone," he acknowledges truthfully. "But she kept this, right? Kids forgive, even if they don't understand. Even after everything Meredith has done, Alexis still loves her, doesn't she?"

"She does. But Alexis is special, you know? She's… well, she might know the worst of someone but she doesn't hold it against them forever. I don't know if David raised January that way. Besides, the important part isn't how she feels about me. I need to find her and make sure she's safe."

He nods; it's clear that she's not ready to confront all of the what-if's just yet, and he is more than willing to give her some emotional space.

Kate's phone beeps and she swipes the screen to read the message from Ryan, informing her that they've brought David's girlfriend Tanya back to the precinct and are about to start the interview, if she wants to come and sit in. She quickly writes a message, letting him know she'll be back in an hour or so, then pockets the phone again.

"David's parents?"

"Father passed away a long time ago. His mom… I don't know. She remarried when he was in high school. She had a lot of medical problems, and that's why they moved to Wisconsin but I'm not sure… I never met her."

They continue their general inspection of the room, finding nothing else useful in finding the preteen, and make their way into the rest of the apartment, looking for anything that was missed on the first few walk-throughs. Kate opens a drawer in the kitchen, finding pens and pencils, scraps of paper, take-out menus and the like, pushes her hand through it looking for any other phone numbers that they haven't tried yet.

"You said you and David had some mutual friends," Castle starts, eyes skimming over the cold and pain relief medicines in the cupboard, checking to see if any are prescription. "Think he still talks to any of them?"

"A few," Kate answers, perking up. "I don't know how much, but maybe they would know if… yeah, I could call."

"Back to the precinct?"

She takes one last glance at the apartment and nods.

"Yeah. I don't really know what else to do here."

"We can always come back. CSU will be here a while still."

She wants to go back into the bedroom, pluck that picture out of the corkboard and take it with her, but she knows she can't, and wouldn't even if she could. It doesn't belong to her, and it's there for a reason.

* * *

It's nearing dinner time and Kate has made all the calls she can think to make. She'd held her own interview with Tanya, who was beside herself with grief over David, but seemingly indifferent to January's current location. Tanya claimed that January was rarely home because she was always with her friends, probably had spent the night with one of them. Kate was frustrated at the lack of cooperation and compassion, but when she pressed the issue, the woman admitted that she and David were not that serious and she barely knew the girl.

"I didn't live there," she'd explained. "January didn't like me. It was easier to just let her be. Honestly, I have no clue where she would be."

Kate had left her card with the woman but walked out of the room, lest she do or say anything that would have Captain Gates using _that_ tone. She can't afford to be pulled from the case now. Technically she's not working the homicide, just looking for January, but she knows that could be turned over to other departments.

"Let's go home," Castle suggests as rubs at her temples. "Just an hour. We'll have dinner and regroup and then we'll come back."

"Not hungry."

"You haven't eaten since toast this morning. You think better with food, Kate."

She nods wearily and lets him help her up from the chair, lets him inform the boys that they'll be back, lets him lead her downstairs, lets him hail a cab. There's a part of her that wants to go home and be with her family for a while, soak in the normalcy, then curl up in bed and sleep until morning. More of her wants to stay and pace along the bullpen and will her phone to ring, to convince Gates that they need to contact the media, get January's face on the evening news. She's not entirely sure that it's time for that, but the desperation sits in her gut and she wonders if they will get any answers until they take the next step.

They're home before she knows it, stepping into the loft and the blast of air conditioning. Martha and Alexis are just finishing up dinner and she can tell from the way that they look at her that Castle has already brought them up to speed, as much as he's allowed, that is. She barely acknowledges that information, instead taking the hug that Martha offers, sinking briefly into it because the affection seems to gather up the aching parts of her heart and soothe them for a moment. It's a kind of motherly magic that she forgot existed until the first time that Martha had offered it, and she knows that as long as she lives she'll never tire of it.

The conversation around the table is subdued and she feels guilty for bringing them all down like this, but she can't bolster their feelings while she's so lost in her head anyway. She's partially fighting back memories, because she can't be compromised emotionally right now, and partially worried about the grown up version of the girl, if she's safe, if she knows what's happened. It's a different kind of unknown, and Kate tries not to look across the table at Alexis and think about what happened over two years ago. It's too much and she has no mental capacity to entertain thoughts like that.

Curling up in bed and sleeping until morning is looking better and better by the moment.

Her phone rings in her pocket and she fumbles for it, rising from the table and taking it into the other room as she answers, so that her voice is lost to those remaining at the table.

"Is she alright?" Alexis asks, eyes following after her.

"I think she will be. It's a lot to take in right now."

"What can we do for her?"

"What you always do," Castle assures with a smile. "Just be there. We don't know what's going to happen so… you know, be a constant. That's all."

They lapse into silence for a moment before Kate comes out of the study, eyes lighter than they have been all day.

"Castle, we gotta go."

"What-"

"Found her," she explains. "She was with friends all day, we're meeting them at the precinct."

He darts up from his chair and they're out the door without another word.


	4. Chapter 4

Kate's nervous, Castle notes. Her hands tremble slightly as she guides the car through traffic and she keeps biting at her lip, not saying a word. He's seen her like this before, completely focused on what's to come and gearing herself up for any outcome. She's most likely giving herself an internal pep-talk. He wants to reach for her hand but she needs this time to be somewhat alone and deal with things in her own way.

The precinct is much quieter now than it is during the day and she heads straight for Gates' office, while he sinks down in his chair, looking around for Ryan or Espo because they're going to be able to tell him what's going on. He glances through the window and watches his wife pace while Gates speaks. Castle wants to go in and be privy to the conversation but he has to let Kate be the cop right now. The cop, and possibly something else.

Kate opens the door after a moment, entire body twitching before sinking down in her chair, eyes wide.

"Hey."

"She's here. She went to her friend Morgan's house early this morning, the family was taking her with them to the beach. Her mother missed the calls I made, didn't see them until they got back a while ago. She brought her down and they're in with Ryan and Espo right now."

"You okay?"

"She's safe," Kate answers simply. "I'm fine."

"And seeing her?"

"I don't know, Castle. She has that picture but I don't know how she'll react. If she'll want me around or if… I don't know."

"Hey. You did the best you could with what you had."

"I did," she shrugs. "But it wasn't enough. She deserved better than that. And I don't know what David told her either. She could hate me. Seeing me could just make this worse. I don't want to do that to her."

"She had the picture."

"I know. But it's not that straightforward."

There's nothing he can say to make this better, because as gloomy and unknown as it is, she's right. It could go a number of different ways, but the fact remains that this child has lost her father, and no outcome is rainbows and flowers.

Esposito approaches slowly, face grim as he looks at Kate.

"What?"

"She was there," he answers, forming his next words based on her reaction. "She woke up and was getting ready to go to her friends house when she heard the gunshot. She says she doesn't know who was there, she just went out the window."

"She didn't go for help?"

"Too scared, I think. Kate, there was uh…"

"What, Espo?"

"CSU report came back. There was GSR on her doorknob."

"You think she did this, Espo?" she hisses, a protectiveness rising up inside her, even though it is really without provocation.

"No Kate. I think that the shooter intended to make sure they didn't leave a witness."

Kate deflates in her seat, thankful a million times over that the girl was frightened enough to go out the window and leave the killer none the wiser. However, this does bring up another point.

"She's not safe then. If she heard things, if the killer had any idea that she might have been there-"

"We don't know that, Kate," Castle says, reaching over to cover her hand with his.

"We don't not know it. Has anyone called CPS?"

"They're on the way."

She nods, exchanges a glance with Castle. No discussion is needed. They're on the same page, as always.

"I should… do you think I should go and see her?"

Esposito shrugs. He and Ryan, though having been close to Kate at the time, never knew David and January specifically and had been non-plussed when Castle made them aware of the connection. They've treaded lightly, but they are investigating a murder and that trumps the emotions of their friend.

"I can talk to her," he offers after a moment. "If that's what you want."

"No, I'll… where are they?"

"Lounge."

Kate stands on shaky legs, taking a deep breath before heading in that direction. She's nauseated with nerves, wringing her hands and praying that she can be what January needs, even for a moment. Praying that her presence can help, that she can be some kind of comfort. She'll never be able to live with herself if she makes it worse.

Her hand is on the door and she peeks in the window. Ryan is sitting with his back to the door, elbows on his knees as he talks softly with who she assumes is Morgan's mother. January is curled up in the corner of the couch, hair covering her face. She looks so lonely, so broken and Kate has to remind herself not to go rushing in there, not to scoop her up and try to make it better. That won't help.

Gently, she pushes the door open.

"January," Ryan says softly, his voice even calming Kate. "There's someone here to see you."

The girl looks up at him, eyes red and puffy before she rubs her hand across them, lets her gaze drift over. Something changes in her face, something Kate can't quite place, and a moment of silence drops over the room.

"Kate?"

Before Kate can respond, the girl is up off the couch and flying towards her, arms outstretched, the same way she used to do as a child. But this time there is no giggle accompanying the patter of her feet, no jump into Kate's arms, just a crash into her middle. Kate's shocked for a moment before she leans down, wrapping her arms around the girl, stroking her hair back and shushing softly, missing her more now that she's here than she ever has before.

"I knew you'd come," January mutters softly. "I knew it."

Kate doesn't know what to say, whether she should apologize for years past, or leave that there for later and deal with the issue at hand.

"Dad's gone," January continues as a cry hitches in her throat.

"I know," Kate answers. She pulls January over to the couch and tips her chin up to look at her. She's so much older now, and whether that all happened this morning or not, Kate isn't sure, but she barely sees the little girl anymore. It kills her.

"I heard the gun go off," January hiccups, wiping her eyes. "I didn't… I got scared, I didn't want to see what happened, I just ran and pretended… but you're here now. You're here."

"I am," Kate assures, gathering the girl up again and holding her close. She presses a kiss to her forehead. "I'm right here."

* * *

January clings to her for the next hour, through the rest of the questions Ryan and Esposito have for her, through a short meeting with the social worker, Ms. Whitman, through Morgan's mother reluctantly leaving. The girl does not want to let Kate out of her sight, and she's relieved when it's determined that staying with Kate will be the best thing for her right now. She's exhausted and scared and achingly sad, but being with Kate comforts her. It feels like they were never apart.

January has waited for this for years. Kate not being around was normal the first few days. Occasionally they went a while without seeing each other due to the job. She understood that then, it was a normal thing. But when a week passed, she began to ask questions, began to cry for Kate. Her father explained that he and Kate had broken up and that was the end of the story. That was all she'd been given, the only thing she'd been told to accept. She didn't question it, but she always dreamed that Kate would come back one day and join them those few years in Wisconsin, or be there with open arms when they returned to the city.

And now Kate's suddenly here. Despite the confusion of her earlier years and the frustration that came later at her absence, January has little desire to be away from Kate. She has always known that Kate loved her, at least then, and the part of her that still believes in fairy tales tells her that this will all be okay, that they'll never be apart again.

"Sweetie," Kate starts, rubbing her back gently. "We're going to take you home now, if that's okay."

January nods. Home is nowhere anymore, but she'll accept Kate's home for now. She can't think about the odds of staying there. That happens in movies, not in real life. Kate may not even want her. No, it's best to live in the moment, not worry about the rest.

"I don't… I don't have clothes," she sniffles, looking down at the outfit she'd picked out this morning. It's dirty from the beach and she could do with a shower, but she has nothing else to change into.

"It's not too late. We can stop somewhere and find something."

"You don't have to do that."

"You need something to sleep in tonight. Probably something to wear tomorrow, at least until we can pick up more of your things."

"I can't go home tonight, can I? Just to get stuff."

"No, it's not… uh, they're still…"

"It's okay. I get it."

Kate bites her tongue. The girl should not get it. She should not have to know that any of this happened. None of it should happen. It's not fair.

"C'mon sweetie," Kate prompts, urging her up. "Have you eaten dinner?"

"I'm not hungry."

"I know, but you need to eat something. Rick makes great pancakes."

"Pancakes? At night?"

Kate shrugs and offers a small smile.

"Trust me."

January nods, slipping her hand into Kate's as they leave the lounge and head for the bullpen where Castle has been waiting.

"Ready?" he asks with raised eyebrows.

"We need to stop off and grab some clothes," Kate begins. She tips her head to the side in question when Castle shakes his.

"Already done," he explains, pointing to his phone. "Mother and Alexis."

January has no idea what that means but Kate smiles so she does too.

"And I thought you might need some food, so I'll whip up some pancakes when we get there," he continues with a smile. "Do you like chocolate chips in yours?"

She nods.

"Good, and I think we have whipped cream too."

"Castle, that's too much sugar this time of night."

"Okay, we'll save the whipped cream for breakfast," he concedes, leading them to the elevator. "But at least I tried."

January smiles up at him. She's sad, she's confused, and her heart aches, but somehow this man she just met is assuring her that she'll at least get through tonight, be taken care of, and possibly even sleep decently.

They take a cab and January leans against the door, watching the city pass her by and trying to keep the tears at bay. Her dad is gone. She'll never see him again. It's hard to come to grips with that, because she can still hear his voice so clearly in her head, still knows that twenty-four hours ago, he'd grumbled at her as she'd insisted on watching _America's Got Talent_ instead of whatever it was he wanted to watch. She'd fallen asleep on the couch and he'd nudged her awake, teasing her for drooling before sending her off to bed with a _"goodnight kid"_ and a smile. It had been a good night. Just the two of them, no Tanya.

"Did you… did anyone tell Tanya?"

"We talked to her earlier."

January nods.

"Was she still mad about him breaking up with her?"

"They broke up?"

"Yeah. A week ago? She doesn't like me."

"She didn't tell us that," Kate answers, as Castle quietly texts that information to Esposito. "Do you know why they broke up?"

"Not sure. A lot of things probably. They fought a lot. Dad was miserable with her. He wasn't fun to be around. Then they broke up. Things were getting better. He was… I don't know, he was like himself again."

Kate nods and pulls the girl to her side.

"I'm sorry sweetie."

January curls into her, wishing she was still small, could still climb into Kate's lap and rest against her chest with her thumb in her mouth as long fingers stroked through her hair. She wants to be tucked into bed with a hug and a kiss and be told that she's loved. But she's too old for all of that now. She would be too old for it whether or not Kate had stayed, whether or not the woman had become her mother. She's almost an adult and things like that are for children.

"We're here," Castle says after a while, when the cab stops.

They slide out of the car and January looks up at the building, eyes wide. They're rich. It's evident by the building, the area of town, the doorman, the way the elevator rises to the top floor. She's stunned. Her father could pay the bills and have some left over, but they were never rich like this. She's never known anyone with this much money. It's enough to distract her from the events of the day, enough to make the introductions to Kate's family less awkward.

Before long she finds herself upstairs in a guest room. Kate is handing her a towel and brand new pajamas and she finally looks up, gulping hard as she searches the older woman's face.

"Kate?"

"Yes?"

"Do you… is it okay that I'm here?"

"What? Hey, do you think I wouldn't want you here?"

"I don't know. I just don't want to… impose, you know?"

"Oh honey," Kate sighs, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I don't like the reasons you're here, but I don't want you to be anywhere else."

"You don't?"

"Of course not. I never wanted… the way things happened, I didn't want that."

It's not the entire story, but it's enough, and January nods, swiping the back of her hand across her eyes.

"I'm going to take a shower," she says, fighting the urge to crawl into Kate's lap. "Where will you be?"

"You meet me downstairs when you're done, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

Kate stands and walks over to her, dropping a kiss to her forehead before slipping from the room and down the stairs.

"She alright?" Castle asks, busy at the stove.

"As well as she can be, for now," Kate answers as she sits down at the bar next to Alexis.

"Are you okay?" the redhead asks. Her eyes are wide with sympathy and some kind of held-back curiosity.

"I'm fine," Kate answers, reaching over and tucking a strand of hair behind the girls ear.

"If you need anything, you'll let me know?"

"I will."

"Okay. I'm going to go to bed."

She slides off of the stool and bids them goodnight, then doubles back and pulls Kate into a hug.

"I love you," she says softly, three words that have been uttered between the two of them only a handful of times.

"I love you too, Alexis. Sleep well."

She heads upstairs and Kate sighs, turning back to look at her husband, who is flipping a giant pancake proudly. She smiles and catches his eye, wanting to convey everything in the look, knowing that even if she can't, she can always verbalize it later.

"Castle, you realize that this is not going to be a pancake eating contest, correct?"

He nods and points to the plate of regular size pancakes.

"I just needed to use up the last of the batter."

She waits until his hands are free, then slides off of the stool and walks around the bar to him, finding serenity in his arms and a sense of home when he kisses the top of her head and squeezes tighter.

"Thank you, Castle. For everything today. And for the hundreds of things you're going to do tomorrow."

"You're welcome, Kate. Wherever you need me, that's where I'll be."

She smiles against his chest and nods. Everything has seemed to change today, but there is one thing that is her touchstone, always.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I just wanted to thank everyone who has taken time to review and follow this story! It makes my day. I also really appreciate questions and ideas from readers. Everyone has been so supportive, even if they don't like the story or a scene or are unsure about where it's going, everyone I've talked to has been respectful and helpful. It's been a very long time since I've been able to connect with so many people this way and I am forever grateful for that.

* * *

"What's going to happen to me?" January whispers as Kate tucks her into bed a few hours later. "Where am I going to go?"

"I don't know that yet," Kate replies, hating so much that she can't give any more than that. It's not enough, not nearly, and she almost wishes she could take the truth back and make something up instead. This girl has lost too much already.

"My dad is dead."

"I know. I'm so sorry, sweetie."

"Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"I get to stay with you until… until they figure out what to… do with me?"

Kate nods and leans down to push the blonde hair off of the girls' forehead.

"You'll be right here with us."

It hangs in the air between them, the big question they're both asking but too unsure to say out loud. Their eyes meet, then dart away and the girl turns on her side, pulling the comforter up to her chin. Kate reaches over and rubs her back, a motion of comfort that hasn't been forgotten, even after all these years.

"Can you stay until I fall asleep?"

"Of course."

"Like when I was little?"

"Sure sweetie," Kate says softly, watching as the girl scoots over to make room for her on the bed.

"Did you ever think about me?" January asks on a yawn, as Kate lays down in the bed.

"I… a lot," the detective admits, carefully pulling the girl into her arms, just like they used to do. It's comfortable and normal and it feels like it has always been this way. "But I missed you. Sometimes it was hard to…"

January nods and scoots closer, burying her face in Kate's chest. She's wished for this so many times, to be with Kate again, to even see her for a moment, and now that it's here, all the questions she wanted to ask seem so unimportant.

"But you loved me?"

"Never stopped, kiddo."

January nods and yawns again, hand curling into Kate's shirt.

"Love you too."

"Go to sleep, sweetheart."

"You'll be here in the morning?"

"Of course."

It might be a half hour before the girls breathing finally slows and her body goes limp. Kate stays still for a while longer, studying her face in the dark and begging for some kind of wisdom or a sign of what she is supposed to do to help this girl. There are cop instincts that tell her to simply protect and human instincts that tell her to be as compassionate as possible, and something she is reluctant to call mother instincts, telling her to do all of the above. For some reason that doesn't seem like quite enough. Her stomach churns with the responsibility of it and she carefully slides out of the bed, tucking the blankets back in before heading downstairs.

Castle is in the office and she creeps in, sitting down on the couch and sighing heavily.

"She's asleep?"

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

"This is not how I expected today to go," she answers, pulling her knees up to her chest. "Never in a million years did I think…"

"You'd get her back?"

"Not like this at least. I always thought… I don't know that maybe when she was older I would… I don't know Castle, it's so overwhelming. Her father is gone, she has no other family that I know of, and no matter how much I love her or how much she wants me here, we haven't seen each other in almost seven years. I don't know what she needs and I don't know how to help her."

He moves from the desk and around to the couch, sliding his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.

"You love her, Kate. You do whatever you have to, but you love her."

"Doesn't feel like enough."

"It will be."

"How do you feel about all this, Castle?"

"About which part?"

Kate bites her lip.

"The part where I didn't tell you exactly what-"

He holds up his hand to stop her.

"You told me what was important. Maybe you weren't specific, but I knew enough. Have I told you everything about my relationship with Meredith? With Gina?"

"Well no, but that's different."

"Then tell me now."

"What?"

"Tell me about her now. About all of it."

She rubs her finger along a spot on the knee of her jeans that might split soon.

"She was my kid, Castle. I know it's not the same, but I loved her as much as I could. I would have done anything for her. And I never thought that David and I would really get married and ride off into the sunset or anything, but I figured that I would always be a part of her life."

She's tearing up and he holds her a little closer, dropping a kiss to her head.

"I rocked her back to sleep when she had nightmares. I taught her to tie her shoes. I danced with her in the kitchen and I held her when she got her shots. I kissed her knees when she fell down. I took care of her when she was sick. I was never her mother, but she was my kid. And when it all ended, I didn't talk about it because it hurt too much. Knowing I'd failed her, that she was going to feel abandoned. I didn't want people to look at me and see a woman who'd left her child, so I convinced myself that it wasn't like that, that she was nothing more than David's daughter and I loved her but that was all."

Kate looks up at her husband, open and vulnerable and he knows the next words that are going to come out of her mouth, has known them for the last twelve hours.

"Am I a coward?"

"You were doing everything you could to protect yourself then. Just like you were when we met. And you've come so far since, but that doesn't mean that you were prepared at the time."

"I missed so much, Castle. Her first day of school, learning to ride a bike, sleepovers. I missed… I don't even know what I've missed because I don't know what she's done. I'm an awful person-"

"No. Kate, was it healthy for you to be with him?"

"No, it wasn't."

"Could you have moved to Wisconsin with them, still kept your career, still been healthy?"

"I could have tried but… no, I don't think it would have worked."

"And he didn't give you a choice, did he?"

"No, but maybe I should have tried harder."

"You did try, Kate. Those phone calls he ignored, the birthday cards that got sent back. You always tried."

"It wasn't enough."

"It never is when it comes to your child."

She curls into his side and lets the tears fall while he holds her, murmuring in her ear that it's all going to be okay.

"She lost her dad, Castle. I don't know how to make that better."

"You don't, Kate. You know that nothing can make it better. But you also know what makes it worse, and you can guide her away from those things."

"I just want her to be okay."

"She will be. She has you in her corner. She's going to be okay."

* * *

"Hey," Kate starts softly, shaking the girls shoulders. "Morning in the swamp."

A half groan, half laugh is the response and January turns over, rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

"I still don't know what that means."

"Me neither," Kate admits, sitting down on the side of the bed. "My mom used to say it."

January sits up and yawns as she takes in her surroundings.

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Not really. Kept waking up."

"We'll see if we can pick up some of your stuff today. Might help a little."

"Am I staying here tonight too?"

"As far as I know."

January can't ask about the next day or the one after, so she just nods, running a hand through her hair. She feels old.

"Your clothes from yesterday are clean and breakfast is ready whenever you want it."

She nods, one hand coming up and then dropping back to the bed. Kate reads the gesture and scoots over, pulling the girl into her arms.

"Today is going to be hard, sweetie. It's going to be the first in a very long line of hard days. And you're allowed to cry or scream or be quiet, and you're allowed to still smile and find things funny. Whatever you feel is alright, it's real, and it's important that you embrace that, okay?"

"Okay."

"You ready to get up?"

"Can you lay with me for a little bit?"

Kate nods and they snuggle up in the bed, January twirling her hair around her finger.

"Do you remember that time we went to Coney Island? And we were walking on the beach and dad had me on his shoulders and he tripped in a hole and we fell?"

Kate snorts, holding back a laugh. Her heart had pounded at the time, but when both were uninjured, she'd been unable to clear the slapstick image from her mind.

"I remember. Your face was sticky from cotton candy and you had a sand beard the rest of the day."

"And I didn't want dad to carry me anymore, so you did."

"Yeah, you were quite pathetic, telling us that your feet were about to fall off."

January smiles and wipes at the tears that have accumulated in her eyes.

"They were! We must have walked for seventeen miles."

"Between that and your balloon getting away, you had a rough day."

"I remember I took a bath when we got home and the water turned gray. And you and dad tucked me in and when I woke up in the morning, you guys had found me another balloon but it was giant. Remember that?"

"I do."

"When I was up on dads shoulders, and he started to fall, I remember my stomach feeling funny, like I left it behind. That's how I feel now."

"I know."

"Will you make sure that someone takes care of me?"

"I promise you sweetie, I'll do everything I can to make sure that you're alright."

"I mean, you don't have to," January backtracks, eyes going wide. "I'm not your responsibility-"

"Hey. I love you. That means I do whatever you need me to do."

"But you don't _have_ to."

"But I want to."

January's forehead creases hard and she nods after a moment.

"Okay."

"You should probably try to eat something. I know you don't feel hungry, but it'll help if you have a full stomach."

"I'm still full from pancakes."

"At least try?"

"Yeah. Okay."

They stand up from the bed and make their way downstairs where Castle is putting the finishing touches on breakfast. He's dressed the plates up with orange wedges and a sprig of mint each, as if he's competing for some kind of breakfast title.

"Does he do this every morning?" January asks once Castle's back is turned.

"Not every morning, but it's not unheard of."

The girl smiles and nods, storing the information for later. She hasn't had much time to deal with the fact that Kate has a totally new and different family, and she doesn't want to dwell on feeling like an outsider. She can tell they don't see her that way, but it's awkward to just be inserted into their home.

"Do you have to work today?" she asks after a while.

"No, I have a few days off. I'm going to make a call and see if we can go up and get some of your things."

"I don't want to go in there," January whispers, looking down at her lap.

"That's okay. You make a list and I'll go up and get it. Is that alright?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

She hesitates for a moment, then leans closer, dropping her voice.

"Kate? How much… how much does a funeral cost?"

Kate blanches at the question and she can't keep from gaping at the girl, wondering if she heard her right.

"I don't have very much money. I mean, dad keeps… he kept some cash but I don't think it's enough."

Her chin trembles and Kate wraps her in a hug.

"You don't worry about that, okay?"

"But-"

"No. You leave that to me."

"Why?"

"Because you still need to be a kid."

"But-"

"I'm the grown up here. Let me take care of it. And you."

January nods, huddling closer. Depend on Kate again? She can do that. She can. She will.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: There's a flashback in this one. I know some people don't love those so I'll just throw that out there in case.

* * *

It's late afternoon when they're given permission to enter the apartment to retrieve items, and they decide that grabbing dinner somewhere afterwards might serve as a good distraction for January. She has spent most of the day curled up on the bed in the guest room. For a while she'd had a book out but seemed to not have read more than a few pages, instead staring out the window. Kate had checked on her frequently, offered hugs and a listening ear, but January seemed to need the alone time.

"Okay, I'll be back in a bit," Kate promises, taking the list that January hands her.

"If you can't find it all, that's okay," January whispers. "My room is kind of a mess."

"I'll go with you," Alexis offers. "Two sets of eyes are better than one. Is that okay with you?"

January nods, grateful that Alexis thought to ask, and the two women slip out of the car and head up to the apartment.

"You want to grab her some clothes and I'll see if I can find everything else?" Kate suggests, putting the duffel bag on the bed.

"Sure. Uh… how much do you think…" the redhead questions, surveying the closet.

"Whatever we can fit in the bag."

Alexis nods and sets to work, folding items and placing them neatly in the bag while Kate looks around the room for other things that January requested. She finds the stack of books and the sketch pad, the journal and box of colored pencils, and when she moves the pillows on the bed, she finally finds the old tattered blanket that the girl has carried with her most of her life.

"Kate? She's going to need a dress or something, right?"

Kate nods, biting the inside of her cheek. Funeral clothes. A ten-year-old is going to need funeral clothes.

"We'll get her something new."

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

Alexis scrutinizes her for a moment and then steps into Kate's line of vision with her brow furrowed.

"I know you're not. Watching someone you love go through something that you went through. Reliving it through her eyes. You don't have to be so brave all the time, you know."

"I hate when you use my own words against me."

"They're good words," Alexis shrugs. "I'm just saying, you have a family for a reason."

"You put your foot down very gracefully, don't you?"

They share a small smile and Kate reaches out to pull her into a hug.

"Thanks, bud."

"You're welcome. We should get downstairs. Dad was already _starving_ before we left."

They finish up the packing and head back to the car. Castle is turned sideways in his seat so he can talk to January, who's smiling slightly at whatever he's just told her.

"What?" Kate asks, when the two of them look at her guiltily.

"I told her about the tiger."

"What tiger?" Alexis queries skeptically, handing the duffle to January and buckling her seatbelt.

"Nothing, it wasn't even a big deal, your dad is crazy."

"Dad?"

"There was a tiger, it was a big deal, your step-mother is crazy."

"I'm mightily offended, Castle."

"You called me crazy first."

"You told the kid about the tiger!"

"Okay seriously what tiger?"

"They were almost kibble once," January says, biting back a smile.

"Dad! You never told me that."

"Yeah well… I didn't want to worry you."

She gives him an incredulous look in the rearview mirror.

"A story with a tiger in it? Come on, you were itching to tell that."

"You weren't exactly the biggest fan of me being at the precinct. I didn't want to give you more ammo in your argument about me growing up."

"Fair enough. But next time you have a run-in with an exotic animal, let a girl know, huh?"

"You just want more fodder for the tell-all."

"Basically."

"Are you guys always like this?" January asks.

"Yeah most of the time."

* * *

"Okay Ryan. Thanks. Yeah, I'll um… I don't know. I'll tell her. Do you think… yeah. Okay, let me know as soon as you track her down… no, I doubt Gates will let me."

Kate is quiet for a moment, pacing across the kitchen.

"We will. I'll talk to you later."

She slumps down on the couch and Castle looks over at her as he pulls her feet into his lap.

"What's up?"

Kate sighs heavily as his thumbs press into her arches.

"They have enough evidence to arrest Tanya for the murder," she begins, examining her nails critically. "They caught her car leaving the apartment on traffic cams, neighbor across the street positively identified her as leaving the building right around time of death. Her alibi fell through; when they looked back at her time card, she was half an hour late to work. Lanie says the trajectory of the bullet fits her height, and her fingerprints were on the bullet, and in the GSR on January's door. So they went to pick her up but they can't find her."

"Have they put out an APB?"

"Yeah. Her credit card hasn't been used and the last time she took money out of her account was a week ago. More than likely she's hiding out in the city somewhere."

"Do they have any leads?"

"A few. Ryan's calling me back when they know more."

"Are you going to tell January?"

"Not until they have something concrete."

They lapse into silence and she sighs, moving to snuggle into his arms.

"Ms. Whitman called earlier too. I need to call her back but I don't want her to tell me that they're putting January in a foster home."

"Kate."

"I know. I have to call. But I think she needs to be here and I have no right to advocate for that."

"We'll do all we can to keep her here with us."

Kate nods against him and pulls her phone out again, preparing to make the call.

"Let me," he says while holding his hand out. "Take a mental break."

"Thank you."

Castle smiles and takes the phone, moving into the study to make the call in privacy. Kate sinks back against the couch and stares down at her watch to keep vigil as the seconds tick past. For the last twenty-four hours, she's had a vivid picture of their family becoming fuller. She's thought of decorating the guest room, of picking up where she left off with January. She hasn't wanted to entertain the idea too much as she's certain things will not work out that way, but she's allowed it to creep further and further in. Every time Kate looks into those sad brown eyes or takes January in her arms, she imagines what things will be like down the road; a month from now, or by Christmas, or in a year. Kate knows she's setting herself up to be heartbroken but she can't help it.

Her fingers twist together when Castle comes out of the study, holding out her phone.

"What did Ms. Whitman say?"

"She said that they're still looking for next of kin. They've been busy, and haven't been able to track down January's maternal family. She also said that because we are in the system from when we took Cosmo-"

"Benny."

"Benny, January will stay with us until they find blood relatives. If they don't find any, we'll go from there."

"So she's with us for a little while then?"

"Yes, she is."

"Okay, good."

"Kate, have you thought about what you want to do if they don't find anyone?"

She doesn't say a word; it's obvious to them both not only what she wants but that their minds run in the same direction.

"Do you think… Castle, if that were to happen, if she needed me to take care of her and to be that for her, could I do that? Be everything she needs?"

"I know you can," he answers quickly. "And you won't be alone. Don't forget that."

* * *

 _Kate creeps around the darkened apartment, her eyes scanning her surroundings. She's adjusted to the darkness in the last fifteen minutes since the power went out, and when she hears a mumble down the hall, she drops to her stomach, holding her breath and listening hard. It's in the bedroom. It has to be. So help her if they've figured out how to move when her back is turned. She shimmies across the carpet, stopping every few feet to listen for movement._

 _They're quiet, and Kate quickly hits the button on her watch so the face will light up. She has thirty seconds left. Carefully, she turns her body to enter the bedroom, pushing herself up into a crawling position so the brush of her body against the floor won't give her away._

 _She anticipates a light flashing in her eyes when she enters the room, but nothing comes and she scoots around to check the perimeter. Kate is much too old for games like this, but tactical training makes it more fun, and she feels a little rush of adrenaline as her fingers brush against something plastic and her position is revealed. She hears footsteps from the other room and she jumps up, having to make a split second decision between hiding herself or capturing the prize. She slips around the half open door and into the closet just in time, holding her breath again while he tiptoes around the room, seeking her out. It's childish, but she squeezes her eyes shut as he passes by her, close enough to touch. He pauses as if he can sense her, and she hears a tiny giggle coming from somewhere above her head. She bites the inside of her cheek- victory is within reach. If only he would move on._

 _She waits him out. It must be ten seconds that he stands there, possibly running her clock out. She groans inwardly, knowing she has barely any time left before she has to fold and let him be the champion of what has been a rousing round of Alien._

 _Kate Beckett has never been one to back down from a challenge. She doesn't give up, she doesn't do anything but her best, and she always gives her opponent a run for their money. It's all or nothing._

 _With the skills acquired in her years on the force, and the ninja-quickness she has honed, she makes one fluid motion of spinning around and shining her flashlight up onto the top shelf of the closet, where January is curled up in a ball, hands pressed against her mouth to keep from making noise. David moans in defeat, crumpling against the carpet dramatically while the little girl explodes in laughter, reaching her arms out for Kate._

" _You finded me!" she squeals as Kate laughs and finagles her off of the shelf. "I thought daddy'd hided me good enough."_

" _He almost had me," Kate answers, sinking down to the floor and turning her flashlight on its end so it lights up more of the room. "Seriously, what kind of person hides their kid in the top of a closet?"_

" _The until now undefeated champion of Alien. I underestimated you, Kate Beckett."_

" _Most men do. It's a fatal flaw."_

" _I shall from now on, give you every benefit of the doubt."_

" _You most certainly will."_

" _Let's play again!" January suggests, popping out of Kate's lap and knocking over the flashlight. "Oops! Kate, you could hide me this time! I got a really good secret place!"_

" _No way kiddo," David answers, shining his own flashlight on her. "It's way past your bedtime."_

" _How'd you know?" she asks, holding her hands up. "All the clocks wented out!"_

" _It's special daddy magic," Kate replies, pulling the girl into her lap again. "Besides, it was almost bedtime when the power went out anyway."_

" _That was scary," she decides. "I don't want to sleep by myself. What if it happens again?"_

" _It can't get any darker, squirt," David chuckles. "And it won't matter once you're asleep, will it?"_

 _She wrinkles her nose, conceding the point, while Kate stands up and settles her into bed._

" _Will you wake me up in the morning?"_

" _I can't kiddo. I have to be at work early."_

" _Early, early?"_

" _Early, early, early. Before the sun comes up."_

" _That is late, late, late. Because it is still night."_

" _Either way," Kate chuckles, leaning down to kiss the girls cheek. "I'll see you in the afternoon."_

" _I love you really much."_

" _I love you really much too."_

 _They bid her goodnight and are halfway out the door before the girl calls Kate back, her voice shy._

" _What's the matter?"_

" _Kate, you can do me a favor."_

" _What kind of favor is that?"_

 _She clears her throat and then leans up to whisper in Kate's ear._

" _Marry daddy and be my mommy so we could play every night!"_

 _Kate huffs out a laugh and ignores the pull on her heart._

" _January, you are the best thing in the whole world, did you know that?"_

" _Well, I am pretty fun."_

" _You are, and I love you very much, but you need to go to sleep."_

" _Fine, but my favor?"_

" _Goodnight, January."_

" _Goodnight."_


	7. Chapter 7

The surroundings are only vaguely familiar when January wakes the next morning, stretching and searching for a clock. It's early and she rubs at her eyes, feeling the chaos of the last few days rise up in her chest. She doesn't want to start the day like she ended the last one- puffy eyes, tears, throat raw from uncontrollable crying. She misses her father so much that she can feel it through her entire body, tingling at her fingertips, pulsing in her ears. January feels somewhat stationary in the middle of bedlam, as though she's an immovable object in the eye of a tornado. If she reaches one hand out, it seems that it will be shorn off by flying debris. The only stability she can cling to is the mantra she repeats in her mind: Stay still. Stay strong. Stay upright.

Her feet hit the carpeted floor and she stands, pushing a hand through her hair before padding into the bathroom where she brushes her teeth and splashes water on her face to wake up. The rest of the loft is quiet and January is sure everyone else is asleep. She's still a guest here and she doesn't want to make too much noise, or venture downstairs to find something that will stop the growling of her stomach. Instead, she sits down on the bed, making a nest of the pillows and blankets before pulling her journal and photo album into her lap. She was surprised to see the latter in the duffel bag that Kate had packed for her and though she'd itched to open it up, she didn't feel steady enough to do it last night.

Now January traces her finger over the design etched into the leather cover, bottom lip caught between her teeth. She knows this by heart and has the order of the memories down pat; she can recall the story behind each one. She doesn't really need the physical object in her hands, but it is soothing to flip the pages and scan over the images again.

As she looks back on the photographed moments in her life- first steps, sleeping in the dog bed, laughing with her dad- it hits her hard that she's an orphan now. January doesn't remember her mother and that loss is something different entirely. But she has now lost her father as well, and she is the only piece of family she has left. "Me, myself, and I" has never made sense to her until this moment. It's colder somehow, and she pulls her knees to her chest, forehead resting on them while she tries to steady her breathing.

"I should have been there," Janaury whispers unsteadily. "Daddy, I'm sorry I ran. I'm sorry I didn't help you. I let you down."

She knows her father would call her silly for such a statement and that he can't hear her, but she has to say something, has to get the words out, even if they just float out into the void. They can't stay inside her anymore.

January doesn't realize she's crying until a noise from downstairs startles her out of the mire. She gulps and scrubs at her eyes, trying to look put together in case Kate comes to wake her again. It's not long until the sounds of breakfast preparation drift up to her and she remembers how hungry she is. Quickly changing clothes and washing her face again, she heads downstairs and takes in the various breakfast choices that the man of the house has started to prepare.

"Hey, good morning," Castle greets, giving her a little wave. "Are you hungry?"

"I could eat," she answers. She slides onto one of the stools and looks over the counter impressed. "Wow. You guys really go all out for a meal, huh?"

"The sun came up again today. Sounds like a good enough reason to celebrate."

January smiles and nods, turning the words over in her head. It's comforting to know that time passes no matter what, that some things are always constant, true, and present.

"So, do you like bacon or sausage better? And if it's sausage, links or patties?"

"I… uh, I usually just have cereal."

Castle shakes his head dramatically.

"That will never do. You going to just have to try it all and see what you like best."

January giggles.

"Okay. I like scrambled eggs the best."

"Good choice. That's usually what we have around here, but Kate likes hers over easy. Dips her toast in it."

"Ew!" January laughs. "Who grows up thinking that's okay?"

"At least I don't like S'morelettes," Kate yawns, coming out of the bedroom and tying her bathrobe around her middle.

"Is that what it sounds like?"

"Exactly."

"Does anyone eat anything properly around here?"

"And who likes a slice of cheese on her PB&J?" Kate challenges with an accusing finger pointed outward.

January crinkles her nose.

"Fair enough."

Kate smiles and leans over to kiss the top of her head.

"Sleep okay?"

"Sure."

January is certain that Kate is about to question her harder, but Alexis comes downstairs just at the right moment and saves her.

"You started the food but not the coffee? Kate, I thought you were training him."

"Sorry bud. He's a stubborn student."

"I'm right here, you know," Castle grumbles.

"We know," they answer in unison, and January chuckles. If she felt cold and alone upstairs she feels nothing but belonging and warmth down here. It doesn't make the ache in her chest go away and it doesn't bring her dad back, but it does show her that he doesn't have to be the only source of love in her life. If Kate can love and be loved like this, then so can she.

* * *

It's not until late in the afternoon that Kate remembers the plans she'd had today, before all this had started. Groaning inwardly and feeling like a complete failure, she heads upstairs to knock on Alexis' door.

"Yeah, come in."

The redhead seems more than a little distracted by the litter of papers and text books around her but she looks up and gives Kate a smile.

"What's up?"

"I was just… it took me this long to remember that we had plans today. I'm sorry, I-"

Alexis waves her off with a half grin.

"You've had actual important things going on."

"This was important."

"It was a shopping spree at Sephora. It's not that important."

"Yes it was. It was supposed to be… you know, we were supposed to do something, just the two of us."

"We still will," Alexis assures with a nod. "Things will settle and we'll shop for mascara. It's alright."

Kate nods.

"You don't have to apologize for the fact that your life is a little upside down right now," Alexis continues, closing her textbook. "And… you know, for the record, I think it would be pretty amazing if it stayed upside down."

Kate catches the meaning, smile widening across her face as she sinks into a chair.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I can't imagine being in her shoes, losing dad and having no one else. I would be a mess. And I think she is too, but when she's with you, she seems better. Like she's going to get through it. I don't think another living situation would be good for her."

"I don't either. But I can't get my hopes up. I don't think they'll ever let me. With work and… I'm not exactly mother material."

"If they told you that you could keep her but you had to quit your job-"

"I'd quit."

The answer comes so quickly that Kate blinks hard and curses softly at the realization. Alexis just raises her eyebrows in such an "I told you so" fashion that Kate laughs.

"There's your answer," Alexis chuckles. "In other words, _duh._ "

"Ryan called me the voice of reason once. I think he's going to have to redistribute that moniker."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why did you and January's dad break up? I mean, I know they were moving away but what was it really?"

Kate hesitates, biting the inside of her cheek.

"I know you didn't let that little girl go just because of distance."

"It wasn't that simple," Kate agrees. "The relationship wasn't going to last, not the way it was going. And if they were able to stay in the city, we could have worked on it, but both things against us didn't make sense."

"And going with them knowing that the relationship was in trouble wouldn't have been a very smart move either."

"No. And there were things about me that I knew weren't healthy for January. My mom's case, how easily I can fall down that rabbit hole, she didn't deserve to go through that. Watch me be reckless. I didn't pick the case over her, but I did realize that I wasn't able to give her all that she needed."

Alexis nods, recalling very similar reasoning when she and Kate had finally cleared the air about the summer Kate had basically disappeared from the face of the earth. Maybe Kate's decisions don't look so good on the outside, and her intentions aren't always clear, but she does the best she can with what she has and what she knows.

"Do you think you can now?"

"I can't bring her dad back. I can't get back the innocence she had before. I can't make the hurt go away."

"But you can love her," Alexis finishes, such certainty in her voice that Kate nearly tears up. "You already do, I can see it. And don't for a second think you're not mother material. The bad stuff you've been through doesn't make you a bad person."

"I signed up for a step-daughter, not a live-in motivational speaker."

"I'll give you the family discount."

They smile together for a moment before the redhead turns serious.

"Kate, she's going to stay, right? I mean, you and dad want that?"

"We do. But it's not entirely up to us."

"Can I help at all?"

"Just keep being your level-headed self."

"You got it."

* * *

Kate chuckles to herself as she listens to Castle and January chatter back and forth about a book series they'd both just finished. It isn't one she's had time for herself, but she was intrigued by the illustrations in Castle's copy. The discussion is animated and she listens as January's voice gets higher and higher with excitement. It's the same as when she was a little girl, always happy and bright. It might not be like that again for a while, but eventually with love and with guidance, Kate hopes the girl can return to herself.

"I think Curtis had to have gone back," January states with a nod. "He was so happy there. I mean, wouldn't you like to be a Wildwood Bandit? Even a reformed one?"

"Of course, but I think he found his place in his family."

"Yeah. I guess a person could split their time. Curtis doesn't go to summer camp, he goes to Wildwood."

"I'll accept that," Castle chuckles.

"I want to go there someday."

"You can't go to Wildwood, you're not of Woods magic!"

January chortles and shakes her head.

"How do you know?"

He laughs and holds up his hands in defeat.

"No, I mean I want to go to Portland. Walk in that park, you know, the one that inspired the story. It'd be fun to figure out where things would be if it really was Wildwood."

"See," Castle starts, pulling Kate back into the conversation. "It's not weird to want to visit fictional places."

"I didn't say it was weird, I said I wasn't doing it on my honeymoon."

January smiles as they meander through the park, pre-dinner ice-cream cones long gone. She needed the fresh air and the exercise and she feels more settled about things now than she did an hour ago. She's not sure how Rick knew that this would be good for her, but she's glad he did. They make things easier, this little family that has pulled her in, and she wonders what she would have done if fate hadn't sent Kate to the apartment that day. Surely there are other cops that could have been given the case. It must mean something. Maybe it's not fate. Maybe it's her dad looking out for her.

Kate's phone rings and they detour over to a bench so she can answer. January sinks into it, inspecting the collection of friendship bracelets on her wrist, each one reminding her that she hasn't spoken to anyone in two days. Maybe she's not ready, or maybe so much has changed that she's unsure if her friends will even want her around.

The thought hurts.

January is lost in her wonderings for a while and when she looks up they're both staring down at her, expressions unreadable, but not good.

"What?" she asks softly, fear clenching at her stomach as Kate holds a hand out.

"Let's go home, we'll tell you there."

"No. Tell me now."

Kate sits down on the bench and takes a deep breath, clearly not wanting to say whatever it is that she has to.

"You uh… you have an aunt."

"No I don't."

"You do. Your mom's sister. She lives in Seattle and she's going to be here tomorrow-"

"No!"

"Sweetheart-"

"No! I knew you didn't want me!"

"I-"

"You never did!" she shouts, jumping up and pointing an accusatory finger in Kate's face. "You're going to leave me again, just like you did before! Why don't you love me? What did I do?"

Kate reaches for January but the girl is too fast, dashing off only to be lost in a sea of people.


	8. Chapter 8

Their reaction time is slower than normal but they're soon pushing through the throngs of people, searching for the distraught girl. Luck would have it that have come down here on a "Movie in the Park" night, and there would be hundreds of kids just about January's height running around. Neither one of them bother calling for her, but split up to look, Castle heading in the direction of the crowds while Kate chooses the opposite.

Her feet pound on the path and her chest tightens, not from the exertion but from the blind panic these last two minutes have put her in. There are hundreds of people around to spot something amiss, yes, but there are also hundreds of people around, upping the chances that someone with dark intentions is among them. Kate's never felt this fierce need to protect before, not to the degree that it makes her heart beat harder and her feet go faster.

She comes around a bend in the path and spots the girl ahead. Putting on more speed Kate sidesteps other people until she gets close enough to grab January around the waist and pull her to a stand still.

"Honey, stop."

"No! Leave me alone! That's what you wanted all along!"

"It's not," Kate pants, trying to keep a hold on the squirming girl. "I never wanted that. Please listen to me."

"It doesn't matter! I'll be gone soon and you'll never have to deal with me again okay?"

"Janny," she says, knowing she can't hold on much longer. "Janny, baby please."

The girl crumples against her at the use of the old nickname and tears stream down her face while Kate rocks her back and forth.

"Shh," Kate soothes. She heavily recalls those few evenings she'd comforted a smaller version of this same girl during a thunderstorm. "I'm right here. Right here. You're safe."

"No one wants me," January hiccups, trying to catch her breath. "Dad was the only one and now he's gone. I'm alone."

"You're not alone," Kate says firmly, as she holds January tighter. "You have me. I always wanted you, Janny. I never stopped. Never, never."

"You didn't come with us. You stayed here and I never saw you again. You said you loved me and then you were gone."

Kate doesn't have a good answer, at least not one that will be quick enough to calm the girl.

"I love you," she starts instead. "I can't make you believe it, but I love you so much."

"You didn't come to see me. You didn't call. I wasn't worth it."

"You were worth it. You still are. I wanted to call you and I wanted to come and see you but I couldn't. No matter how much I love you, you weren't my kid."

"Dad kept you away?" January asks, finally looking up at her.

"Your dad made a decision based on what he thought was best for you."

January sniffles against her chest and Kate rubs at her back with one hand while using the other to text Castle that they're okay.

"Sweetheart, I think there are some things that you need to know. Can we go home and talk about it?"

January hiccups a few times but nods, defeated. She wants to scream that it's not home, push Kate away and run somewhere far, far from the city. But her body won't obey and she finds herself walking slowly back the way she came. She's angry, she's sad, and she's too young for this. She wants her dad. As much as she loves Kate and as many times as she's wished for Kate over the years, all she wants is her father. He could fix it all, could help her make sense of her mind again, could tell her it would all be okay. He always had before. He's taken care of her when she was sick, stayed up late to help her with homework, and taken her side when she fought with her friends. Her father had been the only person she really had in the world, the only one she needed. He had loved her so perfectly, in a way that no one else ever could. How could anything ever be okay again?

* * *

Sounds and smells of dinner fill the loft as Kate directs January to the couch, letting her curl into the corner of it and toe her shoes off onto the floor. She looks so little again, with her brown eyes wide but full of tears that Kate wants to figure out how to banish forever.

"Hey Janny," Kate starts as she sits down close, but not so close that it's suffocating.

"No one's called me that in years," the girl notes. "You were the only one."

"Do you want me to not-"

"No, I… I want you to. It's… special."

Kate smiles and scoots closer, surprised when the slender girl crawls into her lap.

"I used to cry for you at night. Especially after we went to Wisconsin. Dad tried to make it better but he couldn't. All I wanted was you. Now all I want is dad and you can't make it better."

"No I can't," Kate agrees, cuddling her closer. "And I can't make up for those years I was gone, or how much it hurt you."

"Why didn't you want us? What did we do wrong?"

"Nothing baby," Kate soothes. "You didn't do anything wrong at all."

"Then why?"

"There were a lot of reasons. And I think your dad and I both made some mistakes. I know we did."

"That's not an answer."

"Your dad and I, we loved each other, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't like it should be. When he needed to move, he asked me to come too. I wanted to because I loved him and I love you and I would miss you both so much if you were gone. We talked about it a lot. I researched jobs there, if I could transfer. I thought about the three of us living together. I spent a lot of time kidding myself that it would all be perfect. Honey, your dad was a wonderful man, but he and I didn't always bring out the best in each other. We weren't very happy together."

"But why?"

"You remember that I lost my mom?"

"Yes."

"For a long time, I was obsessed with finding out what happened. I threw my whole self into it. It took over my life for a while. And I was getting better, but sometimes that obsession came back. It wasn't always just my mom's case. Sometimes I would throw myself into work. I would take risks and do dangerous things because I felt like I had nothing to lose. Because I wanted to get answers for others if I couldn't have them for myself. Your dad didn't understand and sometimes that made it worse. And even though I loved you so much, I was starting to be reckless again. I couldn't put you or your dad through that."

"So you decided to leave?"

"There were other reasons. Practical ones, like the fact that there was hardly any police force in the area you were going to. I would have had to change careers or something, which I couldn't do at the time. And your dad and I, we had things in our relationship that needed a lot of work. It wasn't work we could do long distance. I made the decision that I couldn't go with you, but I was willing to try and figure out a way to still be in your lives."

"Dad didn't want that."

"He didn't want me being there for you and then not, then being there, then not. He didn't want you to constantly feel like I was leaving you. He felt like a clean break was better."

"He didn't let you talk to me?"

"He said that when you guys moved back, he would get in touch with me. He never did. I assumed you stayed in Wisconsin."

"You didn't check?"

Kate pauses. The birthday cards had always come back as "return to sender" or with a note that the address had changed, but she had never checked. She should have and at the moment she cannot think of one good, solid reason why she didn't.

"No, I didn't. That's on me. I should have. I suppose I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could have done anyway. If you were back in town… honey, you weren't my kid. No matter how much I loved you, I had no rights to you at all."

January whimpers and buries her face in Kate's shoulder.

"I wanted you to be my mommy," she whispers. "Even if you and dad couldn't make it work between you, why couldn't he let me still have you?"

"I don't know."

"Was he trying to punish you? To hurt you by taking me away?"

Kate shakes her head, though that is the conclusion she has rested upon for many years. She doesn't want to paint the man in a bad light, not now, and probably not ever.

"Your dad loved you. He wanted to do what was best for you. I don't know what his reasoning was, and I don't know if he always felt like it was right, but it is what it is."

"You guys broke up, but that's just something adults go through. Kids shouldn't have to go through that too."

"I agree. And I'm so sorry that things went how they did. So sorry that I hurt you. If we had more time to figure things out, maybe it would have been better. If I had put you before other things, or if your dad and I hadn't been so stubborn then maybe things would have been different. We can't change it now but I wish we could."

"Dad says… I mean, he always said that sometimes there's no right answer, and we just have to do our best with what we're given. Is that kind of how it was?"

"Yeah. Sometimes both options hurt. Hardly anything is just black and white, right or wrong."

"I don't like that. It's scary."

"I know."

"I just found you again," January hiccups. "I don't want to lose you. Please don't make me go!"

Kate wants to say something reassuring but there are no words. She can't promise anything. Once again, she has no choice. She is going to have to say goodbye. It is already ripping her heart in two. She can't imagine letting go a second time.

"Janny, I will always want you. I will always love you. No matter what. I don't want you to go either."

"Can't I… can't we… I'm an orphan, Kate. Orphans get adopted."

"Sweetheart, listen to me. Look at my eyes," she coaches, holding the girls face between her hands. "I love you and I want you with me, forever. No matter what happens, I will always want that. Don't forget it. You understand?"

January nods. It's not an answer or a promise, just harsh reality covered in unconditional love.

They lean back on the couch again, Kate humming softly while January cuddles into her. January is terrified that in a few days time, she'll be all the way across the country with people who she doesn't know. If the universe can really take away her father and bring her Kate temporarily before forcing them apart too, then that universe really is cruel and she has no desire to live in it anymore.

"We should eat," Kate says after a while. "Ice-cream won't hold until morning."

"Not hungry."

"You should eat anyway. I know it sounds like the worst thing in the world right now, but trust me. Alexis made spaghetti, and it's incredible."

"Can I go to bed after?"

"If you want to."

"Okay."

She starts to get up but Kate hugs her again, kissing the top of her head and smoothing away the rest of the tears.

"I love you, Janny."

"I love you too."


	9. Chapter 9

They've been moving through stores for over an hour, in search of a dress for January to wear to the funeral. Summer clothing lines mean little to no black or dark colored dresses; the ones that are the right color are the wrong style. And just when they think they've found something that works, it doesn't come in her size, or it's on back-order, or any other number of wardrobe problems that happen when one is in search of something important. The girls mood quiets and turns more sour with each store, and Kate in turn becomes more frustrated. It's not as if January can really filter how she feels, nor should she, but Kate wishes she would perk up just a little more. It would make this whole thing easier.

She's being selfish, she realizes, as they step out of yet another store. January walks down the sidewalk, not looking ahead, eyes trained on the ground but shoulders squared. Kate knows the body language well and carefully reaches out to pull the girl into her side.

"Want to take a break?"

"I don't care."

"I know you're tired of this-"

"It's _fine_ Kate. Really."

"Sweetheart, it's okay to be mad," Kate starts, gently pulling her over to stand out of the way of the movement on the sidewalk.

"I'm not mad."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!"

"Janny, it's just a dress. It's a stupid dress and it doesn't mean anything. You'll never wear it again-"

"I won't wear it at all!" she says, stamping her foot. "I won't wear it at all because I'm not going and you can't make me!"

Had the subject not been so tragic, Kate would have outright laughed at the child-like exclamations. As it is, it only brings tears to her eyes, and she tries to tug January into her arms, but fails.

"Honey, you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't go."

"I will not!"

"I know you feel like going makes it real-"

"It already is real. My dad is dead. He's dead and he's not coming back and I have to say goodbye to him and I don't know how! Don't you get that? I'm not supposed to have to do this, Kate!"

Kate stoops down and takes January's chin tipping it up and looking hard into those big brown eyes.

"I know it's scary," Kate begins, her voice soft and steady. "You don't want people to see you cry. You know that seeing them upset is going to make you mad because they couldn't possibly hurt as much as you do. You don't want to go because that makes it final, and you're scared that you'll start to forget him. You're scared that when you're happy it means you're not sad that he's gone. You don't want him to be disappointed in you. And going to this funeral forces you to face all that stuff. But Janny, you need to face that stuff. Trust me when I tell you that saying goodbye can heal so much of the pain. Saying goodbye doesn't cancel him out."

January isn't crying, she's holding back her tears because she refuses to let it go on a street corner, especially not after she had a freak out in the park last night. But Kate is right. She's scared of everything that is to come. If she can stay here in limbo, maybe she can figure it out. But life keeps moving on no matter how desperately she clings on and tries to pull it back.

"You'll stay by me?"

"I won't leave you. I promise. Listen, if you really decide that you don't want to go, then I won't make you. But you need to think hard about it because there isn't a do-over. We can go and leave early if you want. It's up to you. But know that you won't be alone, whatever you choose."

"Okay."

Kate pulls her in for a hug and drops a kiss to the top of her head, leaving the discussion open if it's needed.

"Can we take a break?" January asks finally, her voice thick with the tears that she's still denying. "Shop for something fun?"

"Sure, that sounds good. There's a bookstore around the corner, if you want."

January nods and they walk hand in hand to the store. Kate hangs back a little, watching as January heads straight for the section with journals and pens, her hands grazing over the leather covers before moving on to the sketch books, picking up each one in turn and flipping through the pages before checking the price. She settles them all back onto the shelf before picking up the smallest one, clutching it to her chest and sighing with a gentle smile on her face. She seems content, so Kate moves to another section, browsing through titles and occasionally looking up to check on January.

They continue this way for almost an hour, Kate searching for something specific while January darts from section to section, her attention never grabbed by the fiction shelves. Instead she circles the shelves of how-to books, picking up things in every subject, from baking to watercolors. She's a doer, Kate decides, she needs concrete activities, she needs to see and feel things. Abstract is probably not her strong suit and creation makes her happy.

Finally finding a small stack of books that are relevant to her own needs, Kate walks across the store and slides her arm around January's shoulders. The girl looks up from a book on dog training, taking a moment to focus on where she is.

"Find anything good?" Kate asks, smiling down at the photo of two puppies playing.

"Lots," January replies.

"Anything you want to get?"

"Just this," she answers, holding up the sketch book.

"That's all?"

"I don't have much of my allowance left."

"I can get you something if-"

"No, I don't need it. I'll earn the money and come back for them. Besides, this will keep me busy for a while."

"You sure?"

"Yep. Thanks though."

They move to the line and Kate reaches over to a display table, adding a pack of drawing pencils to her pile. Maybe she'll present it later tonight, or maybe when the girl needs a little spirit-lift.

"Hungry?" she asks, once they're done.

"Kind of. But maybe… let's get this done first?"

"Sounds good," Kate nods, proud of the pre-teen for taking some control. It must be hard to do in this situation, and she notes that January walks just a little taller. It's going to be a rough road, but she can make it.

* * *

January takes the news of Tanya's arrest silently a few hours later. Though she wasn't close to her father's ex, Kate thought that January would have more to say on the matter. Or anything really. She nods, asks if Tanya will be in jail for very long, then makes a flimsy excuse and heads up to her room, closing the door behind her.

"How'd it go?" Castle asks as Kate joins him in the bedroom with two fingers at her temple.

"I don't know. I thought she would have more questions. At least want to know why. But she accepted it and went upstairs like… like it was nothing."

"It might not be anything yet. She might not need answers the way you did."

"I know," she replies, sinking onto the bed. "I just worry that she's up there wondering all alone. I don't know what to do here, Castle. What's best for her? What does she need?"

"She might need space," he comments slowly, reaching over to play with her hair.

"I don't want her to feel alone."

"I know, but she has to know that she can coach herself through grief a little bit too. For all we know, she does the majority of her mourning when she's alone. She might need that now too."

"You're probably right. I want to protect her and make her feel safe. She doesn't have to tell me everything but I would like her to know she can. I don't want to push her. I don't want to base what I do on what I wanted and needed when I lost my mom. She's her own person. She's not like me at all, but that's the only point of reference I have."

"Maybe… don't try and anticipate. Go with what she needs in the moment. Listen to her and be there for her, but let her take the lead."

She nods and crashes against his chest, clutching at him hard because somehow he's tipped the world back on its axis and she's grateful that he loves her so well.

"I love you."

"I love you too. You're doing a good job, Kate. Especially with how out of the blue all of this is. I'm proud of you."

Those four words mean so much more to her than he will ever know, and she blinks back tears.

"Thank you."

"You should sleep."

"It's early."

"And you've been doing nothing more than cat-napping for two days. Go to sleep."

Kate nods and rolls off the bed to go brush her teeth. She returns a few moments later and changes clothes, leaving her shirt and jeans scattered on the floor. Castle smiles and tucks the blankets in around her shoulders.

"Castle, I got books today. About how to help a child deal with grief and loss. How to parent a hurting child. I skimmed them a little and they all talk about providing the child with a stable environment. And I just… we don't know anything about this long-lost aunt. What if she's crazy? What if she's abusive, or her house is a health hazard? What if she's a drug addict? Or-"

"Kate. If any of that is true, they'll find it."

"They might not find out she's crazy. The worst stuff is so easy to hide. I don't want to send her there if I don't know. She could even dupe me tomorrow when we meet her. We have no idea the kind of person she is and I'm supposed to be okay with sending my little girl to live with her?"

"Did you hear what you just said?"

She rolls over and glares at him.

"Yes, but that's not the point right now, Castle."

"I think it's entirely the point. I don't think you're truly worried about these things, I think you're just hoping that they find some reason why January can't go to Seattle. And you don't want to admit that it's because you want to keep her."

"Don't try to analyze me right now," she huffs, sitting up to face him. "I don't like that you're trying to make light of this."

"I'm not! I'm listening to you, and I'm hearing a lot more than you're saying."

She moves to get out of bed, but he's anticipated that and reaches over to pull her back to his arms. She wrinkles her nose but doesn't pull away, and he kisses her temple, dropping his voice to a whisper.

"It's okay to want her, Kate. It's okay to think of her as yours, to love her that much, to want to be her mother. It's not like it's a new thing. It's been sitting there in your heart for the last 7 years. There is no shame in that, none at all. And if you're not ready to accept that's how you feel, then take some time. But don't go into this already imagining this woman as a monster. That's not fair."

"I hate when you're right."

"You must be upset most of the time then."

"Shut up," Kate groans, on a small chuckle.

"Listen, we all want what's best for her. And we're going to do everything we can to make sure she gets it. What that means for us is secondary."

"Maybe I'm the crazy one," she sighs as she leans back against him.

"That very well may be," he teases. "And increasing in probability by the moment."

"When did you become the logical one?"

"Yesterday. Around noon, I think."

Kate snorts at the bad joke and moves back to her side of the bed. It doesn't feel that much better but she doesn't feel as alone anymore. She knows that Castle will support her, that they'll be in this together, whatever it ends up being.

"I don't want you to think that I'm not hearing your concerns, Kate. I am and I share them. I don't want her to leave, and we never hear from her again. I don't want her to be miserable and unable to let us know. The likelihood of that happening is pretty low, but it's still out there, and I don't want to see that happen."

"If we knew for sure that she would be with us for a while longer…"

"She is. She'll stay here until everything is figured out."

"They could figure it out tomorrow."

"It's going to take much longer than that."

She raises an eyebrow.

"I've been doing some reading of my own," he shrugs. "There isn't anything we can do tonight, and not much we can do in the morning. We have to let things happen and figure out where to go from there."

"Okay."

"She knows you love her, Kate. No matter what happens, she'll know that for sure this time."


	10. Chapter 10

Kate had woken that morning with a lump in her throat and a tightness in her chest. It had taken almost half an hour to convince herself to get up and face the day and she'd been unable to eat or even have more than half of a cup of coffee. January had fared no better, eyes downcast, words few and far between all morning. They make quite a pair walking into the Department of Child and Family Services, waiting in the hallway outside Ms. Whitman's office.

"You feeling okay?" Kate asks, gently snaking her arm around January's slender shoulders.

January is silent and turns carefully towards her, holding on tightly and burying her face in Kate's shirt.

"Hey sweetie it's going to be okay."

"Can't we just go?"

"Go where?"

"Go home. I don't want to do this, Kate. I don't care that she's my mother's sister. I don't know my mother and I don't want to know this lady. I just want to go home."

"I do too," Kate breathes. "I want to go home and keep you with me forever. Like it always should have been. But whatever happens, don't you think it's always a good thing to have more people in your life that care about you? Wherever you end up, you want there to be a family in your corner, don't you?"

"You're saying I should give her a shot?"

"Yes."

"It won't hurt your feelings?"

"Not at all. Janny, I want you to be happy and taken care of. I want you to have all the opportunities possible, and I want you to never feel alone. If that means staying here with me, then that's the best thing that could ever have happened. But if not… I just want the best for you. Understand?"

"Yeah."

"I'm always going to love you. No matter what."

January bites back the words she wants to say, knowing, trusting, that she'll get another chance. Right now, when the door across the hall is opening, is not the time.

They're invited into the office and Kate notices January stiffen as she's introduced to her aunt. The woman is older, not retirement age, but definitely an empty-nester. Her eyes are full of light, her smile is sad, yet wide and she addresses January kindly.

"You look just like your mother," she notes after an awkward moment.

"I do?" January asks, and Kate feels the girl loosen up slightly.

"Just like her. With your dad's eyes."

"You knew my dad?"

"Barely. Your mom was… well, that's a story for another time."

The two of them sit down on the couch and Kate suddenly feels out of place. She's not family and she does not have legal rights. She's somehow just standing here.

"Let's give them a minute," Ms. Whitman suggests, leading Kate back into the hallway.

"Background check came back?"

"You know I can't divulge that kind of information."

"But-"

"You have nothing to worry about, Kate. January would be going to a loving family who is more than ready to have her with them. She has cousins, aunts and uncles, a lot of people waiting for her."

That only makes Kate feel worse. She wants more than anything to keep January with her, but she doesn't want to be the source of disappointment for the biological family. If it comes down to it and really turns into some kind of fight, is she willing to let go? Does she even have a right? And if January does stay here, how will they deal with the fact that she has an entire family that she doesn't know? How will Kate herself deal with the guilt that is already roiling in the pit of her stomach?

"I know you care about her, Kate. I understand the history there, and it's not something that will be forgotten when decisions are reached."

"I need a minute."

Kate hurries down the hallway and into the bathroom, leaning against the sink and taking several deep breaths. It was so easy to talk big yesterday, to convince herself that this was going to be fine, no big deal, that she was happy with whatever outcome. But now as it stares her in the face, she struggles to accept it. The reality that January may be taken from her once again is more than she can bear. She wants to run back into that room and scoop the girl up, take her home and live happily ever after. But she can't, wouldn't if she could. That's not fair to anyone.  
None of it is, really.

She takes a few more minutes to catch her breath, using rough paper towels to wipe away the tears that have coursed down her cheeks. She can't do this; she can't rely on a ten-year-old girl to make her feel better. She can't indirectly guilty trip the poor girl either. There will be time for her to digest this and feel it later. For now she needs to buck up and be a calm, steady support for her kid.

Her kid.

Kate shakes the words away. She's thought them in the deepest parts of her heart, and she's even spoken them aloud to her husband, but right now is not the time.

Emerging from the bathroom, she finds January, Ms. Whitman, and aunt Renee standing in a circle, their conversation seemingly light. January turns and smiles at her, reaching out her hand and then happily introducing the two women. She's comfortable and happy, and Kate will never deny that fact. Loving a child and being a parent is giving them the best, no matter how hard it is. That's what she intends to do. It may well kill her, but she'll do it.

* * *

"Oh Richard, wonderful," Martha greets, breezing into the study. "I was afraid you were busy."

He looks down at the computer, where he's been furiously writing the next five chapters of Nikki Heat, then back up at his mother, who seems to ignore that his time is, in fact, spoken for.

"I've just been to look at two apartments and I need a second opinion."

"Mother-"

"I know I've been dragging my feet on this but I think I've finally narrowed it down. And just in time too, it seems," she adds with a smile.

"Mother-"

"Now, I'd like to be all settled before things here are official, but I would like your opinion on the matter, as I seem to be quite indecisive."

"Mother, you don't have to move out," he starts, closing the laptop.

"Darling, this loft is no place for five people-"

"It may not get to be," he answers on a long sigh. "Kate took January down to DCFS this morning to meet her aunt."

"Oh," Martha says as she settles down on the couch with a frown. "How did that go?"

"They're all spending the rest of the afternoon together."

She measures his tone and word choice before shaking her head.

"It's not just Katherine who wants to keep her."

Castle shrugs one shoulder. He doesn't feel like he's allowed to want the child or to care for her and grow to love her as his own.

"It's not my feelings that matter," he answers finally. "But no, it's not just Kate."

Martha tilts her head to the side, offering an encouraging smile.

"So what are you going to do?"

"We don't know. We haven't… we're on the same page, we would love for her to stay here. But the specifics of making that happen, we haven't discussed. It might not be something we end up having a say in, and it might not end up being the best thing for her. We just don't know right now."

"I know you've done some research about all of this. What have you learned?"

"I've seen every answer. Between the family lawyers and social workers I've contacted, there are a lot of different opinions. The one thing that seems to be agreed upon is that every case is different, age plays a big role, and there's no real way to predict an outcome."

"It seems to be that fretting over the future is going to do more harm than good. Concentrate on making her days here easier, whether they last another week or the rest of her life."

"We're trying. Circumstances make that difficult. The funeral is tomorrow," he explains, as Martha nods along. "Kind of impossible to make her happy and comfortable when this is the furthest she'll be from it in her life. And you don't want to downplay that either. It's hard."

"I'm sure you and Katherine will find the best ways to guide her."

"I hope we get the chance."

She smiles and stands up, crossing the room to him, leaning down to look him in the eye.

"Whatever happens, I know that she'll always know she has a home here. If you can't give her everything, at the least, you can give her that."

Castle nods and Martha straightens up, dropping an uncharacteristic kiss to the top of his head as she does so.

"Thank you, Mother. Now about those apartments…"

"Ah yes," she remembers, clapping her hands together once and producing a slip of paper from her pocket. "Here are the addresses. We can peruse the listings together."

He smiles and begins the search, feeling such a great amount of pride in the fact that his mother comes to him for an opinion, that no matter what has happened in their lives, they've always had each other. It's rare for a mother and son to be so close, he assumes, especially when personalities and lifestyles haven't always run parallel. What he would do without her, he isn't sure.

"Did you check out the crime rate around here?" he asks, pointing at the map on the screen. "Just look at the rate of burglaries."

"Oh my. Well then, I suppose that one is off the list."

She says it with a little regret in her voice and he hurriedly searches for the second address she'd given him. He doesn't necessarily want her to go; he loves having her here and is grateful for her love and support. But he knows that it is time, and there is nothing to say that she won't be a frequent visitor.

"It is an older building," she notes as the listing comes up. "But the architecture, those windows…"

He bites back a laugh as she trails off, staring wistfully at the screen.

"Mother, you knew this was the one long before you came in here asking me."

"Well, I can't have you thinking I've completely abandoned ship, now can I?"

He laughs, shakes his head, and thanks fate that he was delivered to this woman.

"It's not far either. I think this is the one, Mother. If you must."

"I must, darling. It's time for you to stand on your own two feet."

She receives an eye roll for the teasing.

"You never know what the future will bring, Richard."

"Hopefully, inspiration for this next chapter," he says, clicking to reopen the document he's been fiddling with all morning.

"And that is my cue. And thank you for your help, darling."

"Anytime, Mother."

* * *

Alexis is just about to turn out her lights for the evening when she hears a timid knock on her door, followed by one that is slightly more forceful. Curious, she stands up and opens the door, finding January in the hallway, looking much smaller than her almost-eleven years.

"Um, do you have any face wash? I only had a little of mine left."

"Sure, I think I can find you something," Alexis smiles, inviting her into the room. "I keep a bunch of free samples and stuff under my sink. If you need anything you can grab it out of there."

They move into the bathroom and Alexis opens the cupboard, pulling out a basket full of travel and sample sized products, searching through it while January stands in the doorway.

"So, you met your aunt today."

"Yeah."

"How was that?"

January shrugs, lifting her hand so she can wind her hair between her fingers.

"She's nice I guess. She showed me pictures of my mom. I've never seen any before. And she lives on a lake. They have a dock in the water and her husband, he has a boat. They have a spare room and it looks out over the water and she said that the sun rises right over the mountains. And I have a lot of cousins and…"

She trails off, eyes brimming with tears.

"Do you want to go?" Alexis asks gently, hoping the answer is an adamant no.

"I'm not sure."

"That's okay, you know. It's a big deal. I don't think it has a right answer."

"I want to stay here. I want to stay with Kate. I've always wanted that. But going there, I would get to know my family. I could hear stories about my mom. See where she grew up. All that stuff, you know?"

"There's something special about knowing where you come from, especially when you've never really known."

"But… Kate."

"She'll love you no matter what."

"She loves me already. They don't even know me. I… if I stay here, they won't be hurt that bad. But if I go, then Kate will be hurt. I don't want to do that to her."

"You know one thing she's really good at? She's really good at telling you to do what you need and want to do, and supporting you no matter what. When I tease my dad and say I'm quitting school and becoming a pirate, Kate just tells me to be careful I don't end up with a peg leg. It's just a joke of course, but if I was serious, she'd support me. No matter where you end up, whether your opinion is counted or not, she's going to love you just as much. And if you go, it will hurt, but your well-being is more important to her than that."

"I still don't want to go," January decides, shaking her head. "It's cool that I have a real family and maybe I can still get to know them, but I want to stay here. My dad is here. I mean, not really but he's more here than he is there, you know?"

Alexis nods.

"They won't really let me make the decision anyway," January continues, taking a deep breath. "The person who decides where I'm going to live has never even met me. How fair is that?"

"It's ridiculous. I'm sure they'll take your opinion into account, but it's not very fair to you at all."

"It makes me feel sick inside."

Alexis smiles sadly, the face wash forgotten as she stands up from the floor and slides her arm around January's shoulders.

"Want some hot chocolate?"

"It's late."

"It has marshmallows."

"Let's go."

They make their way downstairs where the lights are still on.

"What are you two still doing up?" Castle asks as he starts the dishwasher.

"Hot chocolate," Alexis answers, taking two mugs down from the cupboard. "Don't worry, we won't go crazy."

"Or stay up too late."

"Or that," she agrees, knowing that January needs her rest to deal with tomorrow.

"Okay, clean up after yourselves, and I'll see you in the morning."

He bids them both goodnight and January climbs up onto one of the stools while Alexis gathers the chocolate and marshmallows. They're too busy talking and giggling together to notice Kate watching them, tears washing over her face at the reality that this may not ever happen again.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Really quickly, I want to apologize in advance if I stop posting as often. The chapters are written (I'm halfway done with 19), but my beta has a husband, a kid, school, work, her own writing, life in general, and she somehow manages to put up with me for the last 16 years. She has gone above and beyond the call of duty to help me with this story and everything else she has going on is more important than this. Hopefully we can stay on track but if not, that's why!

* * *

Though this is one of the hardest days of her life, January is nothing less than grateful to all of her father's co-workers who stepped in to plan the memorial service. She doesn't know them that well but they all offer hugs of support and cards with their phone numbers on them if she needs it. She's mostly surrounded during the service, all of them sitting close as if to protect her from how hard this is.

She wants to stand up in the middle of the whole thing and tell everyone to just stop, stop talking about her dad as if he were a normal person and as if all he had been worth were his skills as an EMT. No one has talked about how he did the grocery shopping for their elderly neighbor, or how he volunteered at the animal shelter, or the fact that he took his daughter and three of her friends to Disneyworld one year "just because." No one seems to know him outside of his job and January realizes that this whole thing isn't really about him. It's about everyone else needing to share memories of him. She's going to have her whole life to remember him and maybe she should let it go for now.

Kate holds January's hand through the entire service, then keeps an arm around her as they leave and is silent in the car on the way back to the loft. It's nice to have the emotional space to a point, but something about walking in the front door causes a deep sense of finality to shudder through January's entire body, and suddenly she can barely stand. Kate is right there, guiding her to the couch and letting her curl up the corner of it. January isn't sure if she's crying or screaming, but she's never been more scared and alone in her life, has never felt pain like she feels now. Her chest feels tight, like the grief is squeezing her to death and she wants to rip whatever it is straight out of her. She's vaguely aware of Kate trying to console her, or at least coaching her to breathe properly, but she cannot gain enough control to listen to simple commands. Almost as if she's merely observing from inside and that there's a part of her that feels totally detached from what's happening. Her body is reacting and her mind is calmly waiting for the furor to die down.

January is not sure who brings it or why, but her baby blanket is pressed into her arms and her mind finally slides back home, coaching her to breathe correctly and to calm herself. Kate has been by her side the entire time, and now moves up to the couch, letting January crawl into her lap like a small child.

"I want my dad," January hiccups, body still shaking from the adrenaline. "He left me."

"He didn't leave you," Kate reminds softly. "He was taken away. He loved you more than anything in the world and he never, ever wanted to go."

"What if I forget him?"

"You won't. You'll never forget him honey. You have videos and pictures, so many memories. It'll hit you at the oddest times. Something will happen and you'll hear his voice in your head. You'll laugh and you'll hear his laughter right beside yours. You'll see something that he would have liked and you'll feel like he's standing right there with you. And it's sad sometimes, but after a while, it makes you happy. So happy that you had someone who loved you so much and imprinted on your heart in a way no one can ever take away from you. You won't forget, I promise."

"Please don't make me go," January whispers, burying her face in the blanket.

"Make you go where?"

"Seattle. Please, please don't make me. I can't do it. I can't."

"I won't make you go anywhere sweetie. I want you here, more than anything."

"What if they make me go?"

"Then I will visit you every chance I get and I will keep loving you like I always have."

"You were supposed to be my mom," January murmurs after a moment of quiet.

"What?"

"You didn't get to be the first time. Isn't this a second chance?"

Kate hesitates and busies herself with running her fingers through the blonde hair.

"I don't know what this is."

"Please be my mom," January almost stutters. "Please keep me. I only have you left. Please. Please love me."

"Oh Janny. I do love you. I do."

"Dad sent you to me. I know he did. It's what he would want, even if he didn't let me see you before."

"Listen, we're going to do everything we can," Kate starts. She's unsure that can prevent herself from making a promise she can't keep. "But I don't know what's going to happen. I hate that, and I know you need to know. I know how important it is. We want you here, Janny. That won't ever change."

The tears are quiet for the next little while as they sit together, Kate rocking back and forth, January slowly falling into an exhausted sleep. She hasn't slept through the night since it happened. The events have made the preteen unable to relax and January can't stop worrying where she'll end up. Though these matters keep her mind occupied for most of the day there is something about the way she feels with Kate, and after a while she's able to surrender to rest.

* * *

"She still asleep?" Castle asks an hour later, as Kate descends the stairs.

"Yeah. I think she needed it more than she realized."

She joins him on the couch and he lets her curl into his side, gathering her thoughts for what he's sure is going to be a serious discussion.

"I want her, Rick," Kate whispers after a moment. "I want her to stay here and live with us. I want to take her to school and soccer and art class. I want to help her when she needs me and push her when she thinks she can't do it on her own. I want to be there for everything and I want her to feel safe and loved. I don't care what I have to do to make that happen. I'll quit my job, I'll join the PTA, I'll do the bake sales and the science fairs, and I'll take every parenting class they throw at me. I can't let her go. I can't."

"I know that," Castle states in a lower voice than normal.

"I can't keep sitting here, not knowing what's going to happen to her. I don't want to wait for reports and judges and social workers."

"I think we should file for temporary custody then," Castle suggests. "It takes three to five business days. We can file for permanent at the same time. That takes up to thirty days. It's a long time but it gives us a timeframe, right?"

"What if they don't let us?"

"At least we'll know. Cross that bridge if we come to it."

"Do you want this too?"

"Yes."

Kate trembles against him and nods while he reaches for his phone, making a call and leaving a message for Ms. Whitman, asking that she call him back as soon as possible.

"Ball's rolling, at least," Castle whispers as Kate wilts against him.

"She called me mama."

"Hmm?"

"After you carried her upstairs, I was tucking her in and she woke up. She looked at me and she said "I love you mama," and then she went back to sleep. And maybe she wasn't really awake or maybe she didn't know what she was saying but it…"

"It felt right."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?"

"Because I never told you about her the way I should have."

"Kate."

"I didn't tell you how much I loved her or that it still hurt to think about her. I didn't tell you how angry I still am with myself for not figuring out a way to stay in her life."

"You know as well as I do that it's not always easy to unbury all of that. You told me enough."

"But you're my husband. You deserved to know it all. It's a big deal."

"Kate, the fact that you gave me the Cliffs Notes does not mean you love or trust me less than if you'd told me every detail. There are things I didn't tell you for a long time. Did that hurt you?"

"No, I understood."

"I understand this."

Kate sniffles and nods against his chest, grateful for the millionth time that he's so accommodating of the things she hates about herself. Castle loves her, baggage or not.

"We're a team. We're in this together and right now we need to concentrate of doing what's best for her. I think she needs you, Kate. She needs to stay here. And we need to do all we can to make that happen. Everything else, we can stick on the back burner."

"She has another family. A real one. Who am I to stand in the way of that?"

"We're not standing in the way. We're supporting what January feels safe and comfortable with. If we're wrong about that being best for her, then we're wrong. But we aren't doing this selfishly. Well, maybe not entirely."

There is a beat of silence.

"You're an amazing father," Kate starts. "And I know that you could be everything she needs. Do you think I-"

"Yes."

"I love her but is that enough?"

"It is. When you love your child, really love them, everything else comes from that. The sacrifices you make are hard but you're willing because you love them. The hours you spend worrying about them will put knots in your stomach but you do it because you love them. The times they slam their door and say they hate you, those times hurt, but you know that those words only sting because you love them so much. Kate, I already see that in you, and as much as you resist it for some unknown reasons, you already love her the way you should."

"It's scary," Kate states by way of explanation. "Being a parent is… it's massive. It's the most important thing in the world. Look at all of us. Look at the things Alexis went through because Meredith failed her. Your mother may be incredible, but she couldn't fill the space in your heart left by your dad being gone. My own dad practically abandoned me and drank his life away for years. Even though he's better now it still hurts. What if I do that to her? What if I mess up and she deals with the same things we all do?"

Castle mulls the words over in his head for several minutes. He had worried about being a father all those years ago, but he was so suddenly thrust into it that he didn't really have time to extrapolate on what a big undertaking it was. He was vaguely aware of the fact that raising a child in someway shapes the future, but for how hectic it all was, he did not have time to appreciate the enormity of that fact.

"I don't have a good answer for that. She's already hurting so much and neither one of us can reverse that, no matter how much we love her or care for her or help her. It won't go away. All we can do is give her a safe place to land when it's too hard. I could never fix the fact that Meredith wasn't here, but I could make Alexis my top priority and make sure she knew it. It doesn't make the hurt go away for her, but she doesn't live in it, does she?"

"No, she doesn't. You really think we can do that for Janny?"

"Both of us together? Absolutely. We're the dream team, after all."

Kate chuckles into his chest and reaches up to wipe away the few tears that have fallen.

"Don't forget that," Castle continues. "You have me. We're partners in it all."

"I know. I'm sorry I keep saying "I." You're here. You always have been. I don't know what I would do without you."

"You won't have to find out. No matter what, we're together."


	12. Chapter 12

"Sir? Do you have a moment?"

The captain looks up from her paperwork and motions for Kate to come into the office.

"I thought we would have had this conversation a day or two ago, Kate."

"What conversation?"

"You're coming to ask me for a leave of absence or some personal days, am I correct?"

"I… yes."

"How long do you need?"

Kate sits down carefully in the chair, chewing on her bottom lip as she does so. She had been hoping that Gates would simply lay out the options and let her pick one. She could figure it out, given the parameters.

"I don't know for sure. There's not really a leave for this kind of thing is there?"

"Nothing specific, no. You could use personal days now and take family or adoptive leave later, if the circumstances call for it."

"Adoptive leave."

Gates considers the woman before her for a moment, then leans forward to capture her attention.

"Kate."

"Yes?"

"Stop worrying about it being written all over your face. It is, but I'm only so blunt because your social worker called me this morning. I can put two and two together."

"Oh."

"Listen, you have a few more days off due to the emergency care and by then I think you'll have a better idea of where to go from here. I'll work with you, and Detectives Ryan and Esposito are more than happy to take on a little extra responsibility until you're able to be back. Worrying about this place is the last thing you need right now."

"Thank you, sir."

"Keep me informed, and we'll talk in a few days."

The words are so dismissive and Kate stands hesitantly. She came for answers and it seems she got them, just not the ones she was expecting. She had thought it would be less supportive or more demanding. But then again, Victoria Gates has been a constant surprise. "Oh, and Kate? Now might be a good time to think about pursuing Captaincy. It's hard work, but slightly more family friendly."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Please do. Now go home, we've got things handled here."

Kate nods and leaves the office and stops by her desk to tidy it up before moving to the elevator and heading downstairs. She had left January home this morning, and while she's glad the girl was comfortable enough to stay, Kate misses her. The last few days have been a roller coaster, so many good moments mixed in with bad ones, and the two of them haven't been apart for any significant amount of waking hours. She's been able to keep a close watch on January and to be there when she's needed. Some moments it's enough to exist and be a comfort to this newly orphaned child. And while Kate knows that January is old enough to stay home for an hour or two, and knows that Alexis is there if anything happens, she half-considers cancelling her lunch with Lanie to head home.

Kate knows the kind of wrath that will incur. Instead she sends a text to Alexis to make sure things are okay, then one to Castle to let him know that when he gets home from his Black Pawn meetings, they have a lot to talk about. She doesn't want him to feel left out from any of the decision making, even if they have been on the same page the entire time. They've been through many things as a couple and they have established themselves as a united front, but sometimes the reassurance is nice, and she needs him.

* * *

When Kate returns to the loft two hours later, she feels slightly raw from all the advice and tough love Lanie had hurled at her, but she's more than grateful for a best friend who tells it like it is, without apology. As much as Castle supports and challenges her, Lanie refuses to beat around the bush and will spout off hard truths no matter if they hurt to hear or not. Lanie is who she seeks out when she already knows the answer and needs a fire lit under her, and Lanie never disappoints.

She hears music coming from upstairs and finding the rest of the loft empty, she heads up there, wanting for just a moment to hold January in her arms and try to make up for the time they were apart, both past and present.

"This stuff stinks," she hears from the bathroom, followed by a chuckle.

"And you wonder why I keep stopping to breathe by the window."

"The stuff I normally use doesn't smell like this."

"This is the permanent stuff," Alexis replies. "Stronger. And nastier."

January giggles as Kate comes around the corner and peeks into the bathroom, her nose assaulted by the odor of hair dye.

"What's going on?"

The girls both freeze and look up at her guiltily.

"I uh… got tired of the purple," January explains, gesturing to her hair. It has been stripped of the colorful streaks and is being treated back to its natural state.

"And bleaching the rest isn't good if you want to grow it out," Alexis adds while giving Kate an apologetic look.

"Right. So we're… starting from scratch. Sort of."

"I see," Kate grins, leaning against the doorframe and reaching over to turn on the fan. "No need to kill brain cells while you do it."

"Window's open," they reply together, making Kate laugh.

"Alright then. Have fun."

She backs out of the room and heads downstairs to the kitchen where she grabs a glass of ice water and leans against the counter. They have an appointment with Ms. Whitman in three hours, a home study of sorts. Kate knows that this will lead to them filing for permanent custody. She's not nervous about that part, not unsure that this is what she and Castle want. But she can't help wondering about January's biological family, the aunt who desperately wants her and the uncles and cousins who want to know her. It is an amazing life she could have there. And though January has made her own opinions clear, Kate can't help but put herself in the family's shoes and can't stop feeling guilty for attempting to break their hearts. She loves that January has people who love her without knowing her but Kate can't help wishing that they didn't exist. It would make things so much easier.

The front door swings open and Castle comes through with a smile on his face as if he didn't spend the last few hours sitting between Gina and Paula as they argued about his creative wants and needs. Sometimes they seem to forget that he is not a robot, nor can he churn out story after story and still keep them interesting.

"Hey," he greets, striding into the kitchen to gather her into his arms. "I missed you."

Kate laughs and buries her face in his chest.

"I missed you too. How was-"

"Let's not talk about it. How was yours?"

"Let's go sit."

Castle takes her hand and follows her to the table where they sit, ready for a serious discussion.

"I'm going to go for captain," Kate starts, surprising him. It's not the declaration so much as this is what she is starting the conversation with.

"You are? Now?"

"Yes, now. It's time, Castle," she explains, watching as his eyes light and his smile grows. "I don't know really why I've held back. Maybe I wanted to be sure, or maybe I just needed a solid reason. It's what I want. It's what's best for our family, what would have been best months ago."

Castle nods.

"So you're not just doing this for January."

"I'm doing it for me. Which in turn means I'm doing it for you and for the girls. I don't know what's going to happen in the next month, not when it comes to everything at home at least. But making this decision helps with that unknown."

"You're going to be great," he encourages with a smile. "And if you're happy and you want this then that's what I want too."

"Do you think I'm ready?"

"I think you're more than ready, but I also think you already know that."

Kate glances down at her hands and he covers them with his own.

"I'm going to take next week off. I have personal days to use and I don't know what the next little while is going to look like, if we're going to have court dates or a home study or what. And I don't want to leave Janny here while I go to work. Not while everything is up in the air for her."

"Can you take more time later if you need to?"

"Yes, there are a few options when I get to that point."

"Nervous about our appointment later?"

"Yeah. What do you think Ms. Whitman going to say?"

"No idea. I've never done this before. Are you still taking January to see her aunt?"

"In an hour. I don't think Renee knows we're filing for custody. And I don't want to be the one to tell her."

"I suppose it'll be another wait and see."

"I keep thinking about what David would want for her. He didn't want me in her life, but would he have changed his mind because of circumstances? He didn't keep up a relationship with Jeannette's family either, but would he want her to go there? If it were you, what would you want? If you were gone, what would you want for Alexis?"

"I would want her to be somewhere she felt safe. I would want her to be with someone who would guide her and take care of her. Someone who she could trust. I'd want someone who loved her. I don't know what reason David had for never contacting you again, but I can bet it had very little to do with your relationship with January."

"Maybe."

"Stop thinking you're not right for her, Kate. If you can love her and guide her and keep her safe, that's what's important. Everything else you can learn as you go. Remember how many times you've helped me? You have parental instincts, Kate. It comes naturally, when you don't freak yourself out with titles."

Kate smiles and scoots into his arms.

"Thanks for always being in my corner."

"Our corner," he corrects.

"Yeah. Our corner. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

"How is she doing?"

Kate looks up from her coffee, startled by the question from the older woman across the table. January had excused herself to the restroom less than thirty seconds ago, and Renee clearly wastes no time in getting to the heart of the matter.

"She's grieving," Kate answers simply. "She's not hiding from it, but she's private about it."

"She doesn't talk about it?"

"Not a lot, but that's fairly normal at her age. She's eating well and she's taking time to be alone, but she's not hiding in her room all the time either. It's really too early to tell what it's going to be like for her."

"Do you have any idea what she wants as far as her future? Where she wants to live?"

Kate steeples her fingers, resting her chin on them as chews on the answer.

"We've filed for guardianship. Temporary until the judge is able to review the case. Permanent eventually."

"I see."

"It's not that we want to take her from you. But we want what's best for her, and this… it gives everyone a second option."

"You think family wouldn't be the best for her?" Renee presses in a steely tone.

"I'm not saying that. I think we can both give her what she needs. But she's asked to stay here and I won't ignore that."

"Family is always the best option. Just because we weren't allowed to know her before doesn't mean that we shouldn't be allowed to know her now."

"I wouldn't want that. I would hope that no matter where she ends up, she has both of us in her life. She needs to know where she came from, she needs to know about her mother, but she also needs to live in a place where she's comfortable. I don't know why David never let you into her life. I couldn't begin to speculate on that. I know it hurt you and I know it probably hurts more now. And that's okay, but I don't want her to grow up hearing that her father is the bad guy."

The tension is heavy but before either of them can say more, January comes back to the table, twisting her freshly colored hair between her fingers.

"What's wrong?" she asks, glancing from one woman to the other. "Kate?"

"Nothing's wrong honey."

January sinks into her chair, frowning at them before taking a sip of her coffee. She's not stupid and she's not a child. She knows that something is going on that is much more than nothing. Whatever they think they're accomplishing by not telling her has got nothing on how annoyed she is.

The conversation turns and January sits up slightly, shooting them both looks as they continue on cordially. She smiles only when Renee tells a story about her mother, or when Kate squeezes her hand under the table. It feels okay here with both of them. She feels valued (other than the fact that she's apparently not old enough to know anything), but she wants to go home. Renee is nice enough and there are hundreds of things January wants to ask her aunt, but right now she wants things that have become familiar. She wants Kate and the loft. She wants to curl up on the couch and watch a movie while Rick and Alexis make sarcastic commentary through the entire thing. Answers would be nice, but she wants a home. And if she can't have her own home and can't have her dad, Kate will do.

"Hey Janny, we should head out," Kate says after a while. "We have that appointment."

"Yeah. But I'll… we'll see you tomorrow?" January asks, looking at Renee.

"If that still works for you."

"It does," Kate replies with an easy smile. "Give me a call around ten, we'll figure something out."

Renee nods stiffly, then leans down to hug January.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay. Bye Aunt Renee."

The older woman slips from the diner and Kate drops her arm around January's shoulders, drawing her close to kiss the top of her head.

"Ready to go home?"

"Yeah, sure."

"I know you're annoyed," Kate sighs once they hit the sidewalk.

"What's going on?"

"We have different ideas about what's best for you, that's all."

"She wants me to go with her."

"Of course she does. Honey, she loves you. She's loved you your whole life, and she's never been allowed to know you. I can't imagine how much that hurts."

"Why didn't dad let me see them?"

"I don't know. He never mentioned it to me. There could be a lot of reasons though."

"I think we should respect his wishes."

"Janny," Kate sighs as the girl shrinks into her side.

"Unless he was just being selfish. Which, you know, I guess he could have been. He was selfish with you, maybe he was with them too. Maybe my dad was actually a horrible person and-"

"January Eleanor, do not talk about your dad like that."

The admonishment is harsh and January takes a slight step back.

"What?"

"You heard me. You love your dad and if you start talking badly about him, you're going to feel that every time you think about him. I don't want that for you. I want you to always love him."

"You said that your relationship wasn't always good. Was that his fault? Was he mean to you or-"

"No Janny. I loved your dad. He loved me. It wasn't always the best relationship in the world but it wasn't bad. The things we wanted and needed in life just didn't match up. Timing was off. His character had very little to do with the fact that we didn't make it work."

"You promise?"

Kate pulls her out of the way, kneels down on the concrete and looks her in the eye. She speaks succinctly, as if this is the most important thing she has ever said.

"Your dad was a good man. He loved you very, very much. He would never intentionally hurt anyone. You keep that with you, understand me?"

"Yes."

Kate offers a small smile before pulling January into her arms, holding her close and rubbing her back for several moments.

"I love you, Janny."

"I love you too."

"You'll always have me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Ready to go home?"

"Please."

* * *

A/N: Castle and Beckett WILL have a longer discussion in the next chapter, I promise. It was just too much dialogue to put at the end of this one.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Okay ladies and germalims, we're going to be going to Monday only uploads for a bit. Everything is written through chapter 19 but beta is busy and I also need to go back over things. I won't poop out on this story like I have with my others!

* * *

"She's had a long day," Castle reassures as they all watch January head upstairs to bed. It's not even nine o'clock and she's been quiet since the return from the diner, even through their interview with Ms. Whitman. It's not as if January is the most gregarious child, but she's usually good for more than sighs and shrugs.

"I know. But I feel like I should go tuck her in or something."

"Maybe give her a few minutes."

"This is hard. How do you know when to be there and when to give them space?"

"Trial and error," Castle shrugs. "And it's not the same every time. Right Pumpkin?"

"Hmm?" Alexis mumbles, looking up from her book. "Oh yeah. Definitely not the same every time."

"I'm sure she's just tired," Kate agrees with her eyes still on the top of the stairs. "And she hasn't been sleeping very well either."

"Give her some space, go check on her in twenty minutes or so," Castle concludes, putting the last of the dinner leftovers into the fridge.

"Dad's right. I mean, you wouldn't have wanted your mom glued to your side every time you were going through something, would you?"

Kate laughs at the visual and shakes her head.

"No, probably not. Speaking of which what was going on this morning with dying January's hair?"

Alexis sighs and closes her book.

"I walked by the bathroom and she had a thing of peroxide that she was going to put in her hair. I figured… I mean, I was just thinking that it was kind of like when you cut your hair when dad was gone. You needed some control over something. So I steered her away from a bad decision. Took her to the store, and helped her figure something out. Was I… should I not have done that?"

"No, Alexis, you did the right thing."

"Because I saw the look on your face when you walked in."

"That's only because I thought the same thing you did. I'm glad you were here. And that you didn't let the purple streaks turn puce."

"Any time. I was thinking though… and I know it's not my place to say, but maybe some uh… counseling would be good for her."

"You're right," Kate agrees, while trying to figure out a subtle way to reassure Alexis that her opinions are valid. "Hopefully that's something we can get for her soon."

"Too up in the air right now," Castle confirms. "Though I don't know why DCFS hasn't stepped in to offer that."

"I think they don't want to start her with a therapist only to have to go back and start over with someone else. Ms. Whitman is certain that we'll settle this soon and January can get the help she needs."

"Still seems like a lot of time to wait," Alexis frowns as her eyes snap to the top of the stairs. "Uh-oh."

"What?"

"She might have been listening."

Kate sighs and moves off of the barstool, unsure of what she's going to face when she reaches the guest room. The discussion had not been bad in any way, but she's well aware of the fact that January could take great offense to being talked about. Chickening out is not going to help the issue, so she moves down the hallway and knocks on the door.

"Janny, can I come in?"

There is no response and she carefully opens the door. January is pacing across the room and she turns on her heel pointing an accusing finger in Kate's direction.

"You think there's something wrong with me?"

"No-"

"You all do! You all think I need therapy, like I'm mental or something! You think I'm like one of those people dad would have to take to the hospital because they tried to kill themselves is that it?"

"Janny, that's not-"

"I'm sad okay? What's wrong with being sad?"

Her voice breaks on the last word and she stands there with her hands limp at her sides while her eyes brim over.

"Nothing," Kate answers, raising her voice slightly and closing the door behind her. "There is nothing wrong with being sad. We don't think there's anything wrong with you."

January is still angry but softens slightly at the reassurance, and sits down on the side of the bed.

"Honey, when something like this happens, you need someone to talk to. Someone who can be objective and help you work through what you're feeling. It's not because there is anything wrong with you at all."

"I don't want people making decisions for me."

"Okay," Kate breathes as she sits down on the end of the bed. "I understand that and I agree with you. Your opinions and feelings need to be held in a higher regard. I'm sorry we weren't doing that."

January nods gently though her eyes are still focused on the floor.

"That said, I should probably tell you that we've filed for temporary guardianship, and hopefully we can pursue permanent. But I realize now that even though you said you wanted to stay, you may change your mind."

"What is it exactly? Guardianship, I mean."

"It means that you would stay with us. That you would always have a home, that we would raise you the same way as if you were our biological child."

"But isn't that adoption?"

"They're very similar," Kate begins, wondering how to explain the very subtle difference. "Permanent guardianship can happen a lot faster, but in rare cases, it can be changed by the courts."

"But you don't want to adopt me?"

"Oh Janny, we do. We want you in our family and we want you to find a new home with us, but in this situation, we feel like adoption is something that really needs to be up to you. It doesn't mean you forget your dad, it doesn't mean you start calling me mom, and it doesn't mean you change your name. But it does give you more of an identity with us and that needs to be your decision."

"So… you'll love me and take care of me the same either way?"

"Yes."

"And I'll have a home and I won't have to forget my dad?"

"Right. We want you here and that will never change, okay?"

"Okay."

"You don't need to worry about any decisions now. Things take time."

"Do you think dad would want me to stay here?"

"I think your dad would want you to be happy and safe. He would want you to be comfortable and he would want you to be in a place where you could become the person you want to be. But I think most of all, he would want you to find those things, no matter whose home you live in."

January nods and bites at her lip before looking up.

"Can I go to bed now?"

"Of course," Kate agrees, reaching over to pull the blankets down. "We can talk more about this tomorrow."

January slips beneath the covers and Kate tucks her in carefully.

"I love you, Janny. No matter what happens, I love you."

"I know."

Kate leans over and kisses January's forehead, then finds herself being pulled down into a tight hug.

"I love you too."

Kate holds on for a moment longer than normal before letting go.

"Get some rest honey. I'll see you in the morning."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

* * *

Kate flicks the light on at two in the morning, then rolls over and shakes Castle's shoulder in such an urgent way that he almost springs out of bed in a panic.

"What? What's wrong?"

"I forgot about your meeting! You were going to tell me what happened."

"You woke me up in the middle of the night for that?"

"I didn't want you to feel forgotten."

Castle snorts out a laugh, covering his eyes against the light while Kate stares down at him like he's crazy.

"What? Why are you laughing at me?"

He shakes his head and she huffs in frustration, flopping back onto the bed.

"This isn't funny, Castle. I forgot about you."

"Hey, I forgot about me too," he admits with a grin.

"Well? What happened?"

"Paula thinks Nikki Heat is tired."

"What?!"

"She says it's been long enough and it's time to move on to the next thing. She says that as over Derrick Storm as I was, that's how done she is with Nikki Heat."

"What do you think?"

"I think Nikki and Rook have many more stories to tell," Castle answers gently, seeing that his wife is taking this news as a personal attack. "That doesn't mean I can never write anything else, but their story isn't done yet."

"What did Paula say about that?"

"Paula just wants to be right. She'll mellow with time."

"Well I don't like it. She's not a writer, she's just an agent. What does she know?"

"She knows that readers are more fickle now than they have been historically. They want the next new thing and are more likely to pick up something by an author they've never read than to go to an old standby. I understand that."

"What do you want to do?"

He shrugs sleepily.

"I want to tell the stories that people need to hear."

"What do you think people need to hear right now?"

"I don't know that yet."

"When do the she-wolves want you to know that?"

He yawns and pulls her close.

"Doesn't matter. I'm in between books right now so there's some flexibility. By contract I need to have the next Nikki Heat ready for final edits in about a year. That timetable can change, but there's not a whole lot of pressure right now. I'm not concerned with it."

"So that's it? No big deal?"

"That's why I love this job."

"And here I thought it was the money and hot chicks."

"Hot chick," Castle corrects with a smile and a kiss to the top of her head. "Anyway, there are more important things to think about right now than that."

Kate stiffens in his arms.

"I don't want to bulldoze you," she whispers as she moves slightly away. "I don't want you to feel like because I love her you have to also, or that because I want her you have no choice-"

His fingers on her lips quiet her and she meets his eyes cautiously.

"Kate I want you to listen to me because I think you know this already and I don't want to have to tell you again. I'm in this. And I'm not in it to make you happy. That little girl up there needs a family. I can't think of another one that has as much love to give her as we do. I would never say no to having another child, no matter where that child came from. Maybe she's not biologically yours but she's still a part of you. I will love her and care for her the same way you do for Alexis. No, I don't really have a choice, but it's not something that's forced. It's something I can't help."

"It's not an easy decision," Kate notes. While they had shared their opinions on the matter, they had not talked about their reasons for arriving at those conclusions and she's curious as to his thought process.

"It's not to be taken lightly," Castle concedes. "It's not always going to be easy, it's not always going to be fun, and it's not always going to make sense, but that's what parenthood is. That's what family is. I'm not hung up on should we or shouldn't we. And before you ask, yes, I am sure."

"You have no doubts?"

"No. She needs something that we can give her. I don't know if I could live with myself if I turned her away."

"Okay."

He nods and settles back into the bed, glad when she curls up next to him again.

"I don't want you to feel like a background player in this, Castle."

"I don't. I feel like I'm right beside you and we're doing this together. Yes?"

"Yes."

"Just because it's all happening fast doesn't mean it's wrong. Captain Beckett."

"I'm not captain yet. I may not ever be."

"Yes you will. For all the reasons we've talked about since you took the exam. I've known, I've simply been waiting on stubborn you to make the decision."

"Story of our lives."


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I probably don't have to say this but just in case... the thing about having answers, etc was written before the current season aired and it is not in any way a reaction to that, so I hope any reviews aren't comments on the show. That said, I'm on vacation next week and I haven't decided if I want to bring my computer, so I don't know if I'll update. If I don't, I will when I get back, so either way you will get a chapter next week!

* * *

Approval for the temporary guardianship comes two days later. No one is surprised that it was accepted and they are well aware that it has very little bearing on the things yet to come. But it's enough for now and the early morning phone call from Ms. Whitman leaves Kate feeling light and happy for the first time in days. She flits about the kitchen preparing breakfast, humming along with the music from her phone and giggling when Castle grabs her waist and starts to dance.

"Oh good Lord," Alexis sighs as they impede her quest for plates.

"Sorry Pumpkin," Castle apologizes without being the least bit sorry. The tension around the loft the last few days is not the norm, and he is overjoyed that emotions are swinging back to normal. He wants January to feel the change, to know how happy they are that she will be staying with them, at least for a while longer.

Alexis rolls her eyes and bites back a smile before she moves to set the table. Their happiness is contagious and she can't help singing along to the music under her breath. This has always been a happy home; even in the midst of heartache and turmoil, there has always been hope here. As such, she tends to take it for granted and only sees it so starkly in moments like these. She's thankful this morning, not only for the home she has but the people who are in it.

"Good morning," Alexis greets happily as January shuffles down the stairs with a yawn.

"Morning," January responds as she rubs her eyes. "What smells so good?"

"Kate made crepes and dad made chocolate sauce."

January's eyes widen and a true smile breaks across her face. It seems that the happiness has caught her too, and she settles down at the table in what has become her spot. She watches the two adults waltz lazily in the kitchen and smiles when they laugh at a private joke. It's comforting to wake up to noise and life like this and for a few moments the ache in her chest is not at the forefront of her mind.

"They're disgusting, aren't they?" Alexis whispers.

"Totally gross," January agrees.

Though they declare these things, both girls are taking in the scene before them and recognizing it not as mushy or over-the-top, but as a picture of what real love looks like.

"Okay, who's hungry?" Castle asks finally as Kate spins out of his arms to pour the coffee. "Mother, will you be joining us?"

Martha arrives at the bottom of the stairs in a whirlwind of color and Chanel, coming around the counter to pat her sons face.

"I believe I will this morning, darling. I have an appointment with my realtor in a few hours."

"Your realtor?" Alexis queries. "Gram."

"Nothing to worry about, dear. A woman has to stand on her own two feet at some point."

"On her own two feet, on her own plush carpet," Castle adds with a smile.

"Precisely. And said woman is glad that she has a granddaughter who will most likely help her decorate?"

Alexis flicks her gaze to Kate, who gives her a half-amused, half-apologetic look.

"But Gram, I'm not sure my style opinions are… uh… we can hire… well… why not Kate?"

"Katherine, you have put together your own space before," Martha muses, turning to her daughter-in-law. "That is, do you have time?"

"Oh Martha, I…" Kate trails off. She is flummoxed enough that no excuse is forthcoming. "I would love to."

Martha thanks her and begins talking about her new apartment while Kate stage-whispers something that sounds like _step-traitor_ to Alexis. Alexis wrinkles her nose and whispers _hot pink walls_ back. January watches the entire exchange with interest, suppressing a giggle when Castle catches her eye and motions that they're all crazy.

Food is soon being passed around the table and plates are piled up while the chatter floats from one subject to the next. January remains quiet but enjoys the stories and jokes, and wonders if they are always like this. It's hard to gauge their normal because at the moment, things are anything but. She hopes it's real, or at least a good representation of what it's like here, because she's determined to stay and enjoy this forever.

* * *

This is the first time January has been back in the apartment since that day, and nausea roils in her stomach as the door squeaks open. The landlord had made contact late in the morning and announced that the apartment was paid through the end of the month and they had three days to get everything out. January had panicked at the thought, not sure how she was going to pack up an entire apartment, where she was going to put everything, or where her key had gotten to. It had taken twenty minutes of Kate's reassurances before she had settled into the idea.

Her first look at the apartment throws her off entirely and she wants to turn and run out. The couch is gone as well as several squares of carpet. There is leftover fingerprint dust on everything and she feels utterly invaded.

"It's okay," Kate assures softly as she places her hand on January's back and guides her inside. "Deep breath and focus."

"Where do I start?"

"You worry about your bedroom. Rick will bring boxes up in a minute and you can pack it all up."

"Dad's stuff? What do I do with that? Do I have to get rid of things? What do I do with… I don't know, the microwave?"

"We can donate it. Don't worry about that stuff. We'll do the details later. Today, let's worry about the things you need."

January nods and shuffles into her bedroom. She stands in the doorway and surveys it all as she takes deep breaths and prepares herself for something a child should never have to do. She needs to be organized and efficient and she begins with her closet, determinedly pulling clothes out and folding them neatly. She reaches for the stereo after a while and the music helps her to find a rhythm. She's nearly done with the closet when Castle comes in and brings her some large boxes.

"Make them as heavy as you need to," he says. "We'll get it all packed and have the movers come and transport it for us."

"Where?"

"Huh?"

"Where will they take it? We don't know where I'm going to live. And I can't go through everything and decide what to do with it. I don't know. I can't carry everything with me."

"Hey," Castle starts as he reaches over to squeeze her shoulder. "You don't have to. Pack it all. I have a storage unit and we can put things in there. You can go through it when you're ready."

"You'd let me do that?"

"Of course. This is a hard thing. You shouldn't be rushed through it."

Castle is surprised when January throws herself on him for a hug. He wastes no time in leaning down to hug her tightly and he can feel some tension leave her at the contact.

"Thank you so much," she murmurs. "You don't have to do all of this."

"You deserve to have people take care of you, January. Don't forget that."

"Okay."

"Need any help in here?"

She backs away from him and surveys her room for a moment before shaking her head.

"Not right now. Thanks for the boxes."

"Holler if you need more."

He leaves the room and January jumps back into work. It could be tunnel vision or a desperate desire to leave, but she works quickly and manages to get her most important possessions into the three boxes on her floor. Her room looks bare yet messy, and she takes a few minutes to make her bed and clean off the surfaces. The rest will be easier if it's clean.

* * *

Two hours have passed since they began and January wanders into the living room, carefully avoiding all the places that hold evidence of what happened. Kate is sitting at the desk in the corner while she looks through the filing cabinet. Her brow is furrowed in concentration and January crosses the room to her.

"What are you looking for?"

"Anything that might be important," Kate answers, looking up from a file. "Your dad kept records of everything, so I made sure to grab your birth certificate and social security card. Your school records and medical stuff is all in here too. We'll need them."

January glances over at the manila folder that is filled with the aforementioned papers, which Kate isn't really looking at.

"But what are you reading?"

"It's nothing," Kate responds. "Your dad kept notes on your grandma's health, when you were in Wisconsin. I was just curious. I never knew why she was so sick."

"Cancer," January answers as she sits down on the floor. "I think. I don't remember a whole lot from when we lived there."

"Oh," Kate hums distractedly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let myself get sidetracked. How's your room coming?"

"I filled my boxes. Can we take them with us today?"

"Yes."

January tips her head to the side and watches as Kate reads. The older woman is engrossed in something and January stands up, walking over to peer at the page.

"Dad kept a journal?"

"Not really. I shouldn't be reading this, I'm sorry honey."

"No, what is it?"

"It's just in the notes about your grandma. He wrote about you and I guess I wanted to know what you were like then."

January takes the notebook from Kate's hands and leans against the wall while she skips to the last paragraph in the entry and reads it for herself.

 _It's been a month and January is still throwing herself into tantrums every night at bedtime. She refuses to change her clothes or read a book or get into bed and it's not very long before she's on the floor kicking and screaming in a way I have never seen before. She screams and cries for Kate and pounds her fists against the floor when I can't do anything about it. I wish I could say that I stick by my decisions, but I'm beginning to question them. Is this just her age, the way she responds to the situation? Or did I damage my child by taking her away from someone who has essentially been her mother for the last year? I can't call Kate and beg her to come. I know she would be on the first plane, but that is only going to please my daughter until they have to say goodbye again. I don't want January to think Kate flits in and out of our lives on a whim. Do I wait this out or go against my judgment?_

 _Mom is the one whose care commands my daytime hours, but January is who I'm worried most about, day and night. I'm losing on both fronts._

"I didn't know I was that bad," January explains after a moment. "I remember missing you and I remember crying and not wanting to go to bed because you weren't there to read to me. But I don't remember having tantrums over it."

"You probably didn't think of them as tantrums then sweetie."

"Why did dad keep us apart?"

"I'm assuming that after you adjusted things were better."

"But he could have called you. He could have at least let us talk or something."

"I know Janny. I agree and I wish it was different, but it's not."

"I love my dad, but I think I'm starting to be really mad at him too."

"That's alright," Kate concedes. "I'm pretty mad at him too."

January nods but instantly regrets revealing what should have been kept secret. Her father is dead. She can't be mad at him. That's not allowed no matter what Kate says.

"Alright, I got the tape!" Castle announces as he enters the apartment with a smile and a bag from the store. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," January answers. "I just need another box."

She takes one from the pile and drags it behind her into her room where she climbs onto her bed and lets the sobs shake her.

* * *

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Well, two questions?"

Kate pretends to think about that for a while, then nods her head.

"First, are you going to tuck me in every night?"

Kate laughs.

"Janny, if you don't want me to tuck you in then I won't but I'm pretty sure you don't mind."

"I don't," January confesses with a half-smile. "But you don't have to."

"Maybe I want to."

"Okay."

"What's your other question?"

"What do you know about my mom?"

Kate takes a deep breath and lays down next to January, then reaches over to play with the girls hair.

"I don't know very much. Your dad didn't like to talk about her. He loved her and losing her the way he did… I never wanted to push him, you know? I kind of wish I had."

"What did he tell you?"

"She came to the city when she was 18. They met and fell in love and got married and had you."

"Where did they meet?"

"I don't know."

"Did she hate her family and that's why she came here?"

"I don't know."

"Well why did she pick New York?"

"I really don't know, Janny."

"You and dad knew each other in high school. You had some of the same friends, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"Did they know my mom? Would they know anything?"

"We could try. Janny, I wish I could give you those answers. I wish I knew everything about your mom and how she came to the city and why. I just don't know."

"I asked Renee. That day we met. She gave me the same answer dad did. That mom just wanted a fresh start. When I asked why, Renee said that mom was "just at that age." That's not an answer."

"It may be the only answer Renee has."

"But if it was just a fresh start, how come Renee or any of the rest of the family never visited? Why didn't they come to the wedding or visit when I was born? Did my mom not want them here or was it my dad? Or was it them? What if they didn't really care at all, and now they're just pretending to want me?"

January is starting to become frantic in her questioning and Kate pulls her close while rubbing at her back.

"Baby, I highly doubt it's anything like that. Renee is telling you what she knows. Remember, she was out of the house and married when your mom left. She may have not been aware of what was going on. I don't know why they never came out here. That really bothers me and it is a question that is going to be asked. Janny, I hate to tell you this because it's unfair, but… your dad held a lot of those answers."

"And now he can't tell me."

"He can't."

"Every time," January starts on a hiccupping cry. "Every time I want to ask him something and I can't it's like I lose him all over again. Why didn't he tell me these things? Why did he make the decisions that he made? Was he ever going to tell me?"

"I don't know, Janny. People deal with loss in different ways. You want to talk about your dad. You don't want to forget anything, especially how much you two loved each other. It helps you to talk about him. Your dad was different. Talking about your mom really hurt. He thought about her a lot, but he was private about it. He didn't like to talk about things that affected him badly. He saw things at work that were sad and scary and made him worry about the world you were growing up in. But he didn't talk about that. Emotions were not an easy thing for your dad. He didn't keep things from you to hurt you, Janny. You have to know that."

January nods and reaches over to the side table for her photo album.

"Do you think my mom looks happy?" she asks, tipping the book so Kate can see one of the few snapshots of Jeannette.

"She does. She scrunches her nose when she smiles, just like you do."

"What if I never get answers to the questions? Should I give up?"

"No. You keep asking. But don't be so focused on finding the answers that you lose sight of everything else."

"Will you tell me things, Kate? So when I'm really, really old and you're gone, I don't have to wonder?"

"I'll tell you everything I can."

January nods and the two of them lay in silence for a few more minutes before saying goodnight. Kate closes the bedroom door behind her and leans against the wall as she breathes hard. How in the world is she ever going to bring this child any peace?


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: I've had a few people ask me about the reality of Kate and Castle getting any kind of custody. Short answers: Based on what I have read and researched, it's not entirely unheard of in a situation like this, though absolutely not the norm. My research (and tiny bit of personal experience) could be wrong but now we're in it so… In addition, just because someone is a blood relative does not mean they are prepared or entirely willing to do all they need to do to successfully raise a child, especially one who is hurting from the loss of a parent. Just because they want her does not mean their home is a good environment for her. They must be vetted with home studies, background checks, etc, just like Kate and Castle must. Blood doesn't mean a hole-in-one. However, if this doesn't sit well with you, you don't have to read it.

Shorter note, I know I have mentioned that I might do a sequel to this story. As it is right now, I don't think I can mentally handle it. I am having some anxiety in relation to this story and while I will finish it (it's almost done), I don't want to push myself into more mental distress because of feedback. Maybe someday, but it is not currently something that would be healthy for me to do.

* * *

Kate has been awake for hours by the time everyone in the loft rouses from sleep. She got out of bed around two for a glass of water and found herself tip-toeing up the stairs and pressing her hand to January's door. It hadn't been a conscious decision, but something had compelled her to peek in and make sure the small lump on the bed was still sleeping soundly. Her late night mothering had been met with soft snores, and she'd been able to back away again, leaving none the wiser.

However once Kate had reached her own bed again, her brain was fully awake, and sleep did not return, no matter how hard she tried. Unwilling to fight the bit of insomnia, she had risen just before the sun and had curled up on the couch with a book. She's still there a few hours later when her sleepy and adorably mussed husband wakes.

"You good?" Castle asks with a gravelly voice as he stretches along the couch with his head in her lap.

"I'm good. Just wasn't interested in sleep last night apparently."

"Happens," he yawns. "Any reason?"

"Janny. Nothing in particular."

"Parenting."

"I…"

"Why is it so hard for you to hear that word?"

"I don't know."

Castle nods against her legs and reaches up to find her hand.

"Want me to stop prodding and make you breakfast instead?"

"You want to go get donuts?"

He frowns.

"Making breakfast means staying in pajamas."

"Going out and getting donuts means not having to actually cook or clean up."

Kate giggles at the time it takes him to decide.

"I'll go shower," he says finally, pushing himself off the couch. "But you must have coffee ready when I get out. Deal?"

"Deal."

Kate watches him go before standing up and making her way to the kitchen. It's a rather gloomy morning for the first of July and she hopes that January's day out isn't ruined with the weather. Renee is heading back to Seattle for a few days and had requested a day with her niece, just the two of them. Kate had been hesitant initially, but realized that hesitance was coming from a very selfish place and had ultimately agreed. It's not as if Renee is going to take January away or refuse to return the girl. Though the dread that January will suddenly want to go to Seattle is sitting there in her gut, Kate knows that this connection is important and she won't squelch it.

With the coffee started, she heads upstairs and pushes January's door open. It doesn't seem that the slumbering child has moved in the last several hours and Kate smiles before perching on the side of the bed.

"Janny, time to wake up."

"Hmm?"

"Renee is going to be here in an hour."

"Why?"

"You two are spending the day together, remember?"

"What?"

January sits up and rubs at her eyes before scooting across the bed and into Kate's lap. She's always been the smallest in her class both in size and weight, and normally she hates her small stature. But there are good things about it too, and the ability to still fit into Kate's lap is the best one.

"I'm tired."

"I know. You want some donuts for breakfast?"

January shakes her head and yawns, then adjusts herself slightly and closes her eyes.

"No, you have to get up. Geez, if you're like this now, school days are going to suck."

"'m tired. Don' tease."

"I won't tease but I'm going to have to dump you on the floor if you keep trying to go back to sleep."

"You're mean."

"I know. C'mon sweetie, she'll be here in an hour."

January reluctantly slides off of Kate's lap and grumbles as she gathers clothes to wear.

"I'll meet you downstairs in a while. Don't go back to bed."

"Yeah, okay."

Kate smirks and allows a moment of worrying about the teenage years before leaving the room and moving downstairs again, where Castle is heading out for donuts, and Alexis and Martha are sharing the paper. It's all very comfortable and domestic and with every fiber of her being she wants it to always be this way.

She joins Martha and Alexis at the table and the three of them spend quite a while discussing furniture sales and the last bits and bobs Martha needs before her new apartment is what she deems livable. They're in the middle of a debate about round or square tables when there is a knock on the door.

"I lost track of time," Kate sighs, glancing at the door and then up the stairs. "Will one of you let her in while I go make sure Janny is ready?"

Alexis nods and heads for the door while Kate rushes upstairs, finding January dressed but asleep on her bed.

"Hey. Janny, wake up."

"What time is it?"

"It's time to go, honey," Kate giggles, reaching over to smooth the blonde hair.

"She's here? I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"It's alright. Are you ready to go?"

"I guess."

"What's wrong?"

"I… I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. You'll have fun though, and you can call me if you need to."

"I know. And I probably will because I'm pathetic."

"You're not pathetic," Kate counters with a hard look. "You can miss me and need me any old time you want to and anyone who says any different is an idiot."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. C'mon, I don't want to keep her waiting."

"Kate? Do I look cute?"

She laughs and draws the girl into her arms.

"You look beautiful. But you know what's better?"

"Hmm?"

"You look happy."

January is silent for a moment and a smile forms on her face before she nods.

"I think I am, at least a little."

"Good. I think your dad would be happy about that too."

January nods, then takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders and the two of them head downstairs.

The goodbyes are quick and in less than a minute, Kate finds herself standing still, staring at the door that has just closed. She doesn't know why it hurts. She doesn't know why she's worried. But above all else, she doesn't know how to start accepting the fact that little by little, she's becoming someone's mother.

* * *

Jim Beckett has never known his daughter to go into anything without a lot of planning, pros and cons lists, and a parade of what-ifs. It's not as if Kate is scared of much, and it's not that she distrusts her own instincts; she was raised in a home where every question was asked, every scenario was talked through, and nothing came out of left field.

When he was asked to lunch the day before, Jim had assumed that the news his daughter and son-in-law so obviously had for him was an announcement of his impending grandfather-hood. He had been delighted all evening and into the next morning in anticipation. He had imagined their faces, how they would come out and say it and how he would react. He had thought of all the things he would like to do for his grandchild and the things he would like to pass along. He was prepared.

And then their announcement, while still in the realm of adding to the family, was not nearly what he had expected. Had he not allowed himself to plan ahead, he would not be sitting across from his daughter and her husband, gaping at them with a blank expression. So much for the courtroom face.

"You've had enough time to think about this?" is all he can say after Kate finishes. He instantly regrets his words when Kate's face falls, and he's about to reach over for her hand in apology when Castle does it instead.

"I don't mean you're wrong, Katie. But this is a lot to take on."

"Yes," she concedes, lifting her head. "Believe me, it's not something we ever planned for. And I know it seems fast."

"We've leapt head first into what is essentially a custody battle," Castle presses on. "And we know that this is going to be harder than we're imagining. We're aware that we may lose, and we know how damaging that could be to all of us. We know that if she does stay we're taking on a very hurt child, one who is going to need a lot of help and attention. It's going to be different than an infant, different than Kate becoming Alexis' step-mother. It's not going to be easy and we might get to a point where we look at each other and wonder what we were thinking. It will probably be hard on our marriage and it could put a strain on both of our careers. But at the end of the day it's more than worth it to give that little girl a home."

Jim doesn't miss the soft, teary-eyed look that Kate graces her husband with and in that second, he understands. It may be elementary to say that love makes children, but he can see now that love sustains a child, no matter where that child originated from. The mechanics of becoming a parent through adoption are different but the basics are the same; love, family, home. Who is he, or anyone to question this?

"She needs us, dad. And I think we need her too."

"Losing her hurt you a lot more than you ever let on," Jim nods.

"It did. But I don't ever want her to think she's responsible for healing that hurt. When I say we need her, I mean that she's brought us all together as a family a lot faster than we were doing it on our own. It's not like any of us were distant or unhappy, but it's so much richer now."

"I don't know how she did it," Castle adds. "But it feels complete with her there. The loft feels full. I didn't know we were missing anything."

"I think that's normal when you become a parent," Jim notes.

For the first time, Kate doesn't emotionally flinch at the allusion of motherhood. Something about the words coming from her father make her feel safe and confident and ready to embrace it with everything she has. It's still terrifying but she wants it and will fight to get it, fight even harder to keep it. Not only for January, but for any other children that may come later.

"What can I do to help?" Jim asks, breaking into her thoughts. "Will you need a lawyer?"

"I don't know if it will be that formal. Everything is kind of murky right now. But if you would… if you could be there."

"Name the time and place Katie. I'll be early."

She nods and moves around to his side of the booth where he pulls her into a hug.

"Wherever she ends up, you'll be incredible, sweetheart. Both of you will."

"You think so?"

"I know it. And your mom would be so proud of you."

* * *

A/N: I know they waited too long to talk to Jim. That is not because of some weird character issue, that is me being a sucky writer/planner. Please keep in mind, I already know I screwed up.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: First of all, thank you for all the supportive reviews and messages on the last chapter. There was a beautiful lack of negativity which was nice, and while I do still have some anxiety about that (seriously self, what is that about?) I think I'm ready to post this.  
Secondly, I'm sorry this took so long to get up! I totally missed the boat on keeping up writing and by the time the last five chapters were ready, my beta was mega busy.  
Third, the story is officially done, save for small edits. It is what it is. The path I have chosen for it will not be changed. I don't have the time or the brain space for that. Hopefully it satisfies my readers but in the case that it does not, I apologize. I do my best with what little I have.

* * *

The last few weeks have flown by, and as the date of the guardianship hearing has approached tension has settled heavily into the loft. January has been discontent; she hasn't been sleeping well and her appetite is gone. Not knowing where she will live is doing a number on her head. She knows that she will be loved and taken care of no matter who becomes her legal parent, but she cannot get rid of the sick feeling in her stomach when she thinks about saying goodbye to Kate.

It is with no sleep that she rolls out of bed on a Wednesday morning and heads into the bathroom. January stares at her reflection in the mirror for a long time and tries to smile. The expression looks fake and only lasts a moment before she feels like a deflated balloon and slumps against the vanity. If only she could see into the future and at least have a glimpse of how her life is going to work out, maybe then she wouldn't feel like her heart is in her throat.

After pulling on clothes January leaves her the bathroom and heads for the stairs, stopping to listen to the conversations downstairs. She's never been much for eavesdropping and she knows it's wrong, but it helps her to navigate the family dynamics. She can't outright ask everyone what they're thinking or feeling and she would rather hear the truth anyway.

"Dad, you're in no state of mind to be dealing with knives," Alexis sighs. "Let me."

"Sorry Pumpkin. Today is pretty big."

"She's going to stay with us dad. She has to. I mean… she just _has_ to, right?"

There's a loud thunking noise and January resists the urge to peek around and see what's going on.

"Don't take it out on the onion, honey."

"I just think it's unfair. To make her wait this long to find out what's going to happen to her. She has an opinion and it's not like you and Kate are horrible people. Why should there even be a hearing? She belongs here and whoever thinks otherwise is a-"

Alexis' description is cut off by another thunk, but January knows it's probably better that she can't hear it.

"I know."

"I get that she has a biological family. I do. I know it's important that she knows them. And I know that family is usually given precedence in a case like this, and I know that they care for January and stuff. But what if they really send her to Seattle? What is Kate supposed to do then, go on without her? It's just not fair."

"It's not. But they have to make sure that January is in the best place possible. At the end of the day all we can do is hope that's here."

"I want today to be over. Where's Kate?"

"Trying to get a little sleep. She was up all night tossing and turning. We both were."

"Me too."

"Me three," January announces as she comes down the stairs. "Or four, I guess."

"We should have made a party out of it," Castle says as if a great opportunity passed them by. "A movie marathon."

"With a blanket fort," January adds as she tries again to smile.

"The biggest blanket fort in history."

"Tonight," Alexis nods, as if it's settled. "We'll each pick a movie and we can get pizza too."

"And hot chocolate?" January requests as her eyebrows arch in expectancy.

"Yeah, and hot chocolate. Are you in, dad?"

"I'm in."

"What are the three of you planning?" Kate questions wearily as she comes out of the bedroom and rubs at her eyes.

"Blanket fort, movies, hot chocolate, and pizza. Tonight. Be there."

"Okay but no silly string this time."

They all smile together as if tonight is a sure thing, as if tonight is going to be the first of many family evenings. But before tonight, they must face today, and today could change everything.

* * *

When January had pictured the hearing, she had assumed that it would be a long, drawn out court proceeding, with recesses for lunch, objections and shouting from lawyers, and a full audience. She did not expect that her time on the witness stand would actually be ten minutes in the judges chambers, nor did it ever cross her mind that she wouldn't be allowed into the courtroom. She's not even sure it can be called a courtroom, for as informal as this whole thing seems.

She busies herself with the technical aspects of what is going on rather than the reality of it. Behind those doors, her future is being decided. Right now, there are discussions and decisions being made about what is in her best interest. Things are being said that she cannot hear, conclusions are being drawn and she cannot comment. January did not ask for any of this to happen and she feels as if everything is just barely out of her grasp. No matter how hard she tries, she may never grab onto even an ounce of control over her life.

She stands up from the bench and begins to pace the hallway. Seattle could be fun. There are so many things to do there, new places to see and things to learn. It will be brand new. An adventure. She has a large family and she wants to get to know them. January wants to learn about her mother and see where she grew up. She wants to find out why Jeannette moved to New York and why she never returned to her home town. She would get to do that in Seattle, with Renee and so many others who want her.

January has allowed herself to think like this for the last few days, psyching herself up for the change and forcing herself to look forward to it. She knows that family courts want to keep families together and she understands the reasoning behind that. Seattle would not be the worst thing in the world. It could actually be good.

Unfortunately, every time her soul settles for a moment, the images of being torn away from Kate pop into her mind and January wants to scream and run for the hills. They lost each other once and they don't deserve to be apart. Especially now. Though January knows that no one will ever love her the way her dad did, she feels that Kate has already come so close. And it's not just that Kate loves her, it's that she loves Kate too. Seattle may be an adventure, but Kate is home.

"How are you doing?"

January startles at the voice, then turns around to offer Jim a half smile.

"I don't know," she answers. "Scared, I think."

He slides his arm around her shoulders as they stare out the window in silence. She has only one memory of Jim from years before and it was almost forgotten until she saw him again. The memory is hazy, but she recalls sitting at a dinner table and being given slices of orange chocolate when her dad and Kate weren't looking. Jim had smiled and winked conspiratorially at her while sliding the candy her way. She tried to wink back and Jim's laughter at her attempt had revealed their subterfuge. It has been a very long time since January has thought of that moment but it makes her feel warm and happy inside. She wonders if he remembers too.

"I don't know what's going to happen today," Jim begins as he squeezes her shoulder. "But I do know one thing for sure."

"What's that?"

"You are a part of our family. That doesn't change."

"Even if I go away?"

"Even if. Family is not something that can ever shrink, you know. No one ever stops being part of your family. Not when they pass away, not when they leave us. Never. Families can only get bigger. Once you're in, that's it. For life."

"Kate said that she would always love me no matter what. That she would be there when I needed her."

"She won't be the only one. If there is one thing I have learned about the Castle clan, it's that they do not let their loved ones down. And you are so loved."

"But how? Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"They don't have to love me. Why do they? I guess I know why Kate does, but… they don't have to even care about me."

"We love you because you exist. That's what families do. It's unconditional."

January bites her lip and furiously wipes at the tears that have started to travel down her face. How could she ever leave any of them? How would she even go about healing from the loss of her dad if she didn't have their love and encouragement and understanding surrounding her at all times? Can she do it without them?

"Come on, let's go sit," Jim suggests as he turns her away from the window and back down the hallway. "They shouldn't be that much longer."

"It feels like it's been years."

"I think I have five new gray hairs."

January manages a smile and slides onto the uncomfortable bench next to Alexis, who reaches over and gives her hand a squeeze. It's clear that everyone is searching for some kind of distraction but they can't come up with anything. So quietly they sit, the four of them huddled together on an old oak bench, staring at the door across the hallway. They want it to open but at the same time they want it to remain forever closed because sometimes being in limbo is easier than the truth.

"I think I'm going to be sick," January mumbles after a moment. She jumps up from the bench and hurries towards the bathroom, making it just in time. Her entire body lurches as tears stream down her face. Suddenly someone is beside her, pulling her hair back.

"It's alright darling," Martha tuts. "Deep breaths."

January nods and finally manages to control herself or at least reach up and wipe her eyes.

"Better?"

"No. But yes."

January moves to the sink and rinses her mouth, then smiles weakly when Martha hands her a peppermint candy.

"Sorry," January sighs as they leave the bathroom. "That was gross."

"Don't worry about it," Martha answers with a wave of her hand. "My stomach is nervous too."

They find their way back to the bench and endure ten more minutes of silence before the door across the hallway creaks open. The four of them stand quickly and January's heart plummets when she see the tears in Kate's eyes. She's too upset to realize that Kate is also smiling and she's pleasantly surprised when she's wrapped in a warm hug.

"You're not going anywhere," Kate whispers, holding January tight. "You're staying with us, forever."

"Forever? You promise?"

"I promise."

"I love you."

"Oh Janny, you have no idea."

They stay like that for a long time, finally breaking apart to share hugs with the rest of the family. January finds herself face to face with Castle, who can't seem to keep his expression neutral.

"You good with this?" he asks while his lips quirk up in a smile. January nods and tosses her arms around his neck while he lifts her off of the ground.

"Thank you," she breathes as she tries to hold back the tears. "For taking care of me. Thank you so much."

"We'll always be here, no matter what."

She clings for another moment before he settles her back on the floor. She's overwhelmed with happiness and relief, gratefulness and so many other things that she will spend the next few days sorting out. But in the middle of everything is a sliver of loss.

"Kate? Where's Aunt Renee?"

"She's still in there. I think she needed a minute."

"Can I go see her?"

"Of course. Want me to go with you?"

"Yes please."

January takes a deep breath and walks determinedly across the hallway, pulling the heavy door open and scanning her eyes across the room. Renee is sitting with her back to the door and January gulps hard before crossing the room to her.

"Aunt Renee?"

The older woman looks up, her expression broken. January doesn't know what to do, only that she can't fix it. She can't make everyone happy.

"Thank you for wanting me," she finally manages. The words sound so thin but they earn a smile.

"I wish things could be different," Renee admits. "I wish that somehow you could have all of us. Both of your families."

Renee's eyes flicker up to Kate, who nods and settles down next to January.

"But I can," January says. "Because families don't shrink. They only get bigger. I won't just go away, will I Kate?"

"No, never," Kate assures. "Renee, I promise you that she is never, ever going to be gone from your life. We will never cut you or the rest of your family out. I could never do that to you because I know you wouldn't do it to me if the tables were turned."

"You told me that you wanted her to have both of us."

"I do. That won't change. And I don't know what that is going to look like but we'll figure it out, all of us together."

Renee turns and pulls January into her arms.

"I will never stop loving you," she promises as January hugs her back.

"I know. I love you too."

Kate watches the exchange and allows her heart to break just a little. She's overjoyed at the outcome but the fact that there had to be a winner and a loser eats at her. There is no possible way that she herself could be as put together and gracious as Renee is right now. It would have killed her if the judge had made another choice and she's sure that Renee is going to hurt for a very long time as well. How she will make that up to the other woman, she doesn't know.

* * *

After a family lunch at Remy's and a long walk around the park, everyone is exhausted and in need of rest. January falls asleep in the car on the way home, with her head resting against the window. It is as if all the stress has left her and she's limp with relief. The pain of losing her dad is less today, now that her future is secure and for the first time in the last three weeks she looks completely content. She doesn't stir when the car stops, or when Castle reaches in to scoop her up and carry her inside. It's not until she's settled on her bed and Kate is removing her shoes that she wakes.

"Go back to sleep sweetheart."

"No I'm not tired."

"You're exhausted," Kate argues, tucking the blankets in. "I want you to take a good long nap. You need it."

"I have to obey because you're kinda my mom now huh?"

Kate chuckles and leans down to kiss January's forehead.

"I love you Janny. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Love you too," the girl whispers before rolling over and letting sleep take her over again. Kate stays for a while, staring down at January letting gratitude crash over her in waves. She doesn't know what she did right to deserve the beautiful gift of a child, of motherhood, but she's glad that someone, somewhere decided to bestow it upon her.

"How did it happen?" Alexis is asking when Kate reaches the bottom of the stairs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, the judge had to have some specific reasons for his decision right?"

"He did."

"So?"

Castle sighs and Kate crosses the room to join the two of them on the couch.

"You know that Renee and her husband Bruce had to be put through the wringer just like we did. They had the home study and the background checks. Their friends and family were asked to write letters of recommendation just like ours were. They interviewed with social workers from Seattle and here in town."

"I know. Did something come up?"

"The judge had some misgivings about their willingness to help January in whatever way possible," Castle explains. "They were asked, just like we were, about how they would take on not only the added responsibility of a child, but the extra help she's going to need emotionally. The judge didn't go into much detail, but he did tell Renee that the emotional struggles January will face over losing her father are just as real as any physical health issues she could have."

"We don't know exactly what went on," Kate continues. "But the social worker testified that Renee and Bruce have no plan in place for long term parenting, other than a roof over her head. It's not like they don't care or don't love her. They just don't seem to be aware of all that parenting her would entail."

"Laziness or ignorance?"

"Ignorance. Though, when the judge tried to delve in further, Renee basically told him that family was all January needed. And though it isn't quite as essential as the rest, they were also less than forthcoming about their financial situation. The business the family owns is going under, and Renee and Bruce's house is in the first stages of foreclosure. They're still living as if they have steady income."

"So they pretty much figured they would just walk out of the courtroom with her and they would all live happily ever after? Simply because they share some DNA."

Kate and Castle are silent and Alexis huffs her annoyance.

"But why wouldn't they want to do all they could to make sure she was happy and healthy? If they love her why not do all they can to give her what she needs? Why not show that they're getting themselves into a better financial situation? No one wants to declare bankruptcy but could they do that on the business and sell the house? It's on a lake, isn't it? I'm sure they could sell that for a lot."

"We don't know for sure. All we learned was what came up with the social workers, and in the letters from family and friends."

"Did they read them all out loud?"

"They did," Castle answers as he drops a kiss to the top of her head. "Yours was pretty amazing by the way."

"I just told the truth. How were the one's from Renee's family?"

"Scant."

"What do you mean scant?"

"A paragraph or two. They all said the same thing really, that January is family, that she would have a lot of people caring for her, and the family as a unit will provide what she needs."

"It sounds like they were asking Santa for a puppy."

"The letters didn't really help Renee's case. They're very different people," Kate agrees. "They did not have one letter from anyone outside their family. They don't have friends in the community or a church or anything. Renee is the only one who works outside their family business, but there were no letters from her co-workers at the library."

"Red flag?"

"No, not entirely. But I think they presented a very isolated life for Janny. That coupled with their lack of preparedness and their unwillingness to be flexible in what she needs probably were a big factor in the judge's decision. The fact that Bruce didn't even come out for the hearing spoke volumes. The judge also mentioned the fact that the reality of their blood relation doesn't negate the fact that to January, they are strangers. I can't really speculate on what it came down to, but he ultimately did not see Renee and Bruce being the best fit for Janny. There could be a lot more to the story, but they only share so much in a setting like that."

"So she's here for good then."

"For good."

"Alexis, how are you feeling about all of this?"

"Happy," Alexis answers with a nod. Her eyes are tired but she's otherwise beaming.

"Pumpkin, you know that today doesn't change how much we love you-"

"Dad, don't be ridiculous. I know that already."

"I just want to make sure."

She nods and curls into his side but her hand reaches out to meet Kate's, and squeezes gently.

"I can see how much you love her," Alexis begins, directing her words at Kate. "And I guess it makes me see how much you love me too."

"I do love you," Kate replies with a nod. "Very much. And I don't think I could ever thank you enough for how supportive and understanding you've been through this whole thing."

"We're a family. It's what we do."

"I know. But it still means a lot to me."

After a few moments of quiet, Alexis excuses herself upstairs to take a nap, and the two adults are left on the couch.

"We became parents today," Castle notes after a while.

"We did. Oh wow. We really did. How do you feel?"

"How do I feel? Like the luckiest man on earth. Other than that, speechless. How do you feel?"

Kate pauses and takes a moment to check in with herself. Elated, relieved, scared, grateful. They thought about this long and hard, they fought for it and now that it's here she wonders what they do next.

"I feel like… a mother."


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: A few people asked for more Castle, so I hope this was adequate. Happy Black Friday!

* * *

"My intrepid travelers return!" Castle exclaims when the front door opens one August afternoon. "Did my credit card survive?"

"It's out in the woods, foraging for berries," Kate answers, holding up an armful of bags.

"It wasn't that bad," Alexis adds as she sets her own bags down on the table and rakes her hair away from her face. "This one over here has no preference about what she wears. Or how her hair looks. Or anything."

"I care," January argues with a shrug as she climbs up onto one of the stools at the bar. "I just don't need anything new."

"That doesn't mean you can't have things," Alexis replies easily.

"Jeans are fine."

"Okay, in a week when you get bored of jeans and t-shirts, I'll take you shopping again."

January nods but knows that she will never go. The generosity of her new family is nice, but it is nothing to take advantage of. Especially not when it comes to clothes. She'd been more than grateful for the clothes Kate had insisted on, the items needed to replace worn or too-small things, but beyond that January couldn't justify more.

"You left your sketchpad out," Castle starts, leaning on the opposite side of the counter while Kate and Alexis sort through their purchases.

"I'm sorry, I should have put it away."

"No, don't worry about it. I just wanted you to know, I didn't look through it but it was open. You have a real talent."

"I do? It's just doodling."

"It's not doodling," Castle counters, sliding the book over to her. "Have you ever taken a class?"

"No. I used to get art books from the library. Dad says- dad said I could take a real class this year."

"I think you should. If you want to. This is good, January. You should be proud of yourself."

She stares down at the drawing that she had sketched out over the last few days. It's a landscape and she knows that her shading is off in some areas, but hearing him praise her work forces her to look at it differently. Is it really that good?

"You think I should take a class?"

"If it's something you love, absolutely."

She slides the sketch pad back over to him and nods gently until he begins to turn the pages. She has a few more landscapes, some still life, a couple of animal sketches and what looks like the beginnings of a cartoon or comic. All of them are excellent, especially for her age, and he wonders if anyone else has ever noticed.

"Do you ever paint?"

"Not really. I tried but it's not the same."

"Listen, I think you could really do something with this. Take a few days, decide if you want some classes and we'll go from there."

"Really?"

"Really. Anything you want to invest in, we'll figure it out."

She slides off of the stool and comes around the counter to toss her arms around him.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

A huge smile graces her features and she pulls the sketch book close to her chest, then heads for the stairs.

"Janny, don't forget your clothes," Kate reminds, handing her a small stack of jeans and t-shirts.

"Okay thanks, I'll be in my room!"

For the first time in two months she sounds almost gleeful and Kate watches her go with happy curiosity.

"Castle, what did you do?"

He shrugs.

"You know me. I learn people."

"And what did you learn?"

"I'm sure you'll find out eventually."

Kate rolls her eyes but accepts the fact that she wasn't a part of that particular moment. It's good that Castle and January can share things outside of Kate. They're all creating a family and everyone needs to have a place with everyone else.

* * *

Though Castle's praises and promises carry her through most of the day, by dinner January is quiet again. She'd been coming out of her shell more and more in the last few weeks so her non-participation in the conversation has Kate and Castle both worried. They try to prod things out of her and she smiles and answers, but mostly her eyes are on her plate and her thoughts are in another world.

January helps with the dishes and makes a flimsy excuse before heading up to her room. Kate leans on the counter and sighs while her arms cross over her chest. Castle finishes putting the leftovers away and motions towards the cheesecake that they'd picked up the day before. Kate shrugs and he closes the fridge, leaving the dessert behind.

"What do you think is bothering her?"

"January? She starts school tomorrow. Middle school. None of her friends are going to be there. She's nervous."

"Do you think that's it? She'd come right out and say that wouldn't she?"

Castle shrugs.

"You're the mom."

Her brow furrows and he smiles before pulling her into a hug.

"Why don't we go talk to her? I'm sure it's nothing major."

"What should we say?"

"We could start by asking her what's wrong."

The answer is simple of course and Kate grouses under her breath at his optimism. Sometimes when he tries to reassure her she lets her own fear of failure dictate how she reads his tone. Most of these times she comes out of it feeling stupid and thinking that he knows she can't do this. Later when things clear she knows that's not true and she's aware that she needs to listen differently, but it does cause hiccups.

"Kate, you know what to do. You've known every single day. We have to be there for her. Maybe right now she needs us and maybe she needs to be alone. There's no harm in checking."

She forces air out of her lungs and nods while pushing her own feelings of inadequacy to the side. That's something she needs to deal with later.

Castle takes her hand and pulls her up the stairs where she knocks on January's door.

"Sweetheart, can we come in?"

The permission is muffled but there, and Kate opens the door slowly. January is sitting on the bed with the photo album that has become a part of her nightly routine. Here in her own space, January looks more comfortable and open and Kate hopes that will continue for the next few minutes. They need all the help the can get.

"What's up?" January asks as she closes the photo album.

"We just wanted to check on you. You were quiet at dinner."

January shrugs and Kate sits on the bed next to her while Castle settles on the end of it. There is something so safe, so familiar and right about it all, that January can't help the words that nearly bubble out of her.

"I have to go to school tomorrow and I won't know anyone there. It's not like fifth grade was at all. It's so different with classes and teachers and bells. What if I get trampled? What if someone gives me bad directions and I end up late to class or worse, in the wrong class entirely? I don't even know how to open a locker! I'm nervous and I throw up when I get nervous and what if I throw up in front of people? I was supposed to do all of this with my friends but I can't."

"Janny, we told you that you could go to school with your friends. You said no. You said you didn't want to wake up that early and have to go clear across town every day. If you wanted-"

"I'm different now," January whispers. "So much has changed. I wasn't sure if… I didn't know if they would like me anymore. Or if I would like them. I'm not me."

"That's why you didn't want to go?"

"What if I went to the same school as them and they didn't like me anymore? Then I would be alone and I would have lost my friends. But if I go to a school with strangers, at least I can have my old friends when I get home. I can still text and stuff. They won't know I'm that different."

A silence falls on the room and hangs heavy for a moment before Castle moves, kneeling down and leaning on the side of the bed.

"You are different," he begins after making sure he has her full attention. "But you're still you. It's not a robot in there, is it?"

January smiles at that and shakes her head.

"You've been through something very hard," Kate says, picking up where her husband left off. "No one here is going to downplay that. And you have changed. But you haven't turned into something bad. Everyone changes, Janny."

"Kate and I change and grow as people all the time. And we love each other more every day. Your friends, your real friends, will help you to grow and support you when you change."

"What if they don't?"

"Sometimes it takes a bit of patience on your end," Kate suggests. "Sometimes you have to go easy on them. Because you're changing and maybe they don't understand. That's a normal thing in any relationship. It doesn't lessen your worth at all."

"I don't want them to know that I cry all the time," January confesses. "Or that I have nightmares about hearing the gun go off. I don't want them to find out how much it hurts."

"You don't have to come right out and tell them," Castle allows as he reaches up to squeeze January's hand.

"I don't?"

Kate shakes her head hard.

"You never want to lie about it, but if you're not comfortable sharing something, you don't have to. I'm sure your friends would have questions and I think they would want to listen, but you have to do what is right and comfortable for you."

"January, if you want to, we can transfer you back to the school you would have been in. If you want that we can make it happen. Kate _is_ a big scary cop, you know."

January giggles at that and shakes her head.

"No, I think I want to stay where I am."

"What if you had a few of your friends over next weekend?" Castle suggests. "A few of those you're closest to and you trust the most. And then if you want to talk about things you can, but you don't have to."

"We could do that?"

"Absolutely," Kate nods. "It's important to keep those relationships intact. New school or not, they're still a part of you."

"Listen kiddo, there is nothing wrong with being different. Different than you used to be or different than everyone else on earth. As long as you are who you want to be, and you aren't hurting anyone, it's good and we're proud of you."

Kate beams at her husband for those words. She has never felt more unified with him than she does right now and were it not for January sitting there, Kate would crawl across the bed and show Castle just how lucky she is.

"I think I feel better," January states with a little sigh. "But I still don't know how to open a locker."

Castle laughs and stands up, holding his hand out of her.

"C'mon, I can teach you to open it properly and then we'll work on opening it when you forget the combination."

"Castle," Kate laughs as January begins to follow him out of the room.

"What?"

"Don't keep her up too late, huh?"

He nods and bounds down the stairs with January on his heels.

* * *

"You were pretty amazing," Kate whispers a few hours later. She feels rather than sees the smile on Castle's face.

"Oh I know."

"Not that! Okay, not just that. I meant earlier, with Janny. You had her smiling and excited in less than ten minutes. How did you do that?"

"I didn't," Castle corrects as he reaches over to brush her hair from her face. "We did it."

"Together."

"What, did you doubt us?"

"No, not at all. I knew we could do it but I didn't know it would come so naturally."

"It might not always be that easy but tonight does bode well for our future."

She giggles and snuggles closer to him.

"When we talked about having kids, I know this wasn't what either one of us had in mind."

"No," Castle agrees. "But you know the saying. Men plan, God laughs."

"Are you happy, Castle?"

"You know the answer to that."

"I want to hear you say it."

"I'm happy. For so many reasons, but mostly because all of those reasons come home, here, every night. I love you, I love our family and I love our life, no matter what it looks like or where it takes us."

Her eyes are misty and words are escaping her but she manages to catch a few.

"How did I get so lucky?"

"You probably didn't plan it," Castle reasons with a smile as he draws his hand down her side. "Which might be a good way to go about things from now on."

"I think I'm starting to like surprises."

His grin is wicked and the words he whispers are meant for no other ears but her own.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Remember that time that I forgot I had a chapter ready to publish? That was awesome. Sorry guys! This one is one of my favorites (I don't care how cheesy the end is), hope you enjoy!

* * *

"I don't feel good," January mumbles as she turns back over in bed. "I can't go to school."

"Sick on your birthday?" Castle questions with a frown before moving to poke his head out the door. "Kate? Better come up here."

Kate is headed for the front door but detours and moves upstairs to find her husband worried and her daughter curled up in a tight ball on the bed.

"She wouldn't fake sick on her birthday would she?" Castle whispers, watching as Kate moves to the bed to check on January.

"I can't go to school," January repeats. "Please, my head hurts so bad."

"No fever," Kate deduces. "Are you nauseous or is it a cold?"

"It's everything. Can I please have some Tylenol or something?"

"I don't think we have any," Castle notes, checking his watch. "And you have to be at work, Kate."

January moans and pulls the blankets up to cover her face.

"She can stay alone until you get back with the Tylenol," Kate decides with a nod.

"Yeah, I'm eleven now," January adds from under the blankets.

"She's eleven now," Kate agrees with an amused nod. "I'll go to my meeting and be back around lunchtime. Is that okay Janny? Do you need me to stay home?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I just want to go back to sleep."

"Alright," Kate sighs, pulling the blankets back so she can kiss January's cheek. "You need me, just let me know okay? I love you."

"Love you too."

"I'll call the school on my way to work," Kate decides, standing up from the bed and leading Castle out of the room. "Are you okay with her here? You were going to write."

"I still can. Checking on her gives me a reason to get up every hour or two."

"And you have her birthday surprise today too."

"I'll figure it out. Go, you're going to be late."

Kate wavers for just a moment but decides that duty calls. She leans in and kisses Castle quickly before leaving him to the quiet loft. He still has to shower before he can leave, so he makes quick work of that, and is toweling his hair dry in ten minutes. He decides to check on January one more time, but hears crying when he starts up the stairs.

Normally, Castle's first instinct is to run towards the suffering, to soothe the pain and make them laugh again. But this morning he stands in the hallway and listens for several minutes. It's not until the sound dies down that he peeks into the room.

"Hey Janny."

The nickname that only Kate has used up to this point trips off of his tongue and January rolls over to look at him.

"I'm heading to the store for that Tylenol. Is there anything else you need?"

Her brow scrunches up and her mouth curves downward before a fresh batch of tears starts up. Castle can't stand there idly this time, and he crosses the room to kneel next to her bed and push her hair back from her face.

"You're not sick," he deduces in a whisper. "You're really, really missing your dad today."

January hiccups and nods.

"I don't know why today is worse," she confesses after sitting up against her pillows. "I miss him all the time but today it makes me feel sick. He's never missed my birthday before."

Castle _hmms_ his sympathy and rises to sit on the side of the bed.

"What kinds of things did you do with him for your birthday?"

"Nothing special. He just made sure he had the night off and we would go to dinner. The fancier the better. It was fun to get dressed up. He always said I was his favorite date."

Castle smiles at that. He's glad that January had such a good father and relieved that she allows herself to miss him and remember him. She may be young but she isn't ashamed of her emotions in most situations. Many adults struggle with that concept in some form, but here she is, barely eleven years old with her world turned upside down, accepting whatever feelings come to her.

"You know, it's okay to take a day off when it hurts like this."

"It is?"

"Of course. How you feel in your heart is as important as how physically well you are. Sometimes you need a break."

"You're not going to send me to school?"

"Not today," Castle assures with a shake of his head. He isn't entirely sure that is what Kate would do, but she isn't the only parent and it's okay to make some decisions on his own. Isn't it?

"But you're not going to stay up here and sleep all day either," he continues sternly. "Bring your homework and your sketchpad downstairs. If I have to work all day, so do you."

A small smile escapes her lips and she brushes her own tears away before hugging him tightly.

"Thank you for understanding."

"I do my best."

"I really miss my dad," she continues in a softer voice. "And I don't want to forget him. But I think that maybe it's okay… I think he would be happy that… I love you."

Castle is stunned.

"You… you do?"

"Yes," January replies simply, pulling away to look up at him. "Just like Alexis loves Kate. Because we're a family. Right?"

"Right."

"And it's okay to love you. It doesn't mean I don't love my dad. Or that you're taking his place."

"No, it doesn't."

"I guess going to counseling wasn't such a bad idea after all."

Castle chuckles and drops a kiss to the top of her head, just as he would for his own daughter.

"I love you too, kiddo."

* * *

"And you kept coming back every day?" January asks with a tip of her head and a skeptical look that she undoubtedly picked up from Kate. "Even thought she so obviously thought you were a nuisance?"

Castle chuckles and nods. The simple question of "How did you meet Kate?" had turned into an hour long rehashing of all their great adventures, and January had been entertained the entire time.

"She's hard to stay away from."

"But she was so mad! Didn't that bother you?"

"A little. But underneath that no-nonsense exterior, Kate Beckett is a fuzzy pink bunny."

January giggles.

"She would kill you for saying that."

Castle guffaws at the image of his wife chasing him around the loft, shouting that she is most definitely not a fuzzy pink bunny.

"Anyway, she let me back in. Kate may be stubborn but she knows a good thing when she sees it."

"And then you both confessed your undying love?"

"Uh… eventually."

"What?"

"That conversation took a while."

"How long is a while?"

"Almost two more years."

"Two more years? Are you nuts?"

She nearly jumps off the couch and Castle snorts with laughter. He rarely sees January so animated, and if he does, it's always when she's with Kate. He would never admit it out loud but he's glad his wife is not here right now.

"Adults are so stupid," January continues with an amused shake of her head. "Two more years. She forgave you for not calling, you proved to her that you were sorry and then what, you just acted like everything was back to normal? You two are ridiculous."

"Looking back now I see that but I'm also kind of glad it took us that long. We didn't have as much crap to sift through later."

January shakes her head in amusement.

"Well if you both worked that hard at it I know you're stuck for life."

"Oh yeah?"

"Of course. Why would either one of you ever give up now? I mean, you may be stupid but you're not that stupid."

"Thank you, I think."

"Okay so then you finally came to your senses and got married?"

"Well…"

"Oh brother, how long did _that_ take you?"

Her expression is accusatory and he bites back a smile at the hand she places on her hip. Every woman in his family is a force to be reckoned with and he shouldn't be surprised that January is heading in that direction as well.

"Hey now, we were only together a year before I asked."

"Small miracles," January sighs with a smile.

"Lots and lots of them," Castle agrees. He hasn't told January everything and has completely bypassed the nitty-gritty of how they got here, but he can tell by the look on her face that he's hit the important parts. She seems settled, more than she has before. She's starting to not only love them, but accept their love for her, as she watches and learns how they all love each other. It's a long process but an enjoyable one, and Castle has no problems with January taking her time to find her place.

"Hey dad," Alexis greets as she walks into the room. "There's someone here to- oh, hey Jans."

"Hi."

"Why aren't you at school?"

January looks to Castle for an explanation.

"She's taking a mental health day."

"Oh, okay. Anyway, there's someone here to uh… you know… with the thing?"

He nods and stands from his desk, then heads out into the other room to greet the visitors.

"What's that about?"

"Oh nothing," Alexis answers easily, dropping down onto the couch next to January. "Happy birthday by the way. Sorry I wasn't here this morning, I had an early class."

"It's okay. Was it boring?"

"Everything is boring at seven thirty in the morning."

"Do you have to go back?"

"I have a class at two but I'll be back in time for all the birthday stuff tonight."

"You don't have to. It's Friday night and I know you have friends and stuff."

"Maybe but it's my sister's birthday. I'm not going to miss that."

January smiles in contentment.

"So is everything okay?" Alexis asks as she puts her arm around the younger girl. "School is alright?"

"I guess. Today was hard and I didn't want to go. I couldn't go really. I miss my dad."

"And you couldn't stop crying?" Alexis guesses.

"Yeah."

"It's good you stayed home. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do hard things, but other times it's more important to take care of ourselves. Today was probably one of those times."

"Have you had to do that before?"

"Yes. I've obviously never been through what you have, but there have been times I've needed a day off to regroup. And I felt pathetic for it, you know? Like I should be able to handle it. Then Kate explained to me that I was handling it, just differently than I thought I should."

"Is that how you know she loves you?"

"Hmm?"

"When Kate gives you advice and stuff, is that how you know she loves you?"

"Partly," Alexis answers with a shrug. "But it's not the only thing. Why?"

"Just wondering."

They sit quietly for a moment before Alexis takes a breath and begins.

"I know Kate loves me because she's always there if I need her. Because she's not afraid to argue with me when I'm wrong and stand behind me when I'm right. I know because she'll stay up until two in the morning to help me study or decide on schools or talk to me about one of my classes. I know because she looks me in the eye and tells me she loves me like it's the most important thing she will ever tell me. I know because she loves my dad so much and always supports and encourages him. There are a lot of reasons, but mostly? I know because she does her best to make sure she comes home to us every single night."

"I like that," January says with a yawn. "It doesn't matter that you're not hers, does it? Family isn't about who was born to who."

"Not always," Alexis agrees. "And I'm really glad it's not because then we wouldn't have you, and that would totally suck."

"I love you."

"I love you too Jans. Happy birthday."

* * *

January lets out a grumbly sigh and turns away from her bedroom.

"But why can't I go in there?"

"Because," Kate answers, hugging January from behind and kissing her temple. "Your birthday present is in there."

"Why can't I just open it downstairs?"

"It's not wrapped."

"What?"

"Trust me, baby girl."

"I'm _eleven_."

"Too bad. I'm calling you that forever."

January loves it but pretends to hate it anyway, and sighs loudly.

"Fine."

"Fine," Kate mimics as they amble down the stairs and to the couch. She settles into the corner of the couch then pulls January down next to her, wrapping her arms around the girl tightly.

"You know, this is the very first birthday I've been able to spend with you."

"I know."

"Do you remember the first time we met?"

"Uh… no, actually. I was so little."

"It was almost eight years ago. Your dad and I hadn't been seeing each other for very long and he wanted us to meet. I was nervous. I paced across the precinct all day. Walked home because I couldn't stay still. Then I called Lanie and spent ten minutes telling her how nervous I was and how horrible it would be if you hated me and then I realized I was late."

January giggles and snuggles in closer.

"It was a big deal. I wanted to make a good impression. I ended up making it on time and I remember knocking on your door and wondering if I had enough time to bail."

"You wanted to bail?"

"You were the most important thing in your dads life. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or unhappy or anything like that. It was scary."

"But you didn't bail."

"I didn't. And you know what? It wasn't scary at all. You were sitting on the kitchen counter with an apron on and you had this toy bowl and spoon in your lap. Your dad introduced us and you said "Okay daddy but I am making food now." Didn't phase you at all."

"Did I love you right away?"

"Oh, I don't know about that, but you gave me a hug when you went to bed that night. The next time you wanted me to help your dad tuck you in and the time after that you just wanted me."

"Was that part scary?"

"A little. Oh but I couldn't say no to you. You were so sweet and you just made me a part of your life, like I was always meant to be with you."

"You were," January whispers, wrapping her arms around Kate's middle. "And I was always meant to be with you."

"I think so too."

January sniffles and pulls her legs up onto the couch so she's almost in Kate's lap.

"I love you, mama."

"Oh Janny. I love you too. So very much."

They stay like that for a while, both of them aware of how things have shifted with just that one word, that one name. It's something they both vow to carry with them forever.

"Okay, who's ready for presents?" Castle exclaims, having finished with the dishes in the kitchen. If he notices the tears in their eyes he doesn't call attention to it, instead holding his hands out and pulling them off the couch. "Alexis, all set?"

"All set!" she affirms from upstairs.

"You people need to dial it back a notch," January jokes as they pull her excitedly down the hallway.

"You're going to love this."

"Okay…"

Kate's hands clap over January's eyes as the bedroom door is opened.

"Seriously?" the girl huffs, even though curiosity is building in her chest.

"Ready?"

"Yes."

Her eyes are uncovered and her jaw drops at the transformation that has taken place. Though January had started to make the space her own, Castle had insisted that it needed a complete overhaul. The two of them had poured over magazines and online stores, picking out everything from the paint, to the light fixtures, to the curtain tie-backs. They had made it as far as painting the room a light, dusty purple before almost everything they picked out was either on back order or discontinued.

But now, here it all is. Every little piece she wanted, all the things that had given her the feeling of home and peace. Somehow, they had put it all together, leaving her none the wiser.

"How did you do this?" January manages after a moment. She turns to face the three of them, her expression still one of surprise.

"Hired some people," Kate answers first.

"Snuck them in here to put it together while you were downstairs," Castle adds.

"Put the last touches on by locking you out," Alexis finishes with a smile.

"So this… it wasn't really on backorder?"

"Nope."

"You planned this all along?"

"Yep."

"For me?"

"Of course for you."

January is about to say more when she notices something on the shelf that doesn't exactly fit with the theme of the room. She surges quickly towards it and has no shame when her eyes mist up in recognition. All of her dad's commendations are displayed on the shelf; a small plaque he was given after saving the lives of two small children in a car accident, a medal from the state of New York for his efforts in improving the first respondent system, and the patch he had worn so proudly on his uniform when he himself became a first responder so many years before. Alongside these things sits a picture of David and January together, laughing at something out of the frame.

"We wanted you to know that you're a very special part of the family," Kate explains, suddenly uncertain that this gesture was the right thing.

"And that means that your dad is too," Castle continues. "We don't want you to ever forget him, or think that his memory isn't welcome here."

January turns to face them, half crying and half laughing when she's pulled into a hug by three different sets of arms. They love her. They really and truly love and want her, the same way her dad always did.

She doesn't know how and she doesn't know where but she's certain that her father is with her now, and he's smiling.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Because this hiatus is so long and because I haven't posted in a timely fashion and because I CAN, I am going to go ahead and post the last two chapters right now. Enjoy!

* * *

"Hey kid, slow down," Castle chuckles as January speeds down the hallway to the elevators. "She's not going anywhere."

"Maybe you should speed up in case she does!" January replies while repeatedly hitting the up button.

"Have a little patience for an old man, huh?"

January laughs and readjusts her backpack over one shoulder, report card clutched in her hand.

"C'mon, c'mon," she mutters, lifting her gaze to see how many floors are left until the elevator arrives at their stop. The ding is almost unexpected and she nearly flies into the car, then holds the door for Castle.

"Dude you are _slow_ ," she complains while he rolls his eyes and hits the button for the proper floor.

"That's because I'm old."

"Really old," January finishes with a wide smile.

"And you're so young. And short."

"Yep. I'm a dodge-ball ninja. You're jealous."

Castle laughs and reaches over to squeeze her shoulder.

"Kid, you're something else, you know that?"

"Absolutely."

The elevator stops and January dashes off, into the bullpen.

"Yo Squirt," Esposito greets from his desk. "What's up?"

"Nothing much, where's Ka- my mom?"

"Break room."

January is halfway there when Kate exits with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"Mom, guess what! C'mon, guess! Hurry up! It's good news, guess!"

"Take a breath," Kate laughs, and sets the coffee down on the corner of Ryan's desk. "What's going on?"

"I told you to guess!"

Kate's gaze flicks up to Castle who shrugs.

"She said she wanted to tell us together, even though she's bursting at the seams."

"Okay Janny, I give. What is it?"

"I'm passing math!" January announces with a little squeal, holding out the report card. "Look, it's not even a D passing, it's a C! I have a C in math!"

She spins in a circle and lets her backpack drop to the ground before moving to Kate's side to look over the paper.

"I'm not failing anymore," January states. "And my other grades didn't suffer. Science went up too, after Rick helped me with that project. I did it!"

Kate wastes no time in gathering her daughter into her arms.

"Janny, I'm so proud of you."

"Really?"

"You have no idea how much. You worked so hard and you didn't give up."

"And you didn't whine or complain," Castle adds as he kneels down to see January better. "You decided what you wanted and you went for it. That's some strong stuff you're made of, kiddo."

January smiles and accepts the hug he offers.

"I say this calls for special dessert and a movie of your choice after dinner."

"Really? Can I pick anything at all in the world and you won't even make a face?"

"Of course."

"Good. I'll think about it."

"Wait, we just watched-"

January puts her hand over his mouth and shakes her head.

"You said anything."

He groans in resignation and Kate laughs.

"That's my girl."

"Mama, can you come home with us? Or are you going to be here until forever o'clock?"

"A few more hours sweetie. Aren't you two going to plan our Thanksgiving menu?"

"Yes, that's right," Castle nods. "Hop-to Janny, we have work to do."

"Okay but…"

She pauses for a moment before launching herself into Kate's arms and holding on tight.

"Think my dad is proud of me?"

"More than proud, Janny."

"I wish I could tell him."

"I do too. But I think he knows, at least."

"I love you."

"I love you too baby girl. And I'm so proud of you."

"You'll be home for dinner, for sure?"

"For sure. Just a few more hours."

* * *

True to her word, Kate arrives home a few hours later, to find the rest of her family at the table with papers and books stacked everywhere.

"What's going on?"

"We're working," Castle explains.

"I thought you were making the Thanksgiving menu."

"We got distracted," January shrugs. "We started talking about comic books and then we decided to write one."

"A comic book?"

"Or a kids book. We haven't decided yet."

"Well what's it going to be about?" Kate asks as she hangs her coat up, then crosses to the table where she greets both girls with a kiss to the tops of their heads.

"We don't know yet, we're just brainstorming."

"Storming is right," Kate chuckles as she looks at the mess.

"Hey, when I first sat down to write Nikki Heat, I had no idea what it was going to be about."

"Lex, you couldn't stop this?"

"I got sucked into the vortex," Alexis shrugs.

"Well okay but could you guys at least pick up the paper from the floor?"

"Yeah okay mom," Castle sighs as he leans over to clean up. Kate swats at him but misses and the girls giggle.

"I'll help you with dinner," Alexis offers as she stands from the table and carefully tidies her space.

"Thanks. Do you have classes tomorrow?"

"Nope, I'm done for the weekend. Why?"

"I thought us girls could go out for lunch."

"Yeah, that would be nice."

"We'll let your dad do the Thanksgiving shopping."

Alexis nods and pulls some chicken out of the fridge before glancing up at her step-mother with a curious expression.

"What?"

"My mom called me yesterday. She said she's going to be in town for Christmas."

"That's good. I know you haven't seen her since… wow, has it really been three years?"

"She's busy," Alexis defends half-heartedly.

"I know that sweetie. Time flies, that's all."

The comment is met with a sarcastic huff and Kate takes Alexis' shoulders in her hands, turning her around so they're face to face.

"Spill it."

"She never takes my calls," Alexis starts. "Even when I leave a message telling her it's important. She'll text back a day later and say she can't talk right now and she'll call when she can. She never does. I used to get upset about it and let it bother me for days but now it's annoying. Christmas is a big deal here and she knows that. And now things have changed and she wants to come and inspect or something. It's stupid. I shouldn't be irritated because at least she wants to see me but I kind of wish I had ignored her call this time."

Kate chews on her lip as she mulls everything over.

"Am I a bad person if I tell her not to come?"

"No. I don't think that's necessarily what you should do, but I don't think it makes you a bad person if you do."

"Well then what do I tell her?"

"The truth. I don't think you ever have before, have you?"

Alexis' eyes fall to the floor and she shakes her head.

"I don't want to hurt her feelings."

"What about yours?"

"I don't want her to ruin Christmas for Janny. Or any of us for that matter."

"Tell her that. Maybe not the ruining part but let her know what you want and offer a compromise."

"New Years? She might go for that. You guys will be in Seattle anyway so I won't feel like I'm missing out by being with her."

"See, crisis averted. Sort of."

"Sort of," Alexis agrees with a smile. She shakes her head slightly then pulls Kate into a hug. "Thanks."

"You're welcome sweetie. And thank you for thinking about Janny. You're pretty amazing at this protective big sister thing."

"Yeah, I guess I love her a little."

* * *

"Castle, she's going to kill you," Kate remarks with a smile as her husband winds copious amounts of packing tape around a box. "No one comes to Christmas armed with a box knife."

"Mother is not too old to learn."

"But did the fourth box in need duct tape?"

"It makes the magic last!"

Kate laughs and pictures Martha finally managing to get through all of the secure boxes just to find a pair of earrings. It may end badly but Martha Rodgers never disappoints her audience.

"Oh, I was talking to Janny about Christmas tonight when we were doing the dishes," Castle starts as he decides on wrapping paper. "I asked her if there were any traditions that she and her dad had that she wanted to do this year."

"What did she say?"

"He always took her to look at Christmas lights in White Plains. She said there's an entire neighborhood up there that hosts a drive-thru show of some kind. They'd take hot chocolate and make a night of it."

"That sounds fun."

"She asked if we could invite your dad and my mom too. We'll have to find a night everyone is free, but I know they'd drop everything to make her happy."

"They would."

"Everything alright?"

Kate nods and finishes wrapping a book for her dad.

"I worry a lot that Janny will cope the same way I did when I lost my mom. That she'll close off from people or she'll avoid holidays, or whatever other self-destructive coping mechanism she stumbles across. But she doesn't. I know she's sad and she misses him. I know she has nightmares and she as times where she blames herself, but she doesn't hide any of that. I'm proud of her. She's not afraid."

"I think a lot of that has to do with you."

"No. Both of us. I can guide her in certain ways, but Castle, you are so good for her. You bring out her creative side so well. You show her that you love her and care about her all the time. You've taught me so much about being a parent, and you've taught her what it means to make a family. I don't know what either one of us would do without you."

"You remember at the hearing, what the judge said about Renee?"

Kate nods.

"I hate to think what life would be like if she had ended up with them," Castle continues. "I don't doubt that they love her, but I don't think it would have been a good situation."

"I don't either."

"Do you think she's happy here with us?"

"I do. I know it's hard for her, but she's as happy as she can be. I just hope that we're doing things right. That when things get hard, because they will, that she knows we're here and that we can figure out how to help her."

"Waiting for the other shoe to drop?"

"Kind of. The honeymoon phase is nice, but she's been through a lot and I don't think it's always going to be this calm."

"What do you think is going to happen?"

Kate shrugs.

"She seems healthy. She talks about how she feels, she doesn't ever hide the fact that she misses her dad. She lets herself be angry and sad, and she seems to be comfortable with being happy too. I feel like she's doing well, but I don't know for sure."

"I was thinking, maybe you and I should see if January's doctor can take us for a session or two. Just to get some advice on how to help her. Signs to watch out for. You know, preventative stuff."

"That's a good idea."

"We'll call next week."

Kate nods and finishes off the last present before starting to gather the scraps of wrapping paper from the floor. She never doubts their ability to be good parents to January or to keep their own marriage healthy during a family crisis. She knows that in the end, things will be alright. That knowledge doesn't stop her from worrying on occasion. But as Castle has assured her time and time again, that is the reality of parenting.

"So then, what do you want for Christmas?"

Kate looks up with a smile and shakes her head.

"I can't think of anything."

"Oh come on. There has to be a new coat or pair of boots you've had your eye on."

"I want to go on a family road trip this summer."

"Huh?"

The idea is barely forming in her mind as she spits out the words, but she is absolutely certain that this is what she wants.

"I want to get a map and plan a road trip. And we can all pick a few things that we really want to do. And we'll stay in small hotels and we'll take backroads and we'll spend time together and do things we wouldn't have done otherwise. That's what I want for Christmas."

Castle's laughter is loud as he tackles her onto the bed with an enthusiastic hug.

"You should know not to throw a big idea out there for me to play with."

"Oh, that's exactly why I did. You're a no holds barred kind of guy and I think that is precisely what we need."

"Finally a worthwhile use for my hyperactivity."

"Oh I don't know Castle. I think I have a few more uses for that than you realize."


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: This is the very last chapter. And it is quite possibly my favorite thing I have ever written.

* * *

"Girls!" Castle calls up the stairs as he checks his watch. "Stop taking selfies and get down here!"

"But we look cute!" Alexis defends as she heads down the stairs with January on her heels. They're wearing matching winter coats and hats and though they do look adorable, Castle is sure they're both going to overheat in the car.

"Yeah, you can't look this good and not take a selfie," January adds as she jumps over the last three steps. "It's a rule."

"If that's really a rule then the two of you are going to be spending the rest of your lives with your phones in your face."

"Ew, don't be sappy."

"Yeah, don't be sappy."

Castle rolls his eyes amusedly and pulls them both into a hug.

"Deal with it."

"Fine. Where's mom?"

"She just got home and went to change. Go pound on the door and tell her to hurry up."

"Mom!" January hollers as she runs across the room, through the study and to the bedroom door. "Are you coming or what?"

With a laugh, Kate swings the door open and pulls January into her arms.

"Of course I'm coming, goofball. How was your day?"

"Big fat yawn," January reports as the two of them make their way back across the loft.

"Terrible, and you have two weeks of break left. Remind me to make you a chore list, that should keep you entertained."

"No, anything but that!"

"Yes, I think we'll start with scrubbing the baseboards, washing the china-"

"And calling me Cinderella?"

"Okay, I'm just teasing. But we are going to make a bucket list of things to do."

"I'll help," Castle offers. "I'm great at making bucket lists."

Kate smirks but the small joke is lost on the girls, who are pulling their shoes on by the door.

"Are we picking gram up on the way?"

"No, she called and said her last rehearsal is running late."

"Oh. What about your dad, Kate?"

"We'll pick him up on the way out of town, but he wants to be back early because he has court in the morning. The old fart."

January giggles.

"We'd better go then," Castle notes as he checks the time. "Pumpkin, you want to grab the hot chocolate?"

"I'll get the blankets," January offers.

"Blankets? Do you realize there is a heater in the car?"

"It's cozier this way. That's how dad always does it. I mean, how he always did it."

Her face falls and Castle internally kicks himself. With all the teasing they do, he oftentimes forgets that some things are touchier subjects than others.

"Blankets it is," he recovers, giving her a smile. "There's a fluffy blue one in the basket by the couch. Make sure you grab that one."

"Okay."

January moves to retrieve the blankets and Castle turns to Kate, who is helping Alexis with the commuter mugs but watching him. He shrugs and she shakes her head. Something to discuss later.

"C'mon Jans, I'll race you to the car!"

"Not fair!" January pouts, indicating the pile of blankets in her arms.

"Okay fine-"

January tosses the blankets at Kate and takes off out the front door, while Alexis yelps and trails after her. In the hallway the elevator bell dings and Alexis groans before pounding down the stairs.

"Sibling rivalry," Castle chuckles as he picks up one of the blankets. "No sound sweeter, huh?"

Kate giggles and nods as they gather the rest of their things and head down to the car, where the girls are chattering in the back seat.

"Can we stop at Remy's on the way?" Alexis asks when Castle starts the car. "We decided that we need fries."

"Uh… I think I'll defer to the wife on that one."

"Am I supposed to say something about spoiling their dinner?" Kate questions with a wrinkle in her nose.

"I think so. I've always been a yes man, myself."

"Fries it is."

* * *

Warmly stuffed into the back seat between Alexis and Jim, January stares out the front window at the Christmas light displays and allows herself think about last year. It had been a colder night than normal and the roads were icy. Despite the less than ideal conditions January and her father had embarked on their annual visit to the lights. She remembers sitting in the front seat and cuddling into the big quilt while her dad softly crooned along to Bing Crosby's holiday hits. She had felt so safe and content and had deeply appreciated the sentiment of "heavenly peace." It had made such an impact that at times of frustration or anger in the last year, she pulled that night up in her mind. Things seemed to settle if she dwelt on the feel of the heater on her face and her father's hand in hers.

Losing him has pushed that feeling out of her heart and at times she has wondered where it went and if she will ever get it back. Occasionally she has felt a glimmer of it again, but it is always tinged with sadness. Kate says it's normal to feel two conflicting things at one time and the important part is that she is feeling at all. But January isn't so sure that the aching sorrow really ever shares a place with anything else. She is able to jump right in to life and she can almost convince herself that she's happy, but when the lights turn out and the day ends, the loss blooms within her chest once more.

January knows that the sadness will always be there, and she knows that no matter how much she is loved, nothing will replace her dad. She knows that she can love her new family without betraying him. However, knowing and accepting are two different things, or so she has learned in therapy. She works hard to bond with them because that will help and she knows her dad would want her to be happy and well adjusted. She does it for him more than anything, but as she's recently discovered, doing it for herself is important as well.

Laughter jerks January out of her thoughts and though she has missed the joke, she laughs along with the rest of them. It feels better to do that, and she leans as far forward as she can and taps Kate's shoulder. Kate turns to look at her with a smile and suddenly that feeling is back. Home and safety, contentment and peace. It's not exactly the same as it was before and it never would be a perfect duplication, but right now, that's more than okay.

"Janny, why don't you unbuckle yourself and come sit up here on the console?" Castle suggests as the car in front of them slows more.

"Can I? Mom?"

"We're barely moving," Kate says with a nod. "C'mon."

January obeys and is soon leaning against the dashboard with her chin propped up on her arms. After a moment she feels Kate's fingers creep up her back and twist gently through her hair, and she turns to give her mother a smile.

"It's magical isn't it, mom? How the lights look like they're dancing. I know it's a computer program or timers or something but it's almost like… you could imagine they're alive, couldn't you?"

"Sure could, baby girl."

* * *

Kate slowly pours a cup of coffee and looks at the clock. It's early and she'll be back before dinnertime, but the mere thought of going in to work on Christmas eve is definitely taking her mood down. It's not like she will miss any of the festivities, but she wants to have time with her family, eventful or not. Gates was right, Captaincy is proving to be much more family friendly, but it still comes with sacrifices.

"We're not going to do anything fun," Castle assures as he finishes packing a lunch. "I promise."

"Right, like the three of you are going to spend your day doing absolutely nothing at all."

"That's right."

"Are you sure?"

"Kate, we don't want to do any fun family stuff without you."

"I know. But Christmas is… she's…"

"I hear you. It'll be okay. You'll be home soon."

"I'm just going to go up and check on her before I leave."

He shoos her towards the stairs and Kate makes her way up them, tiptoeing down the hallway and pushing January's door open. The bed has been slept in but there is no sign of the girl, so she turns and moves across the hallway. The door is cracked open and she pushes carefully on it to find both girls curled up in Alexis' bed while the DVD menu plays over and over again on the flatscreen.

"She had a bad dream," Alexis explains in a sleepy voice as she cracks one eye open.

"Really bad?"

"I think it just woke her up. Should I have sent her to you?"

"Not if she felt okay with you."

"Are you leaving?"

"Yeah, I'll be back before it gets late."

Kate leans down and presses a kiss to January's cheek, then stretches further and drops a kiss to Alexis' head. It's a gesture that she had never pictured herself doing, but the last few months especially have made it almost second nature.

"Love you," Alexis yawns. Apparently the familial affection has become normal for her as well.

"Love you too. Sleep in for a few more hours okay?"

"Yeah."

Kate slips from the room with a smile on her face. Though she doesn't want to leave, she is overjoyed that she has such a wonderful family waiting for her when she comes back.

* * *

Upon returning home, Kate had kicked her shoes off and stretched out on the couch with a tired sigh. It was less than a minute before January had joined her and cuddled up with no intentions of moving any time soon. They are used to being apart during the day, but they both cling to each other when the separation is over. Kate worries about it occasionally, that their attachment to each other could be detrimental in the long run. But Dr. Burke has assured that it's normal for the present, and will more than likely wane with time. The closeness is part of building trust, along with adding to the bond that they share, and Kate is grateful they are not getting to that place with a trial by fire.

"Was it a lot of paperwork?"

"Not a lot. I mostly reviewed all of our current cases to see if anything is being missed."

"That sounds boring."

"It's not so bad."

"Do you love your job?"

"I do," Kate answers with a nod. "I love helping people. I love teaching people too. And I love that I get to use my brain so much."

"When get older, I hope I can find a job that I love."

"You will."

"Do I have to go to college?"

"That depends. I would love for you to, but you have to decide what you want out of life. Let's say you pursue art. You may not feel the need to go to college for that, but you might want to go ahead and get a business degree of some kind, so you can learn how to manage whatever career you make out of that. College is a good idea in a lot of ways, but there are people who are happy and successful without it."

"I don't want to be stressed out about it like Alexis is. I don't want to stay up until two in the morning studying. I wouldn't remember stuff if I was that tired."

"I know. But that's what works for her. You're different than she is. Don't measure yourself by other people, Janny."

"Okay. Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"I called Aunt Renee earlier. And she said she's excited for us to go out there to visit. She said she wants to show me where my mom grew up and she wants me to meet all my uncles and aunts and cousins. And I… why did the judge let me stay here? Why didn't he send me with her? Is there something wrong with them?"

"No, there's not."

"Then why?"

"There were a lot of things that the judge felt you needed that Renee and Bruce couldn't provide for you."

"Oh. Like how… dad said I couldn't get a hamster until I was responsible enough to take care of it, and I had to put aside allowance money to help pay for it?"

"Well you're not a hamster, but the idea is somewhat similar."

"It's not because they don't want me or they would be awful to me. It's because I wouldn't have everything I need?"

"More or less."

January contemplates that for a moment, nuzzling closer to Kate's side.

"I told Renee that I was taking a break from counseling for Christmas and I was going to go back after I visit her. And she said that I seem fine and I probably don't need it anymore. I didn't argue with her because I didn't want to make her mad. But she doesn't know how much I like going. It makes me feel better. Even sometimes I just sit and cry the whole time, I still feel better when I leave. And I don't feel like I'm making you or Rick or Alexis sad. I go in by myself but when I sit down I always feel like my dad is with me. And when Renee acted like it was a waste of time, it made me feel sick inside."

"I'm sorry."

"Alexis said that maybe Renee didn't mean it that way. That maybe she was trying to encourage me by telling me I sound happier or something. I've been trying to believe that instead, but it still hurts."

"It's okay to be hurt, even if she meant what she said nicely."

"I don't want to be mad at her. But sometimes she says things that make me… never mind, it's not important."

"It's important to me."

"She always asks if I'm happy here. She sounds disappointed when I say yes. But… am I just sensitive?"

"If it makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell her. Just because you live here does not mean that she's not a part of your life. She's your aunt and she loves you, even if you don't live with her. Honesty may hurt, but it will make your relationship better in the long run."

January sighs.

"Maybe I'll talk to her when we go out there."

"You let me know if you want me there when you do."

"Thank you."

Castle bounds into the room with a smile, his arms full of brightly wrapped packages.

"So did we decide? Dinner or presents first?"

"Presents!" Kate declares as she carefully sits up. "Since when was this a question?"

Castle shrugs and parks himself on the floor by the tree where he begins arranging presents into smaller piles for each person.

"Mother and Jim should be here any minute," he begins after checking his watch. "Janny, can you run up and get Alexis?"

January nods and dashes off while Kate moves off of the couch and onto the floor next to her husband.

"Think Janny will be okay with this?" Castle asks, indicating one of the wrapped boxes. "I don't want her to be overwhelmed."

"I think she would be no matter when we gave it to her. Maybe we should wait until tomorrow when it's just the four of us? That might be easier on her."

"Maybe. Play it by ear?"

"Yeah. It might be nice for her to have it when everyone is here too. Yeah, let's play it by ear."

Castle nods and gets up to move the gift into the study just before the girls tromp down the stairs excitedly.

"Wait! No one is in Christmas pajamas!"

"It's barely six o'clock," Alexis protests half heartedly, though Castle is motioning for the girls to go back upstairs and change. "Dad, don't make us."

"Sorry Pumpkin. Beckett family tradition. In this house, we honor all."

"Do we _have_ to wear the matching stocking caps?"

"That's the best part," Kate grins. "C'mon Alexis, it's not like you'll be dressed up alone. This is nothing like that one Thanksgiving."

Alexis tries to bite back a grin but ends up giggling instead.

"Okay, I guess Christmas pajamas have nothing on my poor boyfriend being yelled at by an angry pilgrim."

"I didn't yell!" Castle protests. "I simply stated my own opinions, in my own home."

"With a brass buckle on your hat."

She narrowly escapes the tinsel he throws at her.

"Okay, I think I need to hear this story," January says with a smile.

"I'll tell you all about it," Alexis begins as the two of them head back up the stairs. "And I won't embellish at all."

"Well come on Captain Beckett, we should properly adorn ourselves in the required holiday garb."

Kate giggles and allows him to pull her up off of the floor and into the bedroom. Castle has already pulled the pajamas out of the drawer and Kate laughs when she notices that the clothes are posed. The man can make anything fun, she'll give him that.

"I found matching socks," Castle notes as he tosses her a pair.

"Thanks, babe. For including everything. I know you have your traditions and you like things a certain way-"

"I like my family to be happy. The more traditions the better, I think. Adding everything in, no one misses out."

Kate is never surprised at the things her husband says or the sincerity with which he means them, but after all this time, she still finds herself incapable of coming up with a worthy response. She steals another few seconds and pulls her pajama shirt over her head, then adjusts the stocking cap.

"Should we be organized about presents or just grab and growl?" Castle asks as he heads for the door.

"I… Rick, wait."

Castle turns back and Kate throws her arms around him, nuzzling her face into his neck. Her eyelashes flutter against his skin and he feels the warmth of a few tears as well. He holds her tighter and _hmms_ into her hair while she regains herself.

"I love you," are all the words she manages to form, but the depth of them are not lost on him. They never are.

"I love you too Kate."

"I wish I could say… or show you… you're so much, Rick. So much more than I ever thought I could have."

Castle smiles and shakes his head.

"You know I think the same thing about you."

"We're nauseating," she sniffles, earning a laugh from him.

"Yes we are. C'mon, we'd better go and keep the girls from opening the presents unsupervised."

* * *

Alexis' slender fingers glide over the canvas, following the loops and whorls of color. The blues and greens are so rich that she can almost smell them. There are a few hiccups in the blending and some of the shadowing needs work, but it is the most perfect painting she has ever seen.

"Jans, you really did this?"

January nods and scoots closer.

"I'm still getting used to painting. This is the first one I finished. I know it's not the best…"

"It's beautiful," Alexis argues with a shake of her head. "You really made this for me?"

"Y-yes," January whispers. Her face is turning red, much as it did every other time she presented her hand-crafted gifts. "You love the ocean. I know you have so many pictures but I… this was fun."

Alexis smiles and pulls January into her arms.

"Thank you Jans. I love you."

"I love you too."

"I think we should go all hand-crafted for Christmas next year," Castle suggests as he watches the girls together. "Get our creative juices flowing. Yeah, and the spirit of giving, or whatever."

"Richard Castle, do not make this into a competition," Martha tuts, and pushes her requisite stocking hat back up.

"Yeah dad. Jans would blow us all out of the water anyway."

"I wouldn't," January huffs, though she bites back a grin. She would. She'll start planning tomorrow.

"Castle, no more pressure. I can't make anything."

"Yeah, especially not cinnamon rolls. I mean, you can, they just explode afterwards!" Jim teases, nudging his daughter.

"Dad-"

"They explode?!" Castle and January chorus.

"Well when you pull the dish out of the oven and set it on the stove to cool, then forget and turn on the burner it's sitting on… yeah, it explodes."

"That was many years ago, father."

"Not that many," Jim counters with a smile. "In fact I found a shard of glass embedded in the wall last week."

"You're mean."

Jim laughs and tucks an arm around Kate's shoulder, pulling her close to kiss the top of her head.

"It's okay mom," January soothes. "Once I put a spoon in the microwave because I didn't believe it would do anything but get hot. I was wrong."

"That's it," Castle decides. "You two are not allowed in the kitchen."

"Yes!" Kate hoots. "No more dish duty!"

"I didn't mean-"

"You said kitchen! And I believe the ban begins now."

Castle grumbles good-naturedly and crawls behind the tree in search of the last present. It had been a labor of love, and the creation of it had spanned nearly two months. It had been heartbreaking at times and joyous at others, much like the last six months. Funny how life does that.

"Speaking of hand-crafted," he preambles as he rights himself from the floor. "One last present, Janny. Why don't you go sit with mom to open it?"

January furrows her brow and glances between the two of them, but moves up to the couch to settle in next to Kate. A flat, square box is pressed into her hands and she eyes it carefully before pulling at the ribbon on the top.

"Is there a reason you saved this for last, Rick?"

Castle shrugs and reaches over to tug at the other end of the bow, encouraging her to rip into the package.

"Mama," January murmurs. "Is… this is a special present, huh?"

"It is."

"Is it going to make me cry?"

"It might," Kate admits as she reaches over to tuck back a strand of the blonde hair. "Do you want to stop opening and do it later?"

"No. I can do it now."

Kate nods and exchanges a look with Castle. Maybe they should have saved this one for the morning after all.

January rids the box of the wrapping paper and lifts the lid up to reveal a large scrapbook. Her eyes flick around the room in question but she says nothing as she opens the book. The first page is full of writing and she pulls her legs up onto the couch so she can prop the book on them to read.

 _Janny,_

 _When we first got the idea for this project, we had no idea what an undertaking it would be. Searching through hundreds of photos for just the right ones, making copies, picking layouts, and oh the number of glue sticks we went through! Almost every night after you went to bed, we would sit down and work on "Janny's book." And though it was hard work and sometimes we didn't know exactly what to do, we knew exactly what we wanted out of it._

 _We wanted to give you something to hold in your hands, something to look at and see how far you've come and how far you can go. We want you to look at this book and see how loved you are, now and always. We want you to see how we all fit together as a family. We may be a little scrappy and colorful and we might have a few ragged edges, even be crooked sometimes, but we're all here, together._

 _As you grow into yourself and as we all continue growing together, we hope that you add to these pages and continue documenting your story. We are all so very lucky to have a place in that story, Janny, and we can't wait to see what comes next._

 _We love you!_

 _Love,  
Mom, Rick, and Alexis_

January turns the page and is met with her own baby picture, a chubby faced, sleepy little thing staring back up at her. Her eyes glance over to the neighboring page and she finds pictures of Castle and Alexis together at a charity event, one of Kate at what looks like an NYPD function. Her eyes stick on the photos that she has never seen before as her brain struggles to figure out what this is. It's not until she notices the dates written next to the pictures that everything clicks into place.

They've made a timeline of her life. They're showing her where she was, where they all were at the same time, a beautiful illustration of how their lives have all come together. She turns to the next page, recognizing a few pictures copied from her own photo album, along with some that she vaguely remembers seeing years ago. They must have been in her dad's things, somewhere in the storage unit. She pulls the book closer and isn't ashamed as a few tears make their way down her face. It's almost startling, the way each page helps to tell the stories of her, and of them, but somehow not separately.

As January moves through the book the rest of the family leans in so they can see as well, telling her stories about the moments from their pages and asking about hers. There are both laughter and tears as they all go through it together. It's like different trees being grafted together and gaining strength and resilience as they go, creating something new without forgetting the old.

They're in the last few pages when January feels that familiar pain in her stomach, the one she always gets when she realizes her dad is gone. She slumps slightly into the couch before she can stop herself, and Kate reaches around to tuck her in close, knowing.

"He's not gone, baby girl."

"He is."

"No. Not really. Not ever. He's still here with you. Look," Kate encourages as she points down at one of the most recent photos. "He's right there in your eyes. No one could look at your eyes and not see your daddy in them, honey. He's right there, in that crease you get in your forehead when you concentrate. You look just like him then. He's there in the way you get sucked into football games, even when you don't care about the teams playing. The way you holler at the TV, so passionate about it. That's him, Janny. He's there in the way you're so willing to help everyone else before you help yourself. The way you want to give everything you have to make things easier for someone else. He's still here, Janny. Not in the way we want, but he's still here."

"And that can never be taken from you," Castle adds as he presses a kiss to the top of January's head. "He'll always be with you, now and when you add more pages to the book. Right there with you."

January sucks in a deep breath and nods. It's not enough, but somehow it's okay. She wants to thank them for reminding her and for giving her something so precious, but no words form in her mouth. Instead she turns and buries herself in Kate's side and holds on. The tears that come are borne of grief and gratitude in tandem, and the two moods seem to roil around in her chest until she remembers that she can have them both. She can have the sorrow and the joy, the past and the present, her dad and her new family. It all goes together, it all makes up big parts of her and to take any of that away…

That's what the book is for. To hold all of it and to remind her how much room there is for more. How many pages are still left to turn.

* * *

A/N 2: And there you have it folks! What started out as one phrase swimming in my head at work has strung out to this massive thing. I'm still undecided as to whether or not I will continue in this universe (there are a lot of pages left to turn after all), but for now the story has concluded. I want to thank everyone who has read this far and left so many encouraging reviews. Without that, this probably would have simply sat on the shelf of my mind for years. And major thanks to my beta/sister/soulmate Jess who not only introduced me to fanfic, but has put up with all of my wild ideas for the past 16 years. S.O.D.A!


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